Ursula - Poor Unfortunate Souls (Parody/Sexy Reading)

Transcript

The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself. My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help unfortunate merfolk like yourself, poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch. But you'll find that nowadays I've mended all my ways, repented, seen the light, and made a switch true, yes.

And I fortunately know a little magic. It's a talent that I always have possessed. Now dear lady, please don't laugh, I use it on behalf of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed, pathetic, poor, unfortunate souls in pain, in need.

This one longing to be thinner, that one wants to get the girl, and do I help them, yes indeed. Those poor, unfortunate souls, so sad, so true, they come flocking to my cauldron, crying spells Johnny Waters, please, and I help them, yes I do. Now it's happened once or twice, someone couldn't pay the price, and I'm afraid I had to rake them across the coals, yes, I've had the odd complaint, but on the whole I've been a saint to those poor, unfortunate souls.

Life's full of tough choices, isn't it? Oh, and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment, and I'm not asking much, just a token really, a trifle.

What I want from you is your voice. You have your looks, your pretty face, and don't underestimate the importance of body language. The men up there don't like a lot of blabber, they think a girl who gossips is a bore, yet on land it's much preferred, for ladies not to say a word, and after all, dear, what is idle babble for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation, true gentlemen avoid it when they can, but they don't enswoon and fawn on a lady who's withdrawn, it's she who holds her tongue who gets a man. Come on, you poor, unfortunate soul, go ahead, make your choice. I'm a very busy merman, and I haven't got all day, it won't cost much, just your voice.

You poor, unfortunate soul, it's sad but true, if you want to cross a bridge, my sweet, you've got to pay the toll, take a gulp, and take a breath, and go ahead and sign the scroll. Flotsam, jetsam, now I've got her, boys, the boss is on a roll, this poor, unfortunate soul.