Taming of the Bro Part One

Transcript

See if the Balvanese can move their session to Thursday. Yeah. Uh, offer them a complimentary sensory package.

They always add that on for their anniversary anyway. What? Goddammit, that motherfucker.

Hold on. I don't want to talk about it. No, if I can get my foot in the door with the major foreign investors in this town, I'll have the income I need to open a second location.

So we need to do the best we can to be accommodating and offer our existing clients whatever we can in exchange for their flexibility. Yeah, someone said that same shit when I started wooing all the bar and club owners in town. And how did that work out for us again? Mm-hmm.

Networking is where the power is, girl. Ugh, next month. I'd check, but I don't have my laptop in here with me.

No, I'm in the fucking closet. Which is bigger than my kitchen, by the way. Yeah, these walls are probably made from the bones of an endangered species.

You'd think they could get some decent soundproofing. I wish I could move out. He still refuses to let me out of the lease.

Yeah, he apparently thought having a female roommate would give him in-house pussy on demand, and he's just butt hurt that I'm not falling all over myself to get on his dick. My now former realtor gave me his information when I said I needed a short-term rental while my apartment was being remodeled. I can't afford to break it between what I'm paying here and what I owe on my remodel.

Nope, can't afford a hotel either on top of all that. If I tell him who I am, he's going to go from on my ass to up it, so no. Do you think that boy even knows what a pro-dom is? Okay, I can't take this anymore.

I'll check next month and send these emails in a few minutes, but I've got to let you go. Okay. Yes, hello, I'd like to file a noise complaint, please.

1437 North Wisteria, apartment 500. I'm also at 1437 North Wisteria. Yeah, hold on just a second.

Any questions? Yeah, that's the one. No, senior asshole passed away and left his giant ass apartment to his favorite grandson, junior asshole.

Do you know him? Oh, how long ago? Yikes.

I'm so sorry. Hey, if you don't mind me asking, where did you meet him? Yeah, no offense, but I don't think you're exactly in the country club ultra lounge VIP income bracket and he seems determined to blow through his inheritance as fast as possible.

That's where he was tonight to that fucker. Because it's ladies night, of course. So I'll tell you what, if you can get someone out here in the next 30 minutes I can get him banned from that club.

Yeah, I'll even have him deep clean it, burn some sage, call an exorcist. No, but I know the owner. Kind of have him by the balls, so to speak.

Okay, I'm going to let you get with the dispatching. Have a great night. Bye bye.

Just a minute. It's locked, dumbass. Yes.

I did. That's what people do when someone's being unreasonably loud at 1am on a work night. I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get to finish.

It sounded like they didn't either. Oh, speaking of which, I got you something yesterday. Here you go.

Call it a peace offering between roomies. Didn't realize you were so vanilla. Those are ball gags.

Well, that one is. The other is a full on gag. You seem to gravitate towards screamers and what I'm assuming are anime voice actresses.

See, it's like a belt that shuts your face up. Want to try it on? I'll help.

Really? Oh, I was dead serious. All right, get on over here then.

Okay, open up. Looks like you are a medium. And there you go.

Oh, I like you like this. Turn your head. Very nice.

You know women love a strong silent type. No, I think I'll leave that on for a while. Oh, yes, it locks if you have one.

You just stay right there and behave. I'll tell you what. I have a friend who does professional soundproofing.

I can get him over here today. You pay for your room to be soundproofed and I'll give you this key back. Judging by the middle finger you're giving me, you don't love that idea.

But if you don't, I'm going to toss this key out the window and you can go hunt for it on the sidewalk. You know how much people in this neighborhood love to upload things to social media. I mean, I guess you could shoot the cops a message.

But after the cop last night found out you slept with his sister, things got kind of dark. So thumbs up. There you go.

Finally making good choices. Good boy. Why is your dick out in the kitchen? Is this an American pie situation? Because if so, please fuck your baked goods in the privacy of your bedroom.

Wait, where exactly has your ass been in this kitchen? Are you at least putting a towel down before setting your naked asshole on the chairs? What do you mean not just the chairs? You're tea bagging the fucking kitchen counters where we where I prepare food.

Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? You're smearing the counters with the entire sexual history of every woman you've ever banged. And the table, do you? Yes.

