💋 📱 Uber Cute 📱 💋 (F4M) (Friends to Lovers) (Tomboy Friend is Your Uber Ride) (God, Dating’s Awful) (We Should Just Date)

Transcript

Hello motherfucker, what does it look like I'm doing I am your uber yes, and I'm very cute come here I have my ways well you know how we only have like five friends between us and they all talk to each other and they said you were going out and I was like hey I'm on shift wait I want to finish my shift early hey I know who goes home early I have arrived now get yourself in this car now I'm all part of the service come on who's a good boy come on not even 11 and already going home that's my good boy oh but you're so cute I love that you're eager to get home for roasty toasty hot chocolate and jammies I hope good man you have taste ready let's ride yeah you're so funny I happen to be an excellent driver thank you says uber they hired me I forgot how to laugh he's so funny he's so funny when I'm taking him home for free I'm not even charging him huh mmm think about that with your jokes ah suddenly he's silent mmm I love my little cheapskate so how was it did you dance all night did you boogie woogie woogie or did you stand awkwardly in the corner and think God why am I here I speak from experience huh you got FOMO and then you're like come on go outside and then you're like fuck I gotta go outside outside is awful cuz it's full of people and not even my people people I don't know strangers and as we know they're a danger well it looks like you avoid it being spiked well done I think being drugged to put a damper on your evening mm-hmm I've never been drugged but I can't imagine it's that fun oh the nausea and the threat of sexual assault and I'm not knowing where you are it's like no no thank you I would like to go home and stare silently into the abyss exactly guess we have taste I've missed this no me picking you up and just driving and going somewhere not knowing where we're going and just feels cozy no no I know I'm taking you home we just met you know just hanging out cruising for a bruising or something or nothing you know what I mean I've missed you yeah you've been too busy for me lately going out trying to get drunk hit me some people people you don't even know you sociopath it's like you're trying to forge connections or something and I find it appalling you want to socialize with people we don't know make new connections broaden your friendship circle you disgust me get out but not now cuz the car's moving and also I need a five-star rating mm-hmm you will give me five stars cuz it's free stingy and me and my god what do I see in you apart from a cute face of course oh come on even you know you have a cute face but it's so round and squishy and I just want to pinch come on okay sorry miss Daisy both hands on the wheel eyes on the road God are you this bossy with all our drivers oh just me well I'm flattered so did you have fun okay well did you hate it hey there's a win we aim for ambivalence no well would you rather hate something or be neutral about it mm-hmm now you don't want hate hate straining takes energy neutrality is like man I don't care aim for neutrality it's what I do example I could be furious hateful that you went out and didn't invite me but I choose to be neutral supportive his business his stuff I'm not his keeper I didn't want to go out but it would have been nice to be asked it makes total sense it's the gesture would have been nice but I don't want to go out I just want to spend time with you I why is that so hard to understand cuz it's not about going out getting drunk and quote-unquote partying it's about spending time with my friend oh I guess he's so charming and he's always it's such a good mm-hmm okay well from now on I will say I'll say hey you want to hang out so I'm literally saying it right now good we'll hang out mm-hmm we're gonna have fun and drive and talk and reminisce and you're gonna have a good time cuz you're with me I see a smile why are you so resistant to have a good time huh why why you want to be miserable are you still on that what was me crap you know that whole I'm so unlovable no one will ever like me hmm yeah crap full of crap and self-pity and self-doubt and I'm too scared to put myself out there cuz you are I speak from experience I'm full of crap too yeah dating scary and terrifying and disappointing as hell do I look like a well-adjusted human being to you no I'm an honest one honestly dating is like what the heck what am I supposed to do with this what have you listened to any of my date stories if it's not fuck me right now it's how many bodies have you buried well I assume that's the body count they're referring to thus far zero no murders in the building no one's ever seemed worth it that I agree that dating is horrible that doesn't mean you're not full of crap cuz you are oh you're so determined to be unlikable I don't understand except I completely do because it's a self-defense mechanism well if you tell yourself over and over again that no one will like you we get used to the idea I'm not lonely I don't stare into the abyss at night and thank God I haven't held someone's hand in years and I'm totally okay with it again speaking from experience there is no judgment here friend just empathy and speaking as an empath we're full of crap because you're nice and decent and you smell good and stop feeling sorry for yourself as a defense mechanism it's not gonna work because deep down in your lizard heart you know you actually want to be with someone hence why you go out even when you don't really want to go help if I'm following romantic comedy logic if I go out somehow I will meet the one and you know what I think that's really cool do you see me laughing I mean it well at least you're doing something about it I'm just venting the passengers and doing absolutely nothing productive to change my circumstances we might be full of crap but you're doing better than me congrats you know what our problem is we are insecure assholes I really need to stop cuz what's the point we're not murderers or rapists or arson enthusiasts you know there's decency and kindness and some sort of humor there's a foundation I mean we like each other so there's hope always look on the bright side of life do do do do do do do do do do uh yes I am gonna be one of those uber drivers the talks thank you well I can sing more if you prefer always look on the bright side of life do do do do do do do do do do do pink and 13 you see you can't do this with a new person you have to keep the weird and cringe inside for just a little bit but with you it's like nah let it out well isn't that friendship truth trust yeah well if romance doesn't include that I don't want it mystique and intrigue so overrated so based in projection I don't believe in fantasy when it comes to people if I want fantasy I'll watch dragon show when I want hand-holding I'll turn to real life even with these sweaty bad boys is you know I have squidgy hands I have generalized anxiety disorder I can't help it the world is anxiety inducing so I am anxious okay I'm making it make sense and we are home that'll be three hundred dollars and a kiss stingy fine nothing and a hug come here oh I'm proud of you oh Jesus accept the compliment you will have self-esteem you will be respected you will receive adoration okay no running for cover motherfucker come here listen to me okay I've driven you here I haven't had a drop of alcohol okay so what I'm about to say is sobriety fueled you are good you are kind you are funny in your own dark twisted little way twisted little way you are sassy you are classy you have a nice ass I might have had a friendly look it was completely respectful I assure you a lady never lies the point is you are likable you are lovable so stop being so full of crap stop feeling sorry for yourself stop hiding and just let people be nice to you okay your cheek look lonely oh but now the other one's sad oh no oh I'm back again oh no I'm a glutton for equality what can I say.