🍆 😄 Uber Truths 😄 🍆 (F4M) (Tomboy Takes You on Your First Official Date) (Late Night Drive to MacDonalds) (Talking About S*x)

Transcript

Seatbelts, everyone. Please let this be a normal field trip. With the Frizz? No way.

Do not pretend that you don't know the magic school bus. One, I don't believe you. Two, shame on you for being shamed.

Get in, mein Führer. Mein Liebling, mein. ..

Mind something. Come on. You said you were hungry.

Let's go. I'm qualified for very few things, but driving, monsieur? That I can do.

Seatbelts, please. Miss Frizz will take safety very seriously. Oh, cruising on down Main Street.

Off tune and I don't know the words. It doesn't matter. I love it.

And I love shows that make you learn. That nurture my soul and expand in my mind. And for that, Miss Frizzle is the chisel.

And why exactly should I apologize for liking childish things? I am a child. A thirty-something-year-old child.

I'm still terrified of teenage pregnancy. Thirty's too young to be with a child. I'm still terrified of teenage pregnancy.

I'm still terrified of teenage pregnancy. Thirty's too young to be with a child. Thirty's too young to be with a child.

For me personally, any age is too young, so no fear of that. Pretty, pretty lights. Because driving at night feeds my soul.

And driving to fast food establishments feeds my body, so. .. This is what we in the Uber field call.

.. Oh and what? So.

.. Which greasy spoon are we attending? Are we going basic bitch? Are we going faux fancy? Or should we let Google Maps decide? Mmm, ginkgo.

In times of crisis, the basic bitch route is the way to go. Mmm, McDonald's. You evil staple that we love so much.

Mmm. .. I'm going to get a Big Mac meal with a milkshake and a McFlurry.

Meal? Come on, treat yourself. Think big, I'll pay.

Yes, I remember my purse, and I'm a sucker, and. .. This could be our first official date.

This could be our first official date. What's wrong with having a fast food date? Such a snob, I would have had no clue.

What do you think I am? It's-a me, Mario. Aka, it's-a me, Trash Girl.

I like greasy pizza, and burgers, and fries. And no, that's not outstanding, or remarkable, or unique. Cause all girls like.

.. I like greasy pizza, and burgers, and fries. And no, that's not outstanding, or remarkable, or unique.

Cause all girls like fast food. It's like diet culture, like do you do-da, do-da. Girls only like salads when they're full of meat and cheese.

And pasta, and croutons, and anything that isn't a leaf. Cause we're animals, and we love a good feed, and we like food. Salad should be a salad.

Aka, it should be on the side. Okay? Garnish, not the meal.

And to add further insult to injury, we laugh at those salad girls. But you know what? Those salad girls have been told that if you don't eat the salad, you're not sexy.

Society's audacity to give people eating disorders, and then mock them for said disorders, is outstanding. If you eat the fries, you're a cool girl, but oh no, don't get fat. If you eat the salad, you're a boring girl, but at least you're in shape.

Suck my dick, society. You're boring, you're gross. And you want people to be unhappy unless they fit a particular mold.

Well, speaking as a member of the female species, I am tired of having to hate myself. And I'm tired of all my friends having to hate themselves, and being like, Oh, I'm not like this, my feet are big. Your feet are not big, okay? Your feet are feet-shaped.

This is just shoe companies wanting you to feel bad and pay more money for wide. You do not have wide feet, your feet are feet. And also, women's shoes are not feet-shaped.

Apart from Crocs. Crocs are feet-shaped. Everything else is a pointy, ballerina-squished little.

.. point. And that is not how feet look.

And I yield to war. Do not even get me started on those devil instruments. Yeah, but they look so good, they are instruments of the devil.

They squish and pinch and bruise and bloody and leave you feeling ouchy. And that is why women are turning to Crocs. And that is why women are turning to Crocs and sweatpants.

Because we deserve clothing that says, Ah, I got you. I'm sorry, but the will makes no sense, and so I must rage against the machine. And by rage against the machine, I of course mean rant to you.

Aren't you a lucky duck? Thank you for letting me ramble aimlessly with no conclusion. I see you, I appreciate you, I will buy you grease.

Hmm. .. So.

.. What's it like being on a date with me? Eh, that means it's a good date? Cause we're chilling, we're vibing, we're talking about very important things like Crocs.

What more do you want? Okay mister, what's your idea of a real date? A restaurant? Where they give you cutlery? Oh, I don't know if I'm trained for that.

Which one's the cutty one again? So, you wanna go on a fancy date? Well.

.. Never say never. Well, not while you're concerned.

I know, I'm a simp and a sucker. Eh, don't worry, I'm only doing this to get into your pants. Can you imagine if that was true? I mean, eventually that'd be nice, but you know.

.. I like the journey. Besides, if I want orgasms, I can see to that myself.

A good 20 minutes is the goal. I mean, I don't know if I'm trained for that. I know, I'm a simp and a sucker.

Long enough to be enjoyable, quick enough not to take all day. You need to know these things. Well, how are we ever gonna have sex if we can't talk about it? Are you one of those people that doesn't talk about sex? You little shy boy! I'm not! I'm not making fun, I'm endeared.

So what are you doing? You just fumble your way through? Oh, you're adorable.

Oh, so you go for the Dutch courage thing. Have you ever had sex sober? Well, maybe that's something we can change.

I used to be the same. I used to see a loosey-goosey, hop on and be like, oh god, I'm gonna be sick. After that, I was like, eh, you know what, I'm just gonna be embarrassed and ask questions and be like, is this okay?

What about this? How do you think? Huh? Huh? Huh? And it turns out it was the best way to have an orgasm.

Just a little tip for you there. Sober sex, huh? What a novel idea.

So the insecure boys and girls are also shy boys and girls. What an outcome, what a shock. I think we're gonna have to be more multifaceted.

Hey, you once said you could talk to me about anything. Sex is anything. Well, it might be a little less weird if we talk about it as friends first.

Because then we can laugh and be like, ha-ha, your pee-pee's funny. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Your pee-pee is magnificent, your pee-pee is perfectly pee-pee-like.

I'm gonna stop saying pee-pee. The point is, it might be less awkward and more honest and, you know, just real. Example? Please don't ever call me a slut because I will instantly karate kick you in the face.

That's absolutely nothing for me, makes me want to vomit. You? You see, no calling you daddy, perfect.

That's actually very in line with me, so we're good so far. What else? I don't like sex to feel pressured, so it would be appreciated if you weren't like, oh, well, we haven't had sex in ages and, you know, we should do it, and it's like, what should?

Shouldn't it just be something we do because we want to do it? So no schedules, no, we said we were gonna do it tonight, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just authentic, I'm horny, are you horny? Cool, let's go.

Well, one, because it's not very sexy, and two, I'm autistic. If it feels like a demand, I'm not gonna want to do it. So, you? No springing kinks on you last minute, got it.

So no choke me daddy? Fair enough. So, thoughts on contraception? Well, I'm not on the pill, and I don't really like the idea of diaphragms, heard way too many ghost stories, so that leaves contraception.