The More the Stars Fade, The More We Realize We're Star-Crossed (Episode 15, Exes series - Moody Musician)

Transcript

As you listen to this audio role-play, I invite you to use headphones and imagine yourself as the main character of this story. Are you. ..

What? Yeah, I'm pretty close to falling asleep. Yeah, that coffee we just had can't compete with the all-nighter we just had, too.

I mean, I'm super comfy sitting side-by-side on these pillows with our backs propped against this brick wall. And it might be twilight, but it's been so frickin' hot with this Montreal summer heat wave, so it's already the perfect temperature without the sun even being out yet. So yeah, I could totally just fall asleep like this.

Yeah. I can't fall asleep now. I know, I know.

The show's starting already. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I love this electric blue color of the sky right before the golden hour begins.

And we can still see the moon and the stars. It's like a neon version of the night sky behind a sleeping silhouette of a city with most of its lights turned off now that most folks have finally gone to bed. Yeah, maybe I'm projecting.

I think I'm ready to be a sleeping silhouette myself. Hmm? Really? Do you think they'll deliver room service to the roof? Yeah, actually, I'm really hungry, and I could definitely use another cup of joe if you want me to hang in there for another hour or so to see this supposedly spectacular sunrise with you.

Okay, yeah, yeah, sure. I mean, it's worth trying, right? Do you have your phone and wallet? Okay.

Good morning. Of course, yes, I am sure that is possible. I will get Francine to bring it up.

What would you like? Of course. And what room should I charge it to? Okay, it will be just a few minutes.

Have a good day. Wow. Well, this is a first for me.

Getting room service on the rooftop of a hotel. Yeah, I can definitely say that every experience I have ever shared with you has been unexpected and unique. Yeah, yeah, I love how you constantly surprise me with all the different ways you break the rules.

Yeah, yeah, it's funny. I'm not usually into bad boy types. Yeah, but you are quite the rebel.

Oh yeah, you are definitely into bad boy peeps. Right, right. You had mentioned you like a fairly dominant top.

Oh, right. But those doms hurt you one time too many? So then what about me? Are you attracted to me? Well, I'm about as far removed from bad boy as they get.

Ah, I see. You like my player side? Yeah, I posture and pull out the mask vibes for sure when I'm flirting.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, for real. My friends used to be blown away at how much I could score since I looked nothing like the hot women who typically got the most attention.

Well, my secret was that I knew I wasn't competing against those hot women. I was attracting them. And other feminine folks too.

And my competition was mainly cis men. And I'll be honest, it wasn't hard to outshine a lot of them and win the femmes' hearts. Most of the peeps I was flirting with were looking for physical and emotional intimacy.

And I knew I could deliver on both counts. I knew I could provide the sexy compliments, the intense eye contact and erotic gaze, and the confident signals of a man. And also offer the safe and comforting presence of a woman.

While also having a shit ton of knowledge and skills for how to get all varieties of folks off. So yeah, I knew I could deliver. And I guess that bit of arrogance and self-confidence played in my favor.

But really, I think I was good at flirting because of my empathy. Yeah, I learned early on that seduction was all about being focused on others instead of being focused inward on myself. It wasn't about showing off.

What I really had to do was make the effort and pay attention, you know? Show sincere interest. Listen.

Notice details. Ask questions. And make sure to be respectful and polite when I chatted folks up.

Be a social, civil human being. Earth-shattering, right? But yeah, truly, kindness and straightforwardness always did the trick for me.

I just try to foster a bit of a connection with people who caught my eye. And at the end of the night, just say, hey, it was really nice flirting with you this evening. Were you feeling this vibe between us tonight too? Would you be interested in exploring this further? I don't know about smooth or suave.

Again, it wasn't an act or anything. But I knew I wasn't the hottest stud on the dance floor. So I played to my strengths.

And I gotta say, kindness really matters. Most people want to be seen and heard. And offered a little tenderness and vulnerability along with sexy, you know? And it may have helped that I had some pretty killer dance moves that I like to show off back then too.

