Shock and Awesome: All Grown Up

Transcript

Jesus! What the fuck is my ringer on? Hey, Perry! What's going on? My cookie press.

Fuck you can have it, it's still in the box. I didn't buy that thing, it was a gift from an overly optimistic ex, you know I use my oven for Tupperware storage. So I'm guessing you're making cookies? Snickerdoodles? Tell me you're making snickerdoodles.

No shit, Mama Bee's over there? What's the occasion? Isn't this like the third wedding already for your family this year? Yeah, but it's March.

How many damn cousins do you have? Well, as long as I get a cut of the cookies, you are welcome to my cookie press. Are you gonna come get it? Or do I have to put on pants? Hmm, well, that depends.

Is Mama Bee cooking dinner? Fuck yes. I'll leave right now.

Hey, Mama Bee! You look amazing. Still doing Zumba? Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's hard to sustain boutique gyms around here. Well, you look great. What are you doing now? Say again? Oh, my god, pole fitness, huh? Hmm, huh.

Oh, I would love to see pictures from your showcase. But I have to pee. Girl, why the fuck didn't you warn me that Mama Bee was on the pole? Who were you talking- Oh.

You. Hi. Thanks.

You too. Yeah, it's been a minute. Uh, I need Perry for a second.

Excuse us. You didn't say your fucking brother would be here. No, it doesn't matter.

I just didn't know he was in town. He moved here? Like, permanently.

He lives here now. I do not still have a crush on your fucking brother. He used to babysit us, for fuck's sake.

That would be weird. Right? That would be weird.

No, don't call him in. Fine, fuck. I have a crush on your damn brother.

Are you happy? What do you mean you knew? I never told you I still liked him.

I never told anyone. I told you I was over that shit back in middle school. Bitch, I have no tells.

Which is why I technically own your iPad after our last poker game. I don't act weird around him. Do I act weird? Fuck.

I just don't know what to say. I've been ignoring him for the past 20 years and every time I try and swallow my pride and break the ice I can barely look him in the face. He's so damn cute.

He has to be all smart and funny and sweet to your mom. Fucker. Fucker.

God, I hate perfect people. At least with him living in another time zone I didn't have to confront all of this ridiculous childhood bullshit and now he's going to be cop blocking me from my own best friend's house. Ugh.

Can you get me out of here? I don't know. Just sneak me out the back or make up a bullshit excuse or something.

Of course I want dinner. I'm out of Uncrustables and I'm sick of takeout. I just don't think I can make it through a whole dinner without making a total ass of myself.

I know, I know I need to get my shit together if he's going to be lurking around this town for the foreseeable future. Exposure therapy, huh? Fine.

But please put him as far away from me as possible and out of eyesight. Do you have any more family members you can invite? I need a bigger buffer.

Fuck. Wow. Mama B.

Those booty shorts and those heels that's what you dance in? I don't think I could sit in those much less grind in some dude's face. Ow! Wait, you don't? Then how do you make those dollar bills? Ow! Do you just keep a wooden spoon in your pocket or what? That was amazing.

Oh, no. I couldn't possibly Okay, I'll take some leftovers home. And some cookies.

You are a goddess. Thank you so much. I should get going.

I have an early planning meeting tomorrow I need to prep for. Hm? Oh.

No, I've never met this particular cousin. I only got through about ten cousins at the last extended family barbecue and he wasn't one of them. But even if I had I don't think I'm at the invite to your wedding stage with anyone but Perry and I'm pretty sure she'd rather go with that hot rugby player she met last week.

What? I'm sure your son won't have any trouble finding a date for the wedding. Oh.

That's very kind of you but he should probably pick his own plus one, don't you think? I really do need to head out. I'll just grab my to-go bag and Jesus Christ where did you- Ow! Mama Bee! He scared me.

I'm sorry. Sorry. I was just on my way out.

What? What? You You want me to go to your cousin's wedding? With you? Mama Bee, are you- Oh, she's gone.

She's gotten sneaky. Look, sorry if she was strung up but you don't- Is there an uneven amount of people or something? I can just go.

You don't have to take me. Fine. Fine.

I'll go. Jesus, since when are you hard up for a date anyway? Bye.

Sorry. I'm not trying to be rude, I swear. I'm just a little thrown off.

No, I'm happy to help you out, of course. Yeah, yeah. Send the details.

Your sister has my number. Obviously. Yeah, so I guess I'll see you at the wedding.

Fuck, I need clothes for a wedding now. Rehearsal dinner? When's that? The night before.

Cool. Totally cool. Yeah.

Sure. Thanks for helping me get ready, girl. No, Perry, this time.

I would have invited her to join us but I can't comfortably obsess and freak out in front of her since I'm talking about her damn brother. Seriously, awkwardly long avoidance and struggling to make eye contact aside, what the fuck are we even gonna talk about? Work? He teaches elementary school and I make apps for fuckboys and college kids.

I've never even heard the man cuss. How am I supposed to suffer through a rehearsal dinner and a wedding without cussing or having someone to bitch with? Oh, I hate weddings.

Hate them. Yes, seriously. You're basically stuck socializing with the couple's shitty extended family, most of which they themselves avoid for good reason.

You're stuck listening to a generic playlist of crowd-pleasing shit, eating substandard overpriced food, and watching people do the same obligatory wedding dances because you apparently can't legally get married without the fucking duck dance. And everyone is asking single people when they're getting married. Don't they want kids? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What? I write code from home full-time. Why do I need dress clothes? I've managed to avoid weddings for the past decade and the last one was an outdoor campground and officiated by drag nuns.

I don't own a hairdryer and I haven't worn makeup since COVID started. I have one little black dress and it's a hoodie dress. But it has pockets.

