"Shhhhh!"💘

Transcript

What a lovely day that was, Mum and Dad's anniversary, spending it here with them, they're such a good laugh. It's been way too long since I've spent some decent time with them but, oh my goodness, I'm so tired. I knew you'd get on great.

You all have the same sense of humour for starters. Yeah, that was the first real chance I've had to tell you all the embarrassing stories about me that they remember. I should have seen that coming, but I didn't.

You had to go and ask them, didn't you? Mmm, I want a cuddle to make up for that. I've been scarred for life, you know.

Scarred, I tell you. I can't believe they told you about me literally pissing myself laughing in public. Well, when my mum swung that heavy bag over her shoulder, she tipped it like a domino, flat on her back.

It's still one of the funniest things I've ever seen. She wasn't hurt, she landed on the bag itself. Thank goodness.

But soon I fall over at a complete right angle. It's still the funniest thing I've ever seen. And yes, I go so hard I pee myself.

My karma was always instant. Anyway, goodnight baby. Thank you for everything.

It really has been a wonderful night. What? Do you mean it's not over yet? You having a laugh? Maybe as much as I would love to fuck your brains out right now.

A. I'm knackered, so you would have to be doing all said fucking. B.

My mum and dad are in the next room and these walls are paper thin, you know that? We've been married for a year, of course I won't care, but it's not what I want them laughing about around the breakfast table first thing in the morning either. Oh god, they still go at it like bunnies, I really really hope they decide not to.

Fuck I didn't think this through. It's their anniversary, they're bound to. And I won't be able to keep a straight face in the morning if they do.

It doesn't matter how old I am, I'm still their fucking child and no kid wants to hear their parents doing the do. Sleep time. I'm so tired.

Oh what the fuck, you haven't put your finger down my throat, cos I can't get quiet you prick. That's very unfair of you. You know what your kisses do to me.

Oh no, that's just cheating going on my neck. Behave. Oh my god, this is bringing back memories of sneaking you in at night when I lived here with them.

And we got cold, remember? What do you mean we've had more practice since then? I can count on one hand the amount of times we did it and had to be quiet, and that's hardly practice.

You're such a tart, fuck off. What? Oh no, that's definitely cheating.

I can't get my hand on my nose, no it's no good, cos it's got these little controls. Oh really? You think you can? By pressing harder? Oh well I'm sure that my passing out might work but it won't be much fun for me.

Not that hard. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck you. It's also fucking horny you make me that way anyway without all the added bonuses. Oh my gosh.

Okay, but if either of us makes a sound loud enough for them to hear, I'm holding you totally responsible. And I'll change the subject at breakfast by telling them that it was you that did that rancid fart and I'm not the dog. I know it was the dog but they don't know that.

Fuck. It's cos it's quiet too. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

You fucking pinched my nose. Oh, God. They can hear us.

I told you to. .. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing.

Wait. They're not knocking, are they? It's their freaking headboard.

Oh, my God. I don't want to hear this. Put that pillow over my fucking head and kill me now.

Oh, now you don't want to knock me out. And put the TV on or something. Huh? I've got a better idea.

What? To climb out the window like we used to. Oh, why, baby? You want to sneak off and have sex somewhere else? Well, I'm wide awake now and I can't sleep with that going on.

You're on. Get chased. Fast.

You ready? Yeah.