Sad Movie Night With Your Bestie (Spoiler Alert: The Shero Cries)

Transcript

Hey there. Of course I'm on time. I'm always on time.

Can you grab this bag for me? Thank you. So, I have pizza, I have salad, I have beer.

Uh uh. Show me the cake. I want proof of actual dessert.

My dude, last time you were in charge of dessert, you served me fruit on a stick. Fuck you and your drizzle. The chocolate to fruit ratio was completely fucked.

I did not consent to participate in your damn health kink. Actually, this pizza doesn't have a cauliflower crust or grass-fed meat or free-range cheese, so maybe this should just be for me. That a boy.

Now, open the bakery box. Nope. I've been hurt before.

I need to see it. Oh, thank God. Can you grab some plates and napkins? You know you don't need to eat all that damn health food all the time anyway.

Whatever. I've seen your workout status pop up on my iWatch. You're active as fuck.

And you look fine. No, I mean good. But I said you look.

.. So, what are we watching? I mean, I obviously have some thoughts, but it's your turn to pick, so pick something good.

Well, if it were up to me, which it is not, I'd probably suggest Freaky. We saw the trailer. It's that comedic horror about the serial killer that trades places with the bullied teenage girl.

Yeah, Vince Vaughn plays the serial killer. Ah, it's a comedic horror, like a Simon Pegg movie. Oh my God, you're such a baby.

There's like one scene that's a little gross, but it's so fucking funny. If you want, I'll even warn you when the gory parts are about to come up so you can cover your eyes. You can even do the hide-my-face-in-my-friends-shoulder trope if you want.

I'm not going to make fun of you. I jump scare just as much as you do. You remember when we watched Benny Loves You? Okay, I don't know how many times.

I have to apologize for that. It was an involuntary flinch. At least the bruise was on your arm.

And hey, I kissed it better, didn't I? Okay, then what do you want to watch? Is that the one with the actor from the nerd show you like so much? No, I've heard it's great and it's awesome that there are more LGBTQA movies being made, but that's what you're in the mood for?

I know, and I very much appreciate you not choosing a sappy rom-com or a juvenile potty humor movie, but isn't that one kind of sad? I mean, it literally says in the title that the hero dies. But it's different when it's like an action movie or something.

I don't know. They die faster and more righteously, I guess. Oh, please.

I'm sensitive, says Mr. I-can't-watch-a-movie-if-an-animal-gets-hurt. It's not like I like it when they get hurt.

It just. ..you know it's not real, right? No, it's fine.

Just eat and watch the fucking movie. What? What? No.

I'm not crying. I know there's nothing wrong with crying. I'm just not crying.

Hmm? Oh, I'm fine. Whoa, I gotta pee.

Hey, you didn't have to pause it. No, it's good. It's nice to see that guy in a more serious role.

You know, glad he won't be stuck playing a socially awkward nerd for the rest of his life. Seriously, I'm fine. Yeah, my allergies are just, ugh, acting up a bit.

I took a pill. What? Oh, starting to regret your life choices? Of course, babe.

I can give you a hug. Sure. Yes, it is sad as fuck.

That's why I don't consider these types of movies as fun Friday entertainment. Yes, we can finish it. If you're up for it.

Do you need a box of Kleenex or a therapy dog or something? You want me to cuddle you? Sure.

You know, since this movie is really bumming you out, are you sure you want to finish it? We can put on something funny and stupid instead. Wait, where are you going? Where are you going? Am I even cuddling you if I'm the little spoon? Yeah, sure.

Whenever you need. Okay, what's that? Oh, I get to hold the Kleenex.

Okay, well, glad I have an important job. Yes, I'm ready. Let's get this over with.

I'll just get one ready to go for you in case you need it. Ugh, stupid allergies. Sorry.

You're a really good snuggler. Yeah, yeah, I'll admit it. Shut up.

I never said I disliked snuggling. I just don't usually get an opportunity to get this close to anyone. Yeah.

I never said I disliked snuggling. I just don't usually get an opportunity to get this close to anyone. Yeah, you've met my family.

Stoic German mom, ex-military dad from the South. We weren't exactly touchy-feely growing up. Oh, it's okay.

I mean, I turned out fine, right? Come on, let's just finish this. Here, take some more Kleenex, because this poor bastard is still clinging to life, and we all know what's fucking coming.

Fuck. Fuck. Okay, I feel like I just left a two-hour-long funeral.

That was fun. No, it was good. It was just really fucking sad.

You know what? Fuck it. I will take a hug.

Just one second. Let me flip around. This side is fun to hold on to, too.