Like three fucking pockets and the zippers exposed. That's hot, right? Right? Please tell me I can wear my hoodie dress.

Let me have this one fucking thing. What the hell is this? It's pink.

Mauve is still pink. Ask my grandma. Her whole fucking house is mauve.

God, are there crochet doilies in here somewhere? Maybe a wallpaper border of country ducks? Come on.

I already had to buy a long-sleeve cardigan to hide my tattoos and take out all of my facial piercings. How fucking Victorian do I have to be here? What else do you have in here? Yeah, I know they go to church.

Catholic, based on the giant gory Jesus hanging in the living room. So, Catholic Jesus doesn't like body art? Yeah, I guess better safe than sorry.

I guess bursting into flames in the middle of a wedding probably wouldn't be good. I bet Unitarian Jesus doesn't care. Hey, how about the gray one? It's still modest, but at least it's stretchy.

And it has pockets. Hey, if I can't wear black, I'm going with diet black. Yes, I'm fucking frazzled.

He makes me stupid. Always has, ever since we were kids. Ugh.

I hate feeling like this. Yeah, my parents worked a lot when I was. ..

Well, my parents work a lot. So I was always running over to Mama B's to play with Perry. Anytime Mama B got busy cooking or cleaning, she'd assign him to watch over us.

He bandaged our knees, made us after school snacks, made sure we wore helmets when we rode our bikes. He was such a sweet fucking guy, even then. He never complained about being stuck babysitting when the other kids his age were out doing normal kid shit.

Oh, no, I talked to him all the time then. We gave that poor boy so much shit. Oh, I talked to him all the time then.

We gave that poor boy so much shit. I always idolized him. And then one day, when I was 9 and he was 13, I told Perry I thought he was cute, and he heard me, and I was so embarrassed that I started avoiding him.

And that trend continues to this day. Yep. Unfortunately, he just grew up to be even more attractive and awesome, so it's going to be even harder.

Especially since he probably thinks I'm a fucking weirdo. Show out, Isla. You got this.

Okay. We've got ID, credit card, phone, lipstick, shot wipes, sewing kit, Advil, and emergency lorazepam. Just breathe.

Act like a normal person. He's just a dude. Just an adorable, amazing dude.

Fuck, he's here. Eye contact. Eye contact.

I can do this. Hey! Holy shirt.

You're in a suit. I mean, you look good. Oh.

Uh, yeah. This isn't mine. The only dress I have is a hoodie dress, and I was informed that it wasn't appropriate.

I know, right? It is comfortable. And it has three pockets.

Fork. You're right. We should go.

I know, but you never cuss, and I'm going to get smacked upside the head by a thousand nanas if I cuss after this wedding, so I'm trying to be good. Bullshirt. I have never heard you cuss.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay.

That's fair. I guess between Mama B and third graders, you're probably pretty well conditioned. If you say the F word, can you feel the phantom wooden spoon crack across your ass? Oh, man, do you remember the one time you smacked Perry and I with the wooden spoon when we stole your action figures?

Mama B came for you so fast, I swore she teleported, and I'm pretty sure she broke that spatula on you. Yeah. We were little shits back then.

I don't think I ever thanked you for being such a good sport about watching us. We probably deserved a pop on the ass at least once a day, but you never cracked on us. Yeah, your students are lucky to have you.

Even as a kid, you had the patience of a saint. So we're going there now, huh? Yeah.

No, I was never mad at you. I was just embarrassed because you heard what I said that day. No, I'm not still embarrassed.

Kids say stupid shit, and I'm an adult now. I'm a little embarrassed that I avoided you for so long, and the longer I avoided you, the more embarrassed I got, and I couldn't really think of a graceful way out of it without a bunch of awkward explanations and apologies. You know, like this.

No, I'm glad you brought it up. Now hopefully this dinner will be a little less awkward. No, nothing, you know, just the stuff we just talked about, that's all.

Oh good, we're here. I'm starving. Hey, Aunt Dottie! I know it's been forever.

You look amazing. Thank you, I. ..

Oh, no, we aren't. .. Uh, what? I mean, honey bunches, I thought we weren't going to tell anyone we were dating.

Remember that long conversation we had about tonight and how you were totally transparent with me about what we were going to tell people? So we'd be on the same page? Yes, Aunt Dottie, so serendipitous.

Is he treating me well? Well, actually, he. ..

Hey, asshole, what the heck was that? Yeah, I said asshole. I'm not taking any chances in this crowd.

I only like being spanked during sex. Pretend I didn't say that. Why the fork did you tell Aunt Dottie we were together? You know every nana, auntie, and granny in this building is going to hear about this before the first course.

Is she trying to set you up with someone's daughter or something? And you think lying to the collective matriarchy is easier than just saying no thank you to a few hopeful wannabe mother-in-laws? And also tell me how you're going to stop Mama Bee from coming for you when she finds out you've been lying to your relatives.

You're planning to lie to her too? Oh, man. Do me a favor, when she uses her dark mama magic to read your soul or whatever and calls you out on your BS, make sure to tell her that I had nothing to do with this, and I strongly protest it, okay?

My God, you are so forked. This night is never going to forking end. I live here now.

This is my new life. Hmm? Yeah, I finished this class a while ago.

I'd love another. Maybe two? Red wine, please, and thank you.

Uncle Mike? Oh, thank God, I've missed you. Give me a hug.

Oh, how's my favorite of Perry's uncles? Are you kidding me? You're the only person here who I can say fuck in front of.

So what's new with you? Oh, uh, yeah. You heard about that, huh? Yeah, we're dating.

It was a surprise to me, too. Trust me. No.

No, I never hated him. Okay, this is embarrassing, so don't yap or I'll tell your wife you smoke pot. You hear me?