Your Goofy Friend Admits That They've been Flirting With You

Transcript

I can't believe that we actually thought that would work. What were we thinking? We were, what, on the fourth floor? There was no way we were going to sneak past anyone looking like that.

I know, it might have been one of our worst ideas ever. And given all the stupid stuff we've done, that's saying something. Hey, it wasn't just my idea.

You planned some of it, too. I mean, yeah, but you still helped. But that makes it worse.

Because if your parts of the plan were the only parts that worked, then it means that you're good at doing stupid stuff. Well, no, but- Oh, shut up. I was blinded by the fiery passion of true love.

Yes, I was. Okay, fine. Maybe I was just blinded by my need to impress the cute lifeguard that lived next door.

But that's, like, stage one of love. Well, maybe it would have been if I actually, you know, got the nerve to talk to them or something. Okay, okay, you're right.

But what can I say? I'm a romantic at heart. I can't help it if I fall in love with someone at first sight because they smile at me.

They had a really nice smile, and I really liked it. Hey, I do not. Doing stupid stuff is for people like you.

Nope, never. I haven't done a single stupid thing in my life. I'm a genius.

Yeah, really. I'm the single smartest person alive, and you should be praising me for it. Oh, yeah? Like what? Come on, that was one time.

I don't do stuff like that, like, every week or whatever. Alright, fine, but not every week. It's just every time I see someone cute.

There's a lot of cute people in the world, okay? Like a ton of them, everywhere, all the time. And not just cute people, either.

There's hot people, beautiful people, sexy people. There's just so many people that I can't help but flirt with them. Yes, I am.

I'm so good at flirting, you don't even know. I'm like the Terminator of flirting. I don't know, I just couldn't think of a better reference.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got one. I'm like the, um, the sergeant, what's his name? No, give me just a sec.

I know who I'm thinking of, I just can't remember what his name- Oh! Austin Powers! I'm like Austin Powers of flirting.

Uh, I mean, yeah, but I'm talking about how he's really flirty and smooth and how I'm like him specifically because- Ugh, okay, fine, yeah. I'm like Austin Powers is basically what I'm telling you. Oh, shut up.

Yes, I am. Everyone loves me. Yeah, they love when I, when I, uh.

Alright, so maybe I'm not the best at flirting, but I can't help it. I just get tongue-tied and end up doing stupid stuff to try and impress them. I know, it never works and it always ends up with me making a mess of things, but at least I've gotten better about it, or at least I got better about not doing it so much, especially after last time.

Ugh, yeah, that was a complete disaster. I mean, it was fun, but definitely did make them never want to date me. I mean, would you want to date the person who put a dagger on your pillow with no note or anything to go along with it?

Oh, shut up, would you? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Because they like historical weapons, so I wanted to give them a fancy dagger I found at an estate sale as a gift.

I just thought it would be a cute, fun surprise. I didn't think that it would scare them. Ugh, god, I can't believe I actually thought that was a good idea.

I don't even know what I was thinking. I don't know how I could have possibly thought. Yeah, sure, just leaving a knife in their bedroom for them to find is totally cool.

They will love that. It may have been months ago, but the cringe is still fresh in my mind. Like, I can't even think about it right now without cringing.

Actually, can we change the topic? Let's change the topic. I don't know anything.

Literally change it to anything else. I don't care, so long as it's not this. Oh, come on.

You can't just bring up another one of my failed conquests. That's not fair at all. No, nuh-uh.

Not answering that. Still not talking. You can't make me.

Wait a second. I never said that. Quit putting words in my mouth.

Hey, that wasn't my fault. I just thought that, you know, this is our first time having a movie night together. It's my chance to shoot my shot.

They like popcorn. I'll make popcorn. Well, I didn't know that you couldn't put seven bags of popcorn in the microwave and just add a few more minutes.

I thought it would work. I mean, yeah, in retrospect, it was a horrible idea, but hindsight is 20-20 or whatever. At least the firefighters were pretty nice about it, though I do still feel bad about ruining their microwave.

I'm just glad we're still friends, though they'll never let me live that little incident down. Oh, yeah? In which particular incident are you thinking of? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

That one we're really not talking about. No way. No how.

Shut up. Nope. Shut.

Shut your mouth. It's embarrassing, like outrageously embarrassing. It was maybe the most pathetic attempt at flirting ever, and that's going by my godawful standards.

Because it was. I don't know why I thought I'd impress you by eating more cotton candy than a person should eat in a lifetime, but you seemed to think it was pretty funny, so I kept eating it. Given that we were at a fair, I should have expected that I'd end up puking behind the horse stables.

Not exactly my finest moment, especially since you had to drive me home after that. I'm surprised you still wanted to be friends after that, especially since we'd just met earlier that day when Alex introduced us. But what can I say? I know I'm impossible to resist, me and my terribly inconvenient need to impress attractive people with incredibly stupid things.

God, I'm still so sorry that's how we met. Yeah, but I still ruined your night, and I feel bad. You can say that all you want, but I definitely did.

There's no way you had a good time grabbing water for me while I was getting sick in the trash cans behind the food trucks. Alright, fine, I'll give you that. Everything before that was pretty fun.

Then I had to go and ruin it by flirting with you. Oh, please. There was no way we were going to escape from me doing something stupid like that.

It was inevitable. With how cute you are, there was no chance. Of course I think you're cute.

I think that should be pretty obvious by now. I've always thought that, from the very first second I saw you. You seriously didn't realize that? Wow, I can't believe it.

You really are oblivious, huh? What, if you haven't realized it by now, you must be. Hell, with how oblivious you are, I bet you haven't even noticed that I- Oh my god, you actually don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Ugh, shit. No, nothing's wrong, I just- I thought you already knew something, but you don't, and it's just kind of throwing me off. It's nothing bad, it's just, I don't know, weird, I guess? Listen, it's nothing, just ignore me, I'm just being weird, um, let's just go back to watching the movie, okay?

Hey, we were gonna watch that, turn it back on, would you? Ugh, do we really have to talk about this right now? Can't we do it some other time? Come on, why not? It's nothing, really.

Now can't we just- whoa, hey, ugh, what are you doing? You can't just pin me down like this all of a sudden. Because it's- you know.

Yes, you do, you know exactly what I mean. Quit lying, you totally do. Now could you please- hey, why are you getting closer? Of course not, how could I focus when you're so close to me? Fine, fine, then what do you want? Really, that's what it's gonna take? Okay, fine, I'll tell you.

So you really don't know? I'm just making sure, I don't want to make a fool out of myself by telling you this. So we've been talking about how I do stupid things when I have a crush on someone, right? Every time I like someone, I do something ridiculous to try and get their attention or make them happy or whatever.

But like I said, the last time I did something stupid for someone was months ago, right? Exactly, it wasn't the last time I did something ridiculous for someone. Have any guesses as to who it could have been? You're really gonna make me do all the work here, huh? You, obviously.

Yeah, obviously, I thought you knew. Everyone else certainly does. I don't know how it happened.

I mean, I knew I had a crush on you the first time we met and the first few weeks after that. But then I moved on. But we were still friends, so I hung out with you a lot, and it was a lot of fun.

You watched me with all my random crushes and even helped me try to get closer to them. And I don't know, trying to pull off all my ridiculous plans with you was a lot of fun. I liked spending my time with you and doing silly stuff while making jokes and getting into trouble.

You became my partner in crime, and I kind of realized that I was enjoying your company more than I enjoyed being around any of my short-lived crushes. Then I realized that it was because I have a crush on you, again, except this time it's different. This time, my feelings aren't going away or getting weaker.

If anything, they're just getting stronger.