I said you're a good hugger, too. What? No, I wasn't.

I probably just dripped on my face or something while you were crying. I was not crying. I just think my allergies were acting up, and.

.. Duh. Fuck me.

Okay, fine. I was. Yeah, laugh it up.

Go on. I know. I know you wouldn't.

It's just. .. embarrassing, okay? Grown-ass woman crying like a baby at a sad movie.

Such a cliche. No, pretty soon I'm going to be crying during commercials, and then infomercials, and. ..

then I'll literally just become a weepy Lifetime Original Mess. Oh, shut up. You're just being sweet as per usual.

Ugh, I'm sure this is so attractive, huh? So badass. Excuse me? Say again? I'm sorry, but that's not a thing.

Seriously. You like me crying? That's.

.. kind of fucked up. Right? Is that like a kink thing? Come on.

Of course I feel deep emotions. Jesus, that's a weird-ass thing to say. No one likes being vulnerable.

Unless they're just looking for attention. It's the truth. I'm sorry, but grown-ups should be able to handle their own shit.

The real world isn't going to sit around and wait for you to finish having a meltdown, so why indulge it? I know, and I'm very lucky to have a friend willing to help me handle my shit. You shouldn't have to, though.

But hey, at least it's just costing you some Kleenex, right? Could be worse. Hey.

Where's my emotional support guy going? Uh. ..

Hey, um. .. Are you my weighted blanket now? No, no.

Lay on me all you want. Do I mind? Oh.

Oh. No, no worries. I'm sure that always happens when you watch sad movies and then get snuggle-bombed by a close friend.

What? Well, that's a dumb question. Of course I do.

Come on. You know I like you. I'm here, aren't I? All the fucking time? I am being honest and open.

I literally just said the words. I'm not being vague. I just said.

.. God, this fucking night. Fine, you're my best friend.

My everything. Literally the only person who has ever seen me cry as an adult. How's that? I wouldn't say it was hard.

I mean, okay, I fought all the touchy-feelys at first, but all the emotional battery kind of broke the dam. Are you happy now? You got me to be all smooshy? Smooshy? Why are you smiling? You little shit.

No, I'm not mad you did it. I'm kind of mad it worked. Is that why you picked that fucking devastatingly sad movie that will haunt my dreams when I'm all alone in bed tonight?

You're gonna feel horrible if I drown in my own tears, you know? I think I may need another snuggle before I go home. A really long one.

See, you laying on my chest is very soothing. Therapeutic, even. I'd be down to watch slightly sad movies more often if I could get this every time.

Yes, even with that poking me in the thigh, I don't mind. I know, I trust you. I promise I won't hold back any of my feels out of sheer stubbornness anymore, okay? Well, how the hell am I supposed to prove that? I don't know, that's why I asked.

I'm not playing dumb, I am dumb. What feels am I supposedly suppressing here? Oh, you do, huh? So you think you know what I'm feeling? I highly fucking doubt that.

Bet? Bet what? Are we 12? You know, it's hard to argue with someone pinning you down on a couch and staring a hole through your face.

Say what, for fuck's sake? I'm not holding anything back, you're holding me down. Get out of my face.

Just get out of my face. Fine. Fine.

Well, how's that for making you? Shit, I'm sorry. Was that okay? I should have asked for consent or permission or something, that was a little rapey, so.

.. Okay. Well, that's good to know.

So, can I maybe try again without the juvenile bet hanging over my head this time? Okay. No, I promise I'm not just doing this because of the damn movie.

Yeah, believe it or not, tragic human suffering and death isn't a big turn-on for me. I really hope it's not for you, considering how you're biting your way down my neck. No, I've liked you for a really fucking long time, I was just too chicken shit to take a shot and maybe have it miss, or worse, backfire.

The cuddling may have done it. All that heavy breathing on the back of my neck definitely didn't fucking hurt. Feeling your cock grind against my ass? And your hands squeezing me really, really didn't hurt.

Yeah, we're more brave than I was, that's for fucking sure. Okay. Your shirt needs to come off.

Yeah, now, right fucking now. Yeah, I can take mine off too. Hey, I.

.. Easy, don't take my damn head off with the shirt. Hey, I actually wore this tight-ass shirt for you, so don't.

.. Fuck! Damn boy, how many hands do you have? See, that's why I love leggings, they come off super easily and make my ass look fantastic.

Of course I'm not wearing panties, that ruins the line of my yoga pants. I love these fucking skinny jeans. On you and especially.

.. Off. Oops.

Looks like your underwear got pulled off too. Sorry.