We Discuss Why We Both Seek Closeness But Not Marriage (Episode 8, Flings series - Sexy Surfer)

Transcript

As you listen to this audio roleplay, I invite you to use headphones and imagine yourself as the main character of this story. You could have been the most timid, fumbling, awkward date on the planet. But once you started grooving and grinding, and then the double-double you move.

That was a clincher, honestly. Charming, sexy and a great dancer. And then throws in a surprise namesake back massage stroke to really take it up a level emotionally and physically.

You just made me feel so fucking seen and desired sexy. Yeah, yeah. And I thought my heart was going to explode through my chest.

It was beating so hard. Right, right. Yeah.

A lot of our body parts were beating hard that night. God, it took every ounce of self-control I could muster not to invite you up to my place that night. I wanted to so bad.

But I was also so fucking scared and totally not ready. And you were so wonderful about all of that. And so respectful of any limits I set.

Always letting me set the pace and steer the ship. Yeah. Do you remember our first time? Fuck, it was my turn to be nervous.

And you were so patient and so compassionate about all the stuff it was bringing up for me. After losing my fiancé. You were the first lover I was with who was a stranger, you know? Someone I didn't already know.

And who wasn't a friend of mine from before Bear's death. I had to learn to trust again with you in a way I hadn't since being with Bear. And you were so, so lovely and sweet about all of it.

I love how you turned it into a dance. Yes, yes, our horizontal dance. You made me feel so comfortable.

So at ease. And so protected and held as you let me lead. Just like when we had danced the first time on the beach.

Right, right, emotional safety first. Well, you were really incredibly understanding and respectful about all of it. I felt so safe with you.

What's that? No, no, I don't think you told me before that you were raised by two moms? And an older sister? And a gaggle of aunties? And they made damn fucking sure you were chivalrous and treated the women in your life right? Well, you can let them know they did a very fine job raising you.

And that I have very much benefited from your outstanding upbringing. Huh? Right, right.

And they also taught you to think beyond marriage and monogamy. And all the other supposed to's of relationships. Yeah? How so? Right.

Many positive life lessons and experiences. And many painful ones too. Like what? Nice, nice.

Mostly learning from your mothers about treasuring any relationship that makes you and the life you choose to live even better and brighter. Those are the people we need to spend time with and surround ourselves with. Well, it sounds like you have some pretty wise mamas.

With some serious life experience behind that advice. Am I right? Oh yeah? You and your older sister were born in the Philippines? Okay, so your birth mother and father were married at the time? Oh fuck.

He was angry a lot? What do you mean? Oh, oh no.

Oh, that's horrible. I'm so sorry you witnessed and experienced that. How did you get through it? Oh, oh okay.

Your mom fled to Kauai with you and your sister? With the help of her American best friend? Oh, oh wow.

Who was actually your moms gay lover? Who then later became her wife and your stepmom. Holy shit.

That's quite a story. Oh, oh and that's not all. Oh, oh okay.

They ended up divorcing too and have each moved on to other types of relationships which they are both a lot happier in. Whoa. That's a lot of parental drama in your childhood.

Okay, okay, fair. You've learned a lot about yourself from their mistakes? Like what? You love both your moms and hate your dad.

And you're not real sold on marriage or quote unquote traditional relationships either? Yeah, yeah. So then what do you look for in your non-traditional relationships then? Right, right, yeah.

You want to be a traveler and nomad first and foremost? Oh yeah, yeah, I totally get that need. You and I are very similar.

Yeah, we're like wild animals who thrive as wanderers but wither away in captivity. Yeah, cage us up and tie us down and we lose our fire. So that pretty much makes all of your relationships alternative simply by virtue of the fact that you have zero interest in settling down somewhere?

Yeah, yeah, I know. I hear ya. I'm considered very unconventional just because I'm not interested in coordinating careers and responsibilities or merging finances and life goals, buying a house, having kids or even having sex with just one person the rest of my life.