Yeah, yeah, just call me Magic Mike. So yeah, maybe a bit of a player. But like I said, it's not a put-on.

I'm being myself when I flirt. But no, I am definitely not a bad boy. I'm about as good girl as they get.

I get the sense that you are a lot like that too. At least when you're not in a power suit on stage anyway. Really? You don't think you're actually as nice as I think you are? There you go, talking about that monster again.

Right, and you think I'm a naïve, innocent creature who doesn't know any better. Yeah, I know. But All Stars, I keep telling you, I'm not the bell to your beast.

I'm not the bell to your beast. I'm not the bell to your beast. I'm not the bell to your beast.

I'm not as fragile and delicate as you think I am. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm fresh off a breakup. I'm also 5 years younger than you, and 13 years behind you in terms of coming out for the first time.

And riddled with fucking parental and past relationship trauma. Yeah, you're absolutely right. And on top of that, I have no fucking clue what my future is going to be.

Because I currently spend most of my life sick and in the hospital. And I have no home, and I'm as broke as fuck. I carry a shit ton of psychological baggage.

And I'm full on into figuring all that crap out right now. So yeah, I am definitely a mess. But I can also tell you that I'm far from fragile, or delicate, or weak, or helpless.

I'm tougher than you think, All Stars. And I've had a lot of practice at wrestling inner demons. You might be surprised what I can handle in that scary cave of yours.

Try me. Well, how about we shine a light on this awful monster, and get to know it a little better? Yeah.

What if I hold your hands, and you can tell me a bit about this dragon you got in there? Look, for real, I'm not trying to make light of it. I get that you locked this part of you away for a reason.

But you said it yourself. I help make your demons quiet. You know, maybe you don't have to bury them anymore.

Or tame them alone. Yeah, I've got evil stuff lurking in the dark corners of my mind too. But what if we trained our dragons together? Yeah.

Sure, yes. Whatever you feel okay sharing. Well, okay.

Can you tell me what don't you like about yourself? Yeah, like, what are these parts of you that you hate so much, or that you're worried I'll hate? Right.

The parts you can't control? I see. What happens when you feel threatened? Right, right.

Yeah, it just gets set off. Yeah, like you flip your lid and lose your shit, and inadvertently hurt everyone around you? Okay.

So you're scared of hurting me? So you're scared of hurting me? Right.

I mean, so far, I've seen you in a few situations where others have been incredibly violent towards you, and you always seem to hold it together so diplomatically. I'm in awe, actually, of how calm and collected you stay, and truly, I feel protected and safe when I'm with you. Oh, I see.

Okay. But that's just with strangers? Okay.

Right. So what tends to happen with people you do know better? Like your friends and co-workers and stuff? Right, right.

They know not to press your buttons? And not to cross your boundaries? Yeah, yeah, that's fair.

So you don't really get triggered in those relationships? Right, okay. Ah, I see.

And then there's family and romantic relationships. Yeah. Oh my god, yes.

So much potential to get hurt when we open ourselves up, get close to someone, and share vulnerable stuff together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, it makes total sense.

Oh, okay. I see, I see. Almost like you don't trust yourself? What do you mean? Oh, okay.

So like you don't trust your judgment of people? Ah, right. And what their true intentions and motivations are? Yeah, I get that too.

Yeah, it's kind of like you can't rely on your intuition and gut feelings to be right about others? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because our radars are so skewed and warped by trauma in our past relationships, that dangerous people and toxic dynamics actually feel comforting and familiar?

I know. It's like we almost seek them out. We're magnetically drawn to them, aren't we? I know, it really fucks up our ability to recognize those red flags.

Oh, you don't trust your rage either? Oh, you don't trust your rage either? In what way? Yeah, yeah, you had said that.

It sounds like it's been a torrential hurricane of agony and turmoil inside sometimes? That's so heavy.