We Talk All Night During Our First Sleepover (Episode 14, Exes series - Moody Musician)

Transcript

As you listen to this audio role-play, I invite you to use headphones and imagine yourself as the main character of this story. Wow, I had no idea I was going to be levelling up my accommodation like this. Yeah, I feel like I just got bumped up to first class.

Well, basic economy hotel chain or not, I was totally expecting to be sleeping on an armchair or love seat this evening. Yeah, I had no idea your room had two double beds. Why didn't you say so before? I would have asked to sleep over ages ago.

Man, this is really nice. Yeah, I've been couch surfing at my friend's place for a month now, and this bed is a very luxurious and very appreciated surprise tonight. Thanks for letting me stay.

Oh, and thanks for lending me some PJs too. They're really cute. I don't think I've worn a matching set like this since I was a kid.

That nightgown looks really nice on you too. Yeah, I love all the intricate floral details and how it flows and moves when you move. You have such interesting and unique clothes and accessories.

You're always so stylish whatever you wear. Have you always been into fashion? Yeah? How old were you? Okay, so you hadn't even started grade school yet? Oh, okay.

Was it Sunday school? Oh, like a church fundraiser? Like a yard sale or rummage sale kind of thing? Okay, yeah.

So what was your amazing discovery? Like a coloring book? Oh, I see.

Like one of those paper doll cutout books? Yeah, yeah. Like with the little tabs you could fold over to fit the paper clothes on the paper dolls? Uh-huh, yeah.

Really? An actual vintage 1950s one? Cool.

Oh, what do you mean it was vandalized? Ah, yes. The old mustaches drawn on the faces gag.

Classic graffiti choice. Perfect for vintage paper dolls, I agree. Oh.

Oh. What did your dad do? What? Like he literally set it on fire? You were four years old? What the fuck? Why? Because it was paper doll ladies with mustaches? Fuck.

Oh my god, that must have been horrifying. But the seed was already planted? What do you mean? Uh-huh, okay.

Like seeing it was possible to go against gender stereotypes and constructs? Right, right. Girls can have mustaches and wear pants.

And boys can have painted nails and wear dresses. Hmm. That realization was that clear for you? Even at that young of an age? Wow.

And were you questioning your biological gender at all through that? Did you wish you were a different gender? Or did you have any dysphoria about your body? Okay, right, right.

Like typical body image stuff? Okay. But not like your goods? Got it, got it.

That's right. You told me that your best friend Jess had transitioned? Uh-huh.

So you shared that whole process with them? Really? You guys were roommates during the medical part of the transition? Oh, okay.

So you meant it when you said you shared that together? Yeah, you and Jess sound like super close siblings. Uh-huh, yeah.

Chosen family is everything. I agree. Uh-huh, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I can see how sharing that with Jess could help you with your own process of figuring out your own gender identity and expression.

So for you, was that more like a desire to break free from the social constructs of gender? Ah, gotcha. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'm similar.

Yeah, to quote my fellow Canadian Shania Twain, I feel like a woman. Yeah, yeah, I'm happy to have the bits and pieces I was born with. I mean, I've got some hang-ups about my stomach being all scarred up, but I still feel like I'm in the right body for me.

It's bruised a bit, but it still feels like it's mine, you know? It's just that I see myself as being a woman with lots of different traits, feminine and masculine, and all kinds of universal human traits. And who just prefers to be more unisex in terms of how I dress? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, sometimes it's attracted some judgement and hate because my androgynous or even masculine-ing look is not quote-unquote womanly enough. But all I'm doing is my particular take on being a woman.

And, you know, just a woman who also happens to prefer short hair, no makeup, and comfy clothing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Uh-huh, yeah, that's why I'm happy with both she, her, and they, them pronouns.

Yeah, just think of me as somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum, leaning on the side of lady. What about for you? You're okay with she, they, and he pronouns, right? Right, uh-huh.

So you knew you were non-binary that early? Hm. Mm-hmm, right.

So what appealed to you about the term gender fluid? Right. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, it's way more dynamic for you than for me, I think. Like feminine and masculine energies that keep oscillating and dancing from one moment to the next. Yeah, and I love how you hop back and forth along the extreme outer edges of the gender expression spectrum.

It's incredibly eye-catching for someone like me who tends to hang out more around the center. Well, I've always been fascinated by outliers. Yeah, they tell a very new and interesting story.

Oh yeah, your mother would disagree? Inappropriate. So what was her idea of dressing appropriately, then? Right, right.

So, uh, boring? Well, I guess it's a bit of both. Haha.

Well, I guess I can't judge. My wardrobe is pretty boring, too. Okay, okay, that's fair.