Huh, really? So the fact that I am specifically not looking for those things and that I'm searching for something different and that just better suits my lifestyle too? That's why your wooing game is so strong right now? You're searching for the same custom fit as I am? Okay, okay, I see.

Right, right. Close relationships that allow us to love in a way that also allow us to be free. Something meaningful and close and intimate but also very independent.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Right, yeah. But yes, also true.

We may have a powerful need to always seek and search and move but we still also have a very deep-seated and primal need to connect and feel seen and be loved and to love. And yeah, you can get really fucking lonely at times when you choose the life of a nomad. Right, right, yeah.

Yeah, I can understand that. Most peeps your age are either in it for the fucking or in it to find their life partner. Right, right.

And you're looking for something different beyond just those two options? Uh-huh. Right.

So me wanting something outside the norm, being clear about what I want and don't want and me literally having the name of Wonder Woman and valuing nomadic life and physical distance and time apart in a relationship are exactly why you are so adamantly romancing me right now. Yeah. We want the same things.

And so few people do. Wow. You're pretty fucking wise for your age there, sexy.

And wise people know a thing or two about appreciating a good thing when they got it. What's that? Sure, sure you can ask me.

What scares me about the thought of you potentially asking me to marry you? What? Okay.

For real. Okay. What would be so bad about you proposing to me and me answering you honestly about whether or not that's something I want?

Well, first off, I'd be gutted if I hurt you when I said no. Because, well, I would say no. Yeah, yeah, I know you're a grown-up.

And you can handle rejection. And truth. Right.

Huh? What else is it about? Uh, well, it's layered, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, Bear's death is part of it. But there's a shit ton of other grief and fear and pain under that too. And it's all piled up and merged into this one terrifying trauma stack when it comes to love and relationships, you know?

Yeah. Well, first there was my abusive parents, which I told you a little about. Then there was a string of incredibly toxic and traumatic relationships in my adult life.

And luckily, I got some professional help. But to be honest, by the time I came out of my last love affair, before Bear, I had very little faith in romantic or sexual relationships working out at all, let alone believing in marriage or long-term commitment or a shared life of any sort with another person. It just felt unrealistic in a world full of broken people who wanted nothing more than to be loved, but who nonetheless continued to perpetuate the cycle of abuse and hurt people with their broken parts too.

So everybody just felt scary to me, like bombs that could be detonated at any moment and without any warning. And, well, I'm so grateful that I had access to good therapy and that made a huge difference for me. And it helped me to set boundaries and better protect myself as a sensitive person in a mostly insensitive world.

But honestly, what really changed things for me was Bear. I mean, I had it. I was living the dream with Bear.

The peak summit of the romantic love fantasy. I met the great love of my life, fell madly in love, moved in together, and started to build a life together, only to have it all crumble and have them die in my arms less than five years later. Whatever belief in marriage I had managed to have faith in because of Bear vanished the day their spirit returned to their ancestors and creator, and my spirit collapsed to the ground, heartbroken and alone, without my other half.

And I knew then I could never, ever do that again. And at the time, I meant I could never do marriage again. Now what I mean is that I can't give myself away in a relationship to the point where I can't live without them.

I need to have my own life, stand on my own and be my own person. So the people I surround myself with are people who accept me, encourage me, cheer me on and empower me. They want me to be free.

They want me to follow my bliss and pursue my dreams. They don't complete me. They add to me.

They bring their own uniqueness and special set of superpowers and life experiences to our relationship that are things that I don't experience when I'm by myself or with other people. Being with them enhances my happiness, my health and well-being without requiring me to give up parts of myself in return. And I think I do the same for them.

And one of the great discoveries I've made within these friendships and romantic relationships after Bear is that it's okay to not want marriage anymore. It's okay to be honest about what I actually want. And what would suit me a whole lot better.

Now I'm at a place where I can just say it's not for me and find folks who aren't wanting that either and who are interested in creating something that fits us both better. Well, like what you were describing before, I can say I want to be emotionally close and intimate but be physically apart most of the time. I know there's others now, like me and like you, who want that too.

There are tons of people out there, many of whom have different needs.