Uh, yeah. Wow, you figured it out. Was the giant stack on the coffee table a clue? And here I was trying to be so subtle.

Oh, I'm not the only one giving them out. The doorman jumped on it, too. Turns out you fucked Bill's now ex-wife last year, so he was more than happy to help.

And the rest are just doing it because it's hilarious and they hate your ass. No, I made them myself, actually. Weirdly, none of the local clinics had a, so you had sex with this fuck boy pamphlet on hand.

See? Flattering picture of you on the front. Directory of STI testing sites.

Paternity testing information. List of local family law lawyers. A few counselors that specialize in low self-esteem.

I figured after being rode hard and tossed out wet, they'd appreciate the consolidation. I made a digital version, too. It's trending really well.

You know, the fact that you're more upset with how this makes you look than the fact that there's a market for it in the first place speaks volumes about your character. You're lucky I don't just post your picture up in the local ladies' rooms. You know, instead of getting your mantis in a bunch, you could just let me out of the lease.

Then you could turn this whole room into a lubed-up ball pit of condoms and poor decisions. Sell tickets. Or con some gold-digging socialite into signing a lease with you if you're afraid of being alone for the rest of your miserable life.

Please. I know you only wanted a female roommate for easy in-house holes, and you have to have realized by now that I'm never, ever going to fuck you. Not for funsies, not for money, not to end world hunger.

Really? You know, if you love challenges so much, why don't you try getting a job? Did that hurt your feeling? Fuck.

What in fuckboy hell? Oh, uh, hey there. Uh, hey, I'm Isla, this doucheyot's roommate.

Here's a blanket. Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

Um, I'll hear you close. Oh, he didn't tell you he lived with someone? Or that he knew I was on my way home? Oh, fuck no.

He's not my anything. He's just an asshole. Do you want me to call you an Uber, or.

.. Okay. Um, my room's right there.

I'm gonna give you a few minutes. What the actual fuck, dude? Oh, I don't give a shit about the coffee table.

I'm talking about her. That is not a gold-digging socialite you picked up at a club. That's the maintenance manager's fucking daughter, and you had her strip naked and set her up to be walked in on by a stranger?

Who the fuck does that? She's like 19. How do you think she feels right now? Do you hear that? She's crying.

You made her cry. Did you consider that before you used her as a prop in your immature bullshit? Or did you only think of yourself as usual? No.

You are gonna go to your room, and stay there until I can get that poor girl out of here. No. She is done with you.

Hey. An adult is speaking. Shut the fuck up.

Tomorrow, you're having every surface, any part of your naked body has touched in this room, professionally steam-cleaned or replaced, or I'll make it all disappear, and you can fuck on plastic sheeting like a serial killer. Now get your ass to your room and put some clothes on before I rip your dick off and slap you with it. Un-fucking-believable.

Hey. I am so sorry. Are you ready to go? Were you able to get a ride? Oh, you're staying with your parents.

If you don't mind me asking, where did you run into him in the first place? Interesting. Okay.

No. I'll handle it. Hey.

It's me again. I need you to call all the bar and club owners. I'm calling in some favors.

Hello, roomie. I like the new sectional. It goes well with the new non-sticky rug.

Well done. Hmm. So? Go somewhere else.

Hmm. Well, that is mysterious. Maybe try Dave and Buster's? Or Chuck E.

Cheese? I don't know why you're bitching to me about it. Really? Your life was totally on point before I met you.

Wow. Well, there's an easy solution, isn't there? Let me move out.

Are you fucking kidding me? You still want me to fuck you? To get out of a lease? There's a word for that, you know.

Oh, yeah. I'm well aware of the kind of lawyer you can afford. You get your dick wet on a daily, but you're just gonna keep holding out for me.

And who do you plan to fuck in the meantime? Yes, yes, I'm an evil, horrible witch. You complain, but I don't think you realize I can hear you jerking off in the bathroom every time I take your ass down a peg.

Maybe you just need to be polite. Maybe you just need to be broken down and built back up into a decent human being. Fuck me? Never.

But I am reconsidering fucking you. I can sometimes be a babysitter of sorts, but no, your father didn't hire me as revenge for getting cut out of senior asshole's will. I'm a professional dom.

