We Go To A Safer Place To Talk About Safety (Episode 13, Exes series - Moody Musician)

Transcript

As you listen to this audio roleplay, I invite you to use headphones and imagine yourself as the main character of this story. Oh my god, what am I doing? I'm repeating the same fucking pattern I always do.

I'm diving into this way too impulsively. I know exactly what my sister's gonna say when I text her where I'm going right now. Oh fuck, the closer we get, the more anxious I'm feeling.

Why did I suggest going to your hotel? And why did I mention private displays of affection? Fuck.

My sister and my therapist are going to give me so much shit about this. Oh fuck, it's too soon. But damn, your song tonight.

I am falling so hard. You are so fascinating. I've never met anyone like you.

And no one has ever done something special like that for me before. And you're leaving town soon for good. What if I don't see you again? I've never felt this way with anyone before.

I crave being around you. I am so attracted to you. God, I wanna be with you.

But every part of me is also warning me. I recognize all the signals in my body telling me I'm putting myself and my heart in danger again. My therapist would tell me to listen to and heed those alarm bells.

I shouldn't do this. Fuck. Hey, um, sorry, um, can we stop for a second? Um, yeah, I just need to text my sister and let her know where I'm going.

Yeah, we're each other's safety partner. Or one of them, anyway. We text each other regularly with updates of where we're going and who we're with.

And, um, we have this rule. Yeah, if we're hesitant to text each other because we're doing something we know our safety partner probably wouldn't approve of. Yeah, yeah, that's likely a red flag.

And then we should definitely text each other and our locations in those situations. Um, but, um, the thing is, I think this is one of those scenarios. For me, yeah.

I'm sorry, I don't think I should be going to your hotel with you. Or at least not to do what I think we both want to do right now. I mean, I want to.

I really, I really do. Um, it's just that, um, I think I spoke too soon. Yeah, I really don't want to repeat the same mistakes as before.

I really like you. But, um, I'm not ready to sleep with you yet. I really didn't mean to lead you on.

I'm kind of fumbling through this, honestly. But, yeah, I think I have to change my mind. I'm sorry, I'm not ready.

Really? Oh, yeah? A little relieved, too? Right, right, yeah, okay.

A big step for you, too? Okay, okay. Thank you.

Cool, cool. I'm glad you're glad I said something then. What's that? It's more than that? You're glad I felt safe enough to tell you I didn't feel safe? Thank you, thank you.

I appreciate that it's a priority for you. Okay, okay, I will. I'll always tell you if I don't feel safe.

Physically or emotionally, yeah. Yes, yes, I promise. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Hanging at a diner instead would be great. Thank you.

Yes, yes, I'd love that. Yes, yes, another coffee, please. Yes, we still have some pie left to finish.

Perfect, thank you. Hey, uh, I'm sorry. Hey, uh, I wanted to say again just how much that performance of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds tonight meant to me.

Yeah. And when you gave me the recording of Drunken Sailor, or even when you played Pirates of the Caribbean and Radioactive for me on the rooftop, I don't know if it's something you do to score all your lovers, to serenade them with songs that have special significance for them, but, uh, yeah, someone doing something meaningful and personal like that, and in this super public way with that encore tonight, I've honestly never experienced that kind of gift or gesture before. I'm kind of overwhelmed, actually.

And just, uh, yeah, yeah, thank you. No big deal, hey? Right, right, I know.

You've been a musician for how many years now? Picking professionally since you were 16. Wow.

So these songs are just a part of your repertoire? In your sleep, hey? Well, then thank you for wooing me with those particular songs then.

Even if it was as easy as this pie on our plates to play them for me. Hm? It's sincere? What do you mean? You didn't play these songs to impress me? Or seduce me? Then why did you? Oh, to share and connect? Right, right, lyrics are literally your love language.

Hm, yeah, well said. These songs are our meeting places? The ways in which we overlap and relate to one another? Right.

Uh-huh, yeah, I'm getting how music allows you to express yourself and convey things that are hard to say in words. Right, right, yeah, I can understand that. So performing these songs for me, it's your way of telling me what? You like being with me? And want to spend more time with me? Yeah? Why? Because I ask questions? Oh, okay, I see.

I actually give a shit about your views and experiences? Yeah, yeah, you're right. Most people are too caught up in their own selves to pay attention to others.

Uh-huh, let alone ask questions and try to better understand differing perspectives? Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I feel that way too.

Very few people actually want to know us, right? Yeah, they're much more interested in expressing their own thoughts and ideas than asking us about ours. Yeah, yeah.

