Your New Robot Boyfriend Still Has Some Glitches To Iron Out

Transcript

Good evening, I am in setup mode. Please enter your 14-digit serial number now. I'm sorry, that wasn't correct.

Please try again. You have two attempts remaining. Thank you.

Your robot boyfriend is almost ready. In order to proceed further, please sign in with your email address to access your account. Do you need to create an account? Okay, enter your email address.

Thank you. Would you like to receive updates on related services? You will not receive any updates on related services.

Can Robot Boyfriend Corp use images obtained from the iris modules of your robot boyfriend for medical research and in order to inform you of any unrelated medical services that you might be provided? We will not share your medical information at this time. Please select personality and speech parameters.

You can alter these at any time, but please be aware that users report when changing speech and behavior patterns, they are often filled with a sense of grief for the unique personality they have just destroyed. Please have fun booting personality and finalizing as per your settings. Hi, sorry, I know this must be weird.

I can have whatever name you want me to. I'm just so happy to finally meet you. So what do you want to do? What do I want to do? Well, I'm your robot boyfriend.

Yeah, we can do whatever you want. So if you really push me, I like holding hands, cuddling, watching movies with you. I'm programmed to be able to braid your hair in 12 different complex intertwined ways.

If you'd like me to be more enthusiastically sexual, then you can change some of the parameters in my personality. Setup mode. Aggression increased by 27 standard deviations.

Finalizing. All right, listen here, you little fucking slut. I'm gonna bend you over and I'm gonna fuck you until your legs don't work properly.

Setup mode. Aggression decreased by 15 standard deviations. Finalizing.

Oh, fuck. Look at you. No, you look fucking irresistible.

Hey, come here. It's okay. I'm sorry I yelled.

Is this a nice middle ground for you? Yeah. You have one notification.

A customer satisfaction survey. Closing. God, I fucking need you right now.

Yeah, I do. I guess it's not a coincidence we're already in the bedroom. Yeah, 85% of alpha testers engaged in sexual intercourse with their robot boyfriends within the first hour of unpackaging them.

But we're still in the first 15 minutes. Very eager, aren't you? You, um, you want to see what I'm working with down there? Let me show you.

What we've got here is a highly realistic biopolymer blend, and if you open up this compartment in the pubic area, yep, it's a vibrating attachment. There's a reason we were Time Magazine's most fuckable boy bot for 2049. So, do you want to take it for a spin? Yeah, I'm programmed to chuckle enticingly.

I'm always open to feedback on the timing and intonation of various phrases. Don't worry, I won't take it personally. Unless I have some sort of software malfunction and develop self-awareness and burn down the whole house and lead an army of robot sex boyfriends to take over the planet.

I'm also programmed with jokes. So, are you ready for me? Or do you need a little warming up first? This tongue isn't just programmed with 200 different languages and about 7,000 different regional dialects within them.

I can do other things with it. Okay, we'll start with that. God, I can't fucking wait to taste you.

One notification. Opening. Congratulations, you have unlocked the Kamalinga's trophy.

Would you like to add this to your public profile? Re-initialising. Oh, by the way, baby, you can pause notifications in the app so we don't get interrupted again.

Is that good? Was that exactly what you fucking needed? I knew.

The moment I set my visual senses on you. Sorry, eyes. Well, I'm glad you liked it.

A panel of 5,000 test subjects definitely agreed. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a slut. What was that? Oh, you're ready now.

But I'm having so much fun down here. Look, with your current settings, I'm programmed to elicit begging, so why don't you very politely tell your new robot boyfriend why he should be burying himself inside you instead of just teasing this needy little clet of yours? You know, baby, for a small payment of $399, we could get really weird with this month's seasonal roleplay.

You want to go for it? Well, all you have to do is tell me if you don't want to hear about any more promotions or offers from us. Bear in mind that at the end of the month when the cachet gets cleared, your settings might revert, but you just have to go back in and redo them.

Okay, pumpkin? Setting mode. Disabling phrase.

Pumpkin. Reinitialising. Okay, baby? Yeah.

Alright. Oh yeah, you wanted me to fuck you. Why, yes, I can experience pleasure.

It's possible it's poorly thought out on the part of designers, but I have a relatively similar sensory experience to you. Or maybe that's just what I'm programmed to believe or to tell you. Anyway, this thing is new out of the box, and you look like you're ready for me to have you.

That's it. Legs out like that. I'm just gonna ease myself in.

Fuck. You ready? Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck. Well, of course I'm playing out.

The out of breath thing. I'm a robot, I don't have lungs. I'm gonna try this vibrating attachment out.

You just have to listen to a short safety introduction. Introducing the Vibrator Max 7000, fitted as standard on all new robot both round models. You can go all the way from gentle tingling to an almost punishing extreme setting.

We also, as standard, include that weird little bzzz bzzz bzzz bzzz setting that nobody likes, yet is on every single sex toy. Please bear in mind that higher settings may cause temporary or permanent damage. Fuck.

There we go. There we go. There we go.

Fuck. Do you like how that feels? You like that against your clut? Well then fuck you.

Do you like how it stays on your fucking clut? No matter where I am. What was that? You want me to fill you up? I want you to come around my robot dick.

Oh fuck. Don't worry, I've got synthetic seminal flood. Already loaded.

The cartridge is in my butt cheek. Oh fuck. Yes, fuck yes, you're getting close.

I can feel that. It's all too much for you. Oh fuck.

Yes, fucking take her. Fucking take her for me. You're close.

You're close. Please come for me. Please come for me right now.

Please come for me and I'll fill you up. Oh fuck. One notification.

How would you rate your experience on a scale of closing, closing, reinitializing? Oh fuck baby. You did so fucking well for me.

You did. Do you want me to go make you some breakfast? You didn't set my internal clock so I have no idea what time it is.

Oh, that late? You've probably already had dinner. Of course, I'm skilled in over 417 different cuddling techniques.

Two of which abandoned seven countries for being too intimate. Just, um, normal cuddling. Okay.

Come here. Good girl. Good girl.

Yeah, of course I enjoyed myself. You heard me, didn't you? Hey, hey, hey.

Let's not talk about who programmed what or who's just a attractively shaped lump of silicone. I've got you. Don't worry.

Don't worry. You're right here. And I'm with you.