You wish. I'm established enough I can afford to be very picky about my clients. If we weren't in this situation, I wouldn't top you for all the money in your father's secret offshore accounts.

Oh, yeah, he has them. Better start sucking up now or you're gonna be out of money by the time he finally dies. But back to my point.

I think the fastest and easiest way out of this for both of us is a compromise of sorts. Yes, I'd fuck you, but. ..

I'd have conditions. Oh, I think I am in a position to make demands. First of all, you would have kicked me out after a week if you weren't so hungry for my cunt.

And second of all, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but your sex life has been a bit flaccid lately. Maybe I'm just an agent of karma. But I can tell you if I really set my mind to it, I could cock-block you so hard your ancestors would have blue balls.

But luckily for you, I have a business to run. So are you ready to listen? Thank you.

Condition one. You go to a clinic and get a full panel of STI tests. I want you screened for diseases we assumed were eradicated from the face of the earth and maybe a flea bath too.

I get tested monthly and never have unprotected sex, but I am of course happy to share my results as well. Agreed? Good.

Condition two. I am in charge. The position, the location, any toys, all of it.

Why don't you leave it to the professional? We can go over any deal breakers or hard limits you have and I'll honor those. I have sexual preferences in stereo every night.

Trust me when I say you won't object to what I have in mind. So, good? Okay.

Condition three. If we do this, it happens 30 days from now. And for those 30 days, no one and nothing touches your cock except the cage I'm going to place on it.

One that only I'll have the key to. No cumming for 30 days. Because that's what I want.

It's non-negotiable. I think you'll actually enjoy it. You didn't hate the ball gag, did you? You know the internet exists.

You can read all about cock cages before you agree. I use them all the time. They're one of my top requested items actually.

The last condition is that all of this is spelled out in a binding legal agreement signed and notarized by both parties. I agree to fuck you and you agree to get tested as soon as possible, wear a cock cage and refrain from all sexual activity for 30 days. Take it or leave it.

For non-compliance, happy to tell you. If I don't hold up my end, I'll remove the cage immediately, stop interfering in your daily fuck fest and end my sentence sheltering in place in my bedroom. If you don't honor your end, I'll still remove the cage immediately, but then you sign the apartment over to me and you get the fuck out within 24 hours.

Thoughts? So then, do we have a deal? Excellent.

Okay, summon your lawyer. Let's do this. Well, that was three hours of my life.

I'll never get back. Fucking lawyers. Hmm? Oh, LaFroig, if you have it? Neat.

Thank you. Seriously? You're excited? Well, good, I guess.

Excited to watch you struggle? Excited to watch you struggle for 30 days? Absolutely.

Excited to fuck you? Meh. To be determined? You could surprise me, I guess.

Please. At least 75% of those women were faking it. I know what a real orgasm sounds like.

Trust me. Have you not heard of Kegel exercises? Bang out a full Morse code message down there.

Don't worry, I'll do all the work. We'll both leave this situation satisfied, assuming you do as you're told. Speaking of which, I figured we'd go ahead and get you caged up tomorrow morning right after your doctor's appointment.

Word of advice, you may want to give yourself a firm handshake goodbye, if you know what I'm saying, or you can't for a month. I'm saying you should masturbate before I lock your cock in a cage for 30 days. Where are you going? No.

Have a seat. Do it here. I'd like a preview of what I'll be working with.

Just over the clothes, nothing too explicit. Because I asked you to. Do you think you deserve privacy or dignity after the shit you've pulled this past month? Because I don't.

And I really want to watch you ruin those designer pants. Please, you could make yourself come by rubbing up against a stack of papers, but I'm choosing to be generous. You're right, you don't have to listen.

I've got my pants to, and it's straining at the seams right now. The choice is yours. That's what I thought.

Wow, so we're just going with the utilitarian approach, huh? Okay. Nothing, you do you.

No, this is very informative, and not at all surprising. I'm not judging, I'm evaluating. Honestly? C? What? C's average.

It's been good enough your whole damn life, so why don't you finish so we can head to bed in our very separate rooms? Yes, Jackoff Instruction is one of the services I offer. Has someone been Googling? Did you see my price list? Oh, really? This I have to hear.

Go on, make your case. Yep, stop you right there.