The Wrong Roommate

Transcript

Oh, what the hell is that? And now I'm going to wake up the entire apartment, fuck. So much for getting out of here before anybody sees me, shit.

Uh, hi! I didn't know you were awake this early. Well, at least I didn't wake you up with my klutziness.

Sorry about this, let me just pick the. .. Are you sure? Um, well no, I can clean up after myself.

Here, I'll just pick these up, okay? There. I'm just gonna go.

Um. .. Coffee, uh.

.. You know what, sure, I'd love a cup of coffee. Thanks.

So, what the hell are you doing up this early on a Saturday? Don't you sleep? Ah, all night.

Wow, dedication, I like it. Did you at least place or win or whatever you do in those tournaments? Yeah.

Did you just get home not too long ago then? Sorry, I'm asking all these questions like it's my business, but. ..

I'm really uncomfortable that you caught me trying to sneak out, so I'm deflecting a little bit. So, just go with it, okay? Here.

Wait, you were in your room all night? Oh. Well, no, I'm not embarrassed.

Well, of course you didn't hear anything, there was nothing to hear. Okay, yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Um.

.. Thanks, coffee. Um, I'm gonna take a sip of this first, before I.

.. Yep. It's good.

No, I like black coffee. I mean, it's kind of like rocket fuel, right? Mm, cream and sugar just dilutes it.

Anyway, um, no, I came home with your roommate, yeah, but. .. Not like that, oh god, no.

This is not a walk of shame. No, he still passed out in there. Yeah.

No, we were at my place, and he was part of a big marathon D&D game with my roommate and some of her friends. And when the game was over, she just dipped with somebody, I'm not actually sure who. So he didn't have a ride, because she was his ride.

She's kind of like that. So I gave him a ride home. And then on the ride over, we were talking about the new season of Stranger Things had just come out, and he hadn't seen it, and I hadn't seen it, and well.

.. To be perfectly frank, if I went back to my apartment, I would find a towel on the doorknob, because my roommate would be taking advantage of the fact that I left. So it seemed.

.. It seemed more fun to just hang out here and watch Stranger Things with him than to sit in the hallway outside my own apartment, or go to some all-night coffee shop and be stared at by creepy people. So, yeah.

Yeah, that's what we were doing, we were watching Stranger Things. If we had known you were here, we would have invited you. Your door was closed, so he said you probably weren't home.

Yeah. Well, yeah, of course we would have. I mean, you live here.

We have a class together, so I know who you are. It's not weird. Is it? Is it weird? Okay.

Yeah, we have lit class together. We have all semester. And we had chem lab last semester, and I think math too, right? Why do you look surprised? Oh, well.

I just kind of do my own thing, I guess. Well, you didn't say hi either, so it's not just me. Well, maybe it's the lack of sleep or the really good coffee, but I was kind of hoping you'd be here.

That's why I offered to drive him home. Again, with the surprised, I mean, it's a nice expression, but your normal one is better. Yeah, I was kind of bummed I spent the night with the wrong roommate, though not like that.

Well, I've been kind of trying to work up the courage to say something to you for a while now, and the nervous energy is making it a little bit easier, and the fact that we're the only ones here, and I'm already completely mortified, so it kind of takes the pressure off. You're not saying anything. Should I just go? I feel like a total tool right now.

Okay. I mean, sure, if you don't want me to leave, but the mortified isn't getting any better when you're just sitting there saying nothing. Yeah, that's what I said, that I've been wanting to talk to you for a while.

Actually, when we were partnered up a couple weeks ago for the analysis assignment on that awful, awful book, oh my god, I was kind of hoping that we would be put together because our names are sort of close on the class list, but of course, the prof had to throw a curve ball and do it completely differently, so, you know, that ended well. Who knew that the hat was going to be a thing, pulling names out of a hat for partners? Last I checked, we're adults, and we probably could have formed our own partnerships, but here we are.

That's what happens when the prof is like 80. I'm rambling because you're still not saying anything. Well, you ended up with, you know, the cheerleader for a partner.

How was that? Did you just say exhausting? Mm-hmm.

I can see that. No, I ended up working with that guy that sort of slinks in at the back of the room. He sits right by the door.

He's always the last one in, first one out. Never really says anything. Yeah.

Yeah, he actually turned out to be really, really smart and really good at this. So, he didn't like the book any more than I did, but we had some really good conversations about it, and he didn't, you know, make me do all the work, which was nice. So, yeah, it turned out really well, but I'm getting the vibe that your experience with that project wasn't as good.

Mm-hmm. Well, at least you know when you do all the work, you're going to get a decent grade, I guess. I don't know.

Silver linings. Yeah. Yeah, it is kind of nice just sitting here, stupidly early on a Saturday, just chatting like this.

It is kind of the perfect opportunity to talk without the prof or the TAs or, you know, 250 students getting in the way, making things awkward. I can do that all by myself. I don't need help, as you've seen.

It's not as difficult talking to you as I thought it would be. I mean, original mortification aside. Oh, it's your turn now.

Your turn for what? Mortify. Okay, all right.

I'm all ears. We've bonded over mutual mortification, so go. Oh.

I'm not sure what I thought you were going to say, but that wasn't it. I thought you were gearing up to lay something really bad on me, but the fact that you've been wanting to talk to me, too, isn't bad at all. In fact, you don't get to be mortified now because I took the first step.

There was absolutely no risk in that for you whatsoever. None. No, we are no longer bonded over mutual mortification.

It's still all mine. Okay, well, that kind of. ..

All right, you can have some back. You knew I was here. And that's why you're up at this time.

You didn't go to bed. You wanted to make sure that I got home. Well, that.

.. Yeah. Mildly stalkerish, but then again, not at all.

Your roommate is not a jerk. He's not. No, my roommate's a jerk.

Like, I'm probably going to go home and find some rando bare-assed in my living room. But your roommate was actually decent. Yeah, he even let me sleep on the bed you passed out on the floor.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm bummed you missed it, too. But hey, I mean, we didn't finish the whole season, and I wouldn't be opposed to rewatching if you wanted to.

Yeah, I'd like that, too. Were you really worried that I was going to do the actual walk of shame this morning? What would you have said to me if that's what I had done? Come out of there with my, I don't know, underwear in my pocket or something? And this is why I feel like I spent the night with the wrong roommate.

The fact that you just would have made sure I got home okay anyway and dealt with the rest of it later instead of being a dink about it. Yes, I said that. Tells me that my instinct was right.

Yeah. It is very endearing that even though you thought I slept with your roommate, you were still concerned. But I didn't.

I totally didn't. I promise. No.

No. It was just TV. Now, if it was just you and me, I don't know.

Oh, God, did I just. .. Yeah, I just said that.

Just forget I said that. The coffee hasn't kicked in yet, and I didn't sleep as much as I should have. So just ignore me, okay? There goes that mortification again, and you don't get to claim any of that.

It's not cute. It's disgusting. Well, you're cute, too.

Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, you're not too close.

I like how close you are right now, actually. Yes, I did say it would have been different if it had been you and me. Well, I probably still would have no idea what was happening in the new season of Stranger Things.

Which is a tragedy, because it's kind of epic. But I would be willing to forgo that information for something better. Yeah.

Mmm. It tastes like coffee. It's good coffee, so that's even better.

No, don't apologize. If I hadn't wanted you to kiss me, I would have stopped you. Nope, you still don't get to share in the mortification.

Nope, nope, still all mine. Well, this is a fine situation we find ourselves in. Mm-hmm.

Um, that's a really good question. I don't actually know what we're supposed to do now. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.