💋🥹 Uber Real Talk 🥹 💋 (F4M) (Friends to Lovers) (Us Being a Couple is a Good Idea) (Emotional & Heartfelt) (Cuddling on the Sofa)

Transcript

Hello, my baby, hello, my honey, hello, my ragtag girl. Hello, apartment that might as well be my apartment because I freak around it so much. Did you miss me? I'm talking to your apartment, thank you.

We have a sentient connection that you couldn't possibly understand. Ignore him, he just feels left out. Excuse me, very important person coming through.

Couch, faithful couch that I have slept on many a time, how are you? You smell like Febreze. Chinese takeout? Speaking of which, what do we have in the fridge on this auspicious night? Dig deep, young one, dig deep.

Huh? How can you not have leftovers? You're the king of leftovers.

You ate your leftovers without me, how rude. Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We're gonna have to pick up our phone, place an order, wait for the food.

Ah, maternity is so hard. Please and thank you. And the fortune cookies, and the soup, and the noodles, and the chicken.

I like eating with you, it feels comfy. Your couch, and your lighting. You know the rule, no big light.

Lamps and candles, motherfucker, never the big light. Who are these criminals who come in and are like, you know what I need? Harsh, bright light, right in my retina.

I mean, what do they need that precision for? Surgery? Torturing their victims? No good can come from such bright lighting, I will not hear counter-arguments.

You ordered? Men come here? Guys, you're being weird.

Even more so than usual. Calm. It's only weird if you make it weird.

So sit on the couch, and just be the regular amount of weird. Hmm. Hmm.

Hi. Can I ask you a question? Did you like kissing me? What? Because I need to know.

Because my brain is rattling and going, oh, what if he was just humoring you? Oh, what if it's all a big mistake? So, come on, this is all what friendships and relationships are about, right? Like, making eye contact and shit.

Tell me. Okay, fine, I'll go first. I, yes, a lot, okay? It was warm and cozy and.

.. It didn't feel scary. No, no, no, no, no, you see, this is how they get you.

In movies, they're like, oh, no, if it's familiar and kind and calm, it's not good. It's supposed to be exciting and adrenaline-inducing and anxiety-propelling. But really? Science does not support this.

Science says if you have constant butterflies around someone, it means you don't feel safe. Not a good foundation for a relationship. And I feel safe around you.

It's past 11, you're intoxicated, I'm not, we're at your apartment, shit could go down. But I feel safe, because I am safe, because I know you, and I know you would never do that. Motherfucker, you still sleep on the couch when I come here.

You're like, no, no, you on the bed, you've never once suggested anything lysaceous or weird. And you could have. I'm wishy-washy and easily influenced.

Of course you could have. But you didn't, because you're not an ass. Hence why I feel safe.

And you know what? I don't feel safe around most guys. Nah, because even when they're nice to you, they're like, I'm only being nice to you on your potential.

It's not sincere, they don't care. It's not safe. But with you, it's like, I see that you see me.

I'm not just a pair of tits and ass, because you don't view women like that, which is really nice. Jesus, God, I have such a shit record with men. And we could say, oh, you could have picked better.

But you know what we also could say? Men could do better. People could do better.

But no, it's the victim's fault, of course. Sorry, that had a nerve. You are kind, okay? You're not nice, you're kind.

There's a difference. Nice is, what can I get from you? I will do these things, but I'm expecting something in return.

Kind is, eh, this is the right thing to do, here. You're that one, motherfucker, okay? And that is rare.

Hence why I feel safe, hence why the kisses felt nice and comforting and warm and maybe even a little like, ooh, what's this, you know? So I'm sorry that I'm not a ball of nerves. I'm sorry that I eat in front of you.

I'm sorry that I burp and fart and do everything that humans do in front of you. But you know why? Because that's me.

I get spots, I have hairs in places that men don't expect women to have hairs. And you see that and you say, yeah, I know, you're a mammal. So, you know, fuck butterflies, okay? Fuck tension and mystique and all this bullshit that's just fake.

I don't want fake. Every single bra I have is a sports bra. No lift, no push, no nothing.

My titties hang a little bit low because they're heavy. That is reality and gravity. And you know this and you go, yeah, tits go down.

And you know this and you go, yeah, tits go down. And I would never trade that for, oh, no, never. Because the same way you see me, I see you, okay? And you are safe.

And that is no small thing to a girl, okay? So feel seen and appreciated and like I want to be here because I do, okay? And if nothing comes of it and we just stay friends, that's great.

But I'm not going to say sorry for kissing you because I liked it. So, SNL opening over. Thoughts? Okay.

Oh, well, I don't want to lose you either. Which probably explains why it's taken us 10 years to have this conversation. How's that working for us? Well, we've established we're insecure losers, so maybe we should stop.

Well, then we'll just make a promise and be like, look, if this goes tits over ass, it's fine, okay? We can get over some fumbling. Look, you've seen tits.

I've seen penis. It's just body parts. I mean, you know, it's.

.. You see, this is why there's so much drama. Everyone makes such a big fucking deal about sex.

And it's like, on a personal level, yeah, I get it. It's like, oh, yeah, but in the grand scheme of your life, it's a penis going inside a hole, okay? It's not that deep.

I mean, the average woman's only like five inches deep. You see? Much ado about nothing.

So maybe we should just say fuck it and just go, because who cares if we have sex and it's bad? Who cares if we have sex and it's great, and then we don't work as a couple? Who cares? You're still you.

I'm still me, you know? It's just spittin' saliva and semen, no biggie. No biggie.

Uh, excuse me. Pointing out the ridiculous pressure put on people to have sex, not have sex, whatever the sex, it's hella romantic. Because it underlines the fact that I'm not into you for your penis.

I'm into you for you. The penis is a bonus. Oh, I'm sure it's a really good penis.

Not as good as mine, but you know. I was saving that as a surprise. Info dump.

I mean, technically, the clit's a tiny penis, so, you know, did I lie? Come here. Hug me, please.

You okay? I'm okay. Because you're you.

And I have faith in you. I have faith in your kindness. I have faith in your strength.

I have faith in those big eyes. I have faith in your ability not to be an asshole. Non-assholes get kisses.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

It feels real. Mm. I like real.

I like this apartment. I like this couch. I like your funny eyebrows.

I like you. I think that's enough to encourage me to stop being an insecure loser. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Ooh.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. For now.

Well, I might also need you to open the door for the delivery guy. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.