Right, right, exactly. Me? Um, I think the most typical experience I've struggled with is just being overlooked.

Generally feeling invisible, you know? I'm there, but no one's looking. I'm just not the best at anything.

I don't stand out. I don't have a special talent or a smoking body. I'm not successful in any way.

I'm not even into most of the stuff that's popular. I'm a nice person, but I just don't fit in, you know? I've always felt like the runt of the litter, the abandoned one waiting to be noticed, to be seen, to be loved to.

But almost everyone passes me by. A few might linger a bit if there's something in it for them, but they don't generally stick around. Yeah, so I'm used to being the last kid to be picked for a team or project, the weird one who gets pecked out of the nest because of whatever way I haven't met some standard or criteria.

I'm used to being outcast based on assumptions and judgments of people who don't actually know anything about me. And the thing is, I know I have something worthy of sharing, but now I'm accustomed to most people not seeing that and just, you know, looking through me and going about their own business as if I didn't exist. Hmm, yeah, it's what I grew up with, you know? My father never gave me any of his time or attention, and I don't think he's talked to me directly or even looked me in the eye more than a handful of times in my entire life.

There's not one happy memory I have with him, not a single skill he taught me, not a single object that I have that came from him. My father is the textbook example of emotional absence. He doesn't know me, he doesn't know my birthday, or anything about me at all, but he firmly believes one thing about me.

I was a mistake. And for a long time, I believed him, too. More recently, in therapy, I'm learning that I do, in fact, have value, and that if people disregard that, it's because they're dealing with their own shit and insecurities, and not because I'm not worth noticing or loving.

And, well, while I can't say that any of those moments of shame and rejection get easier, I do consciously try to not do that to others now. I mean, like, I can't help but make impulsive judgments in my head about people sometimes, but I guess now I'm much more careful about voicing opinions out loud. I try to listen more than I talk, to be humble and to inform myself.

And so I ask a lot of questions. Hmm? Right, it's also the kinds of questions I ask.

Hmm. Oh, really? You get asked inappropriate shit all the time? Like what? Really? Jeez! What the fuck? I guarantee you no cisgendered straight dude got asked that question ever.

What the hell is wrong with people? Who would ever think that's okay to ask someone that? Hmm.

Right, right, yeah. You wish you could actually be invisible sometimes? Uh-huh.

I mean, yeah, I've only witnessed a fraction of the hate that gets blasted at you whenever you cross-dress. It's scary how threatened people feel and how angry they get. Do you ever feel safe in public when you are more clearly presenting as transgender? Fuck.

Hmm? Sure, yeah. As a woman, and particularly a more masculine-looking woman, there are definitely times and places in public where I don't feel safe.

But most of the time, especially in a city like Montreal, I do feel comfortable in public without having to try to mask or pass. And I'm very thankful for that because I've lived in other parts of the world where that kind of freedom and safety is not assured, especially if it's known that I'm queer. But for you, it's any time you cross-dress, even in a city as gay-friendly as Montreal.

Whenever your clothes reveal your gender fluidity and sexuality, you have to steel yourself for the public shaming and verbal aggression that will inevitably happen. You have to battle the fucking world every time. For what? For wanting to wear the fashion you like? It's fucking heartbreaking, Emery.

It's so not fair. Can I ask you something? Right, right, you like my questions? Yeah, yeah, you did say that.

Well, um, I know your dad and your ex, um, beat you. Um, has that ever happened to you in public? Like, have strangers ever assaulted you? Okay.

What threatened you? I came close. Fuck.

Right, right, that's why you learned martial arts? Got it. Did that help? Okay, cool.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Nice, nice. It's all in the confidence and being comfortable in your own skin, your own skills, and your own inherent worth.

Wow. Hmm? Hmm.

But you never actually feel completely safe out in public if you're genderbending? Do you always feel hypervigilant when you go out? Hmm.

Makes it very hard to relax and let your guard down? I bet. Is it better when you're with other people? Do you feel safer if you're with friends and folks you trust? Okay, cool.

Hmm, oh, okay. But then you might be concerned for their safety too? Okay, right, right.

Because you might have to protect them as well as yourself? Uh-huh. So, like when you walked me home the other night, and then you went back to your hotel, did you feel safe doing that?

You know, given that your gorgeous outfit was crushing gender stereotypes? Yeah? Did you feel okay doing that on your own? Oh, okay, you took a cab? Did that feel safe? Okay, okay.

Oh, yeah? You have safety backups in place too? You text someone you're aware about too? Oh, okay.

Your best friend. Nice. Yeah, yeah, me too.