My style is minimalist, not boring. So how would you describe your style? Well, that sounds very inappropriate.

Yeah, and anything but boring. So, um, how did you still manage to pursue your passion for beauty and fashion? So, um, how did you still manage to pursue your passion for beauty and fashion? Even after your dad made it clear cross-dressing wasn't okay in his world? And your mom dressed like every day was a funeral? Oh, cool.

Like you designed your own paper dolls and outfits? And Barbie clothes? Like, out of paper? Brilliant.

And a dress made out of Band-Aids? Oh, that's fantastic. Of course.

The paper dolls all had mustaches. Even the Barbie. So where did you find her? Okay, like the school lost and found bin? But you drew the mustache? That's great.

Were you into makeup, too? Oh, okay. So, like, just drawings? So your mom didn't have beauty or hair products or cosmetics at all? Okay, great.

So you compensate now with a whole suitcase full when you travel? That's awesome. And what about all the doll clothes? Did you actually make real clothes? Or is it still just paper outfits? Oh, yeah? For your Barbie, too? Wow, even the shoes.

Of course. Gotta have the Converse kicks. So how did you keep all that a secret? I imagine you had to hide your fashion and beauty drawings and your dolls and the fabulous wardrobes you created for them?

Huh. Did your parents ever find out? Really? You still have the paper outfits? Framed on your wall.

Oh, that's amazing, all-stars. So what kinds of looks did you come up with? So what kinds of looks did you come up with back then? Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah. Fun. Fun.

All right, that's kind of like your costumes on stage with your band now, in a way, yeah? Do you design those? Really? Wow, talk about full circle.

That's so cool. Do you design and sew some of your everyday clothes, too? Holy shit, you're multi-talented.

Well, I can see now why you're such an excellent fashion consultant and personal stylist. I really did get expert advice from you. Yeah, this superpower of yours is almost 30 years in the making.

So where did you get your beauty and style ideas from back then? If there was no one else around in your family or your community who was a little more chic and trendy? Was it like fashion magazines and stuff? Or was this all from your creative imagination? Really? Music was your gateway? Nice, nice.

Sounds like your library actually had a decent album collection. I'm surprised they didn't censor and ban artists like that in Mississippi. Right, right, classic divas.

I love it. I mean, of course, you can't go wrong with Aretha Franklin, David Bowie, Cher, Madonna, Whitney Houston, Elton John, or Beyonce as style icons. Obviously.

And then you discovered Wikipedia? What do you mean? Oh, okay, like you could find out which artists identified as LGBTQ? Uh-huh.

Right, right, right. Mm-hmm. Is that where your interest in learning more about queer musicians and singers began? Neat.

Yeah, you do kind of have Wikipedic knowledge of the LGBTQ music industry. Well, what you call obsessive, I call comprehensive. So what other musicians and artists were big fashion influences for you? Yeah, yeah, of course.

I mean, I don't know. Oh. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Mm-hmm. Ah, cool, cool. Is that where the street style comes in? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and the way you mix it with vintage looks, it's really funky, but in this classy way, too. Yeah, again, it's the way you pair contrasts together and find harmony in items that are seemingly contradictory. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I love it. And would you say those early experiences with making paper dolls and listening to these artists and being inspired by their fashion, did they influence your style today? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. So what role do your different outfits play in your self-expression? What are you saying with the various clothes you choose to wear? Yeah, yeah, I agree.

Our clothes can be a kind of armor, okay? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know as a woman, choosing to dress gender neutral helps me to feel safer than when I dress more overtly feminine or masculine, which tends to attract attention I don't want.

So, yeah, it does feel like my androgynous clothing is a protective suit in that sense. Yeah, my hoodies and sweatpants feel cozy and safe. What about for you? I know you had said that wearing unisex clothes is actually kind of re-traumatizing for you, right? Like you're being forced to cover and hide yourself? Mm-hmm, right.

Right. So how about the other clothes you choose to wear instead to celebrate who you are? In what ways are those outfits protective for you? Especially considering all the hate you get when you cross-dress? Right, right.

Yeah, yeah, you had mentioned that before. The stage costumes and persona of your band? Being hyper-masculine and angry and imposing and stuff? Yeah, yeah, that's definitely armor.

Uh-huh, yeah. Dominating, unapproachable, don't fuck with me. Yeah, larger than life kind of vibe.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I get it. I think it takes courage and self-confidence of steel to do what you do on a public stage like that.

Especially when you're expressing what is actually really vulnerable things under all that. You're saying stuff that really matters to you and sharing about your life and your perspectives and lessons learned. You want to be able to say your truth.