Seeing the Big Picture

Transcript

Yeah. I'm in here. Yeah, I just got back.

Well, come in. Don't just stand in the doorway. You won't break me by entering the room.

Oh, balloons. Yay. That's going to make it better that I'm here.

Awesome. Thanks. Sorry.

Sorry. No, they're they're nice. Thank you.

It's been a tough day. Mm hmm. No, no, you don't.

You don't have to leave. I'm just I literally just got back from physio. Yeah.

Not great news. As you can probably tell by my attitude, they're going to send the counselor by to see me later about how I'm coping with all of this probably should have been done weeks ago. But, you know, here we are.

Anyway, how have you been? Don't look at me like that. No, no, no.

I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about something other than this place and doctors and nurses and stupid exercises that make me cry and nightmares that keep me up at night and the fact that I need two more stupid surgeries before I can even attempt to get out of this place. So, yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

I want to talk about you. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, the nightmares aren't getting better. Even with the sleeping pills, it's not getting better. I can still hear the impact of the car.

I can still see the glass shattering. I can feel the door crushing in on me before I didn't feel anything else at all. They've given me these pills, but all they do is make it harder to wake up when they happen.

So I'm stuck, screaming, and nobody can hear me. Nobody can get to me, and I can't get out. And suddenly I feel like I'm underwater, like the car is in the water, like in the ocean or something, and I'm drowning and I can't breathe and I can't break to the surface because I can't move.

And I can't actually scream because there's no air. I've asked not to have the pills anymore until I can get the nightmares under control because I need to be able to wake up when they happen. But yeah, that's what's going on.

I'm not sleeping. And I did say that. Two more surgeries.

Yeah. The pin placement in my hip is not right. Somehow, I don't, I kind of zoned out when they said two more surgeries.

My parents heard the whole thing. My mom started crying and my dad got mad and the whole thing broke down again because that's just what happens here. And yeah, two more.

And then they'll reevaluate. So I'm never going to be able to go back to track, to running, to volleyball, to basketball, to any of the things that I used to do. They tell me eventually I will, but they're full of shit.

They've been telling me for weeks that eventually I'll get out of here and it'll heal and I'll feel better. And they're so full of shit. All they do is add exercises that hurt more and drugs that make my head foggier.

If I don't, if I don't walk out of here with a drug problem, I'll be surprised. Let's just put it that way. Sorry, this isn't what you came here for.

What do you mean? Actually it is. You came here to watch me fall apart and turn into blubbering, whiny baby.

Great. I think that says more about you than me. No, no, they stopped coming after the first two weeks.

The only people that come now are my parents and you. Well, there's lots coming up, right? Graduation.

Figuring out whether they're going to grad school, getting jobs. There's a lot going on. So I don't blame them for having lives, right? My entire life changed in one night.

Theirs didn't. And I don't expect them to act like it did. And I don't expect them to act like it did.

So I'm just tired. It's getting harder to be okay, you know? It is.

It's okay to not be okay. Yeah, my mom tells me that, but that's not who I am. I'm always the one who's been okay.

Who makes sure everybody else is okay. And I can't. I can't.

Oh, great. Waterworks. Again.

It's probably the 20th time today. At first, it was like, okay, we just have to do this, this difficult thing. And then the payoff will be that I get my life back, right? And then one difficult thing turned into two difficult things turned into seven difficult things.

And now they just keep adding to the pile. And getting my life back gets further and further and further away. And I don't feel like me.

I don't feel like anything is going to be okay ever again. Because it's not. It's not.

And when you're stuck in a room like this, 24-7, and you can't leave, and you can't get to the bathroom by yourself, and you can't bathe yourself, and you can't even brush your teeth by yourself, it gets pretty bleak. And I want to hold on to the positive, but the list of positives is getting smaller by the day. Yeah? Yeah, that is something you can help me with.

Let's make a list of positives, because I can't take any more crap. Yeah? Yeah, that is something you can help me with.

Let's make a list of positives, because I can't take any more crap. Okay, okay. What makes me feel better? You know, the other day, I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, because it's pretty much all I do now.

And I started thinking about my medical school applications, just out of the blue. I'll probably have to repeat my year to get what I need to graduate, to even be able to apply, but but I was thinking about what I would do if I didn't have my medical school applications. And then I thought, why would I want to spend any more time on my medical school applications? I mean, I'm not saying that I don't want to spend any more time on my medical school applications, but I'm not saying that I don't want to spend any more time on my medical school applications.

And then I thought, why would I want to spend any more time in hospitals after this? Why? If I never see another hospital again at this point, it'll be too soon.

So that's a dream that's been just shattered completely. How do you mean? How would this make it stronger? I don't, I don't see that.

Explain. Yeah, I have a lot of doctors. Doctors and nurses and physiotherapists and surgeons.

Well, when I get my life back, it'll be because of them. Yes, you're right. I didn't think of it that way.

It will be my way of giving back. I could be the one to give somebody else their life back. As a doctor, as a surgeon, which is what I wanted to be.

I didn't think of it that way. That just means I need to get better because I have, I have things I want to do. I have goals to achieve.

I have, I have a life to live. And maybe I can help somebody like me not feel like this. Maybe I can figure out ways to speed the healing process or operate differently or have some new innovation.

Isn't that what they do? I didn't think of it that way. No, you're right.

You're, you're completely right. I've been so bogged down by my own crap that I didn't think about the opportunity, which isn't like me. I'll be able to know how my patients feel and I'll be able to help them through it so much better.

It'll make me a better doctor. Having gone through this, that does make me feel better. It does.

You're right. You're right. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself instead of seeing the opportunity.

I know. I know you're not telling me to feel any differently than I feel, but you're also reminding me of who I actually am and how I view the world, which is something I've kind of lost lately. Why are you always right about everything? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I'll give you that.

You do just know how I think. That's, that's fair. You're not going to let me wallow, are you? No.

Well, I guess even when things are at their crappiest, that's what best friends are for. I'm not going to let you down. Sighing That's what best friends are for.