❤️ 😚 💋 Pretend You’re My Boyfriend 💋 😚 ❤️ (F4M) (Friends to Lovers) (A Creep Won’t Leave Me Alone) (Kiss Me)

Transcript

And where exactly have you been? You okay? Oh dear.

Someone's looking a bit pasty? Did you have too many? Then why do you look green in the gills and like you're about to cry? Oh, my sweet summer child.

Is it that time? That time in the evening when we come outside and we feel sad? Oh, alcohol is a very interesting drug.

We take it to feel happy and then often it's like, fuck you, you will feel sad. Oh, sweetheart. I know.

I'm sorry to say I am from Yorkshire and so my capacity to lend you some sympathy is limited. Instead, may I offer you some tough love in these trying times? Very good.

You, my little munchkin, my little munchkin, are going to be fine. Yes, I can see. It's going to be okay.

No, it is, I promise. Because we've been here before. I've known you since we were babies.

You have been drunk many times with me. Everything's going to be okay. I swear on the original Dragon Ball series, everything's going to be fine.

Mm-hmm. It's a very big promise. Do you think I make these promises lightly? No.

So trust me when I say you are going to be fine. Oh, because you're just a neurotic ball of fineness. I don't know.

I don't know, but somehow you always are fine and that doesn't mean that you don't get sad or depressed or disheartened. It just means you will be okay. Because you're a tough, badass, bitch, bastard, whatever you want to be, you are a survivor.

I have seen you. I have seen you survive heartbreak and disappointment and job rejection and terrible days at the gym. You will survive.

Well, if you can survive all that, you can survive feeling a little bit sad on a night out. Mm-hmm. I believe in you.

Because why the hell would I be friends with you if I didn't believe in you? I see you. I see you.

You, you self-deprecating little munchkin with your whole, oh, I don't even know why you're friends with me, stop. Stop. Stop it right now.

This spiral where you just let your mind go down and down and down and you're like, oh my god, I'm not even nice. It's like, shut up. Shut up.

You are not nice. You are kind. Because nice is all about what people can see.

Kind is about what people can feel. And I feel you, motherfucker. I feel the kindness.

So stop being so determined to be the evil villain that's so shit and dragging everyone down because I'm not having it. Why would I waste my time? Why would I sit here and just say things just to say them? I can much more easily be at home wasting my life on Instagram.

And I'd be getting the dopamine too. No, the point is, stop being silly. You are the silliest billy that ever billied.

Mm-hmm. You're a silly billy billy boy. And I love you very much.

Because you're my teddy bear. My neurotic, slightly depressed teddy bear. And I wouldn't change you.

I would like you to be happier occasionally, but that's not really a character flaw, it's just. .. That's what I'd like for you.

Because somehow, someway, I love you. I don't know, why do I love Cornflakes? Why do I love.

.. The House of the Dragon, because it's amazing. Why do I love.

.. Anything. Because I do.

Tch. Oh no, not that grandiose apologies now. Stop it.

This sinking pit that you have about yourself where you're like, I'm so shit, no one's ever going to love me. Look at me. Look.

With your eyes. Listen to what I'm saying. I love you.

Okay? And that is worthwhile, so stop shitting on yourself. Because how you feel about yourself doesn't just affect you.

Surprise, surprise. Because you're talking shit about someone I love. Shockingly, I'm going to take umbrage.

Mm-hmm. It's almost like I like you. I will defend you from you.

Because you are your biggest bully. Excuse me? I have never seen anybody bully themselves the way you do.

If you spoke to other people the way you spoke about yourself, we would not be friends. Not for a second. So can you understand why sometimes I find it really difficult when you're horrible to yourself? Because I love you.

And I want you to love you. News flash, asshole. You're worth loving.

Oh. Come here. You are going to be fine.

You are going to be sad. You are going to self-doubt. You are going to hate yourself occasionally.

But you will survive. Not only will you survive, you will thrive. Yes, I say so.

I happen to be a very good judge of character. I'll have you know. Mm.

I can sort the neurotics from the narcissists. Mm-hmm. Shallow charm? No, thank you.

Awkward but genuinely kind? Yes, please. Mother in Christ, stop saying sorry or I will do nothing negative because I wouldn't want to do anything negative to you.

But I will be cross. I will be very, very cross. Look how cross I am.

I'm such a mess. You, with how you see yourself and how you talk to yourself and treat yourself and then you wonder why you're depressed. How we view ourselves matters, motherfucker.

Absolutely it does. Uh, yes it does. Excuse me, who is the one who stays up all night reading psychology articles? Moi.

So moi would know. Okay, let's try this route. Do you value me as a human being? Do you value our friendship? Do you think I am the cutest patootie that ever tooted? Right.

Well, as a personal favour to me, try to stop being such an arsehole to yourself. I guess it would make me very happy and I know why you love to make me happy. Oh, you're such a cute arsehole.

But one day all this yammering in your ear will pay off and you'll say thank you so much, my good friend. You have been right all along. And I will say I know.

And you'll say no, you really did understand it and I'll say I know. I know. Never doubt me.

Oh, God. It's that person. That person that wouldn't leave me alone inside, so let's just keep our heads down and keep calm.

He just said hey, what should I say? Oh, he's coming over. Head down, head down, head down.

Hold my hand. Cassie's a strange man and I'm scared of strange men. Hiya.

Yeah, we're alright, thank you. No, we'll probably go home soon. Please pretend to be my boyfriend, it's the only way these people listen.

Thank you. Oh, I'm really sorry. This is actually my boyfriend.

I see we're going that route. Yes, he is. No, he very much is and you're being very insistent and rude and strange.

Surprise, surprise, my gut instinct was right. Okay, well that's fucking rude and you need to leave now. Whether I have a boyfriend or not, I am not interested, so please go away.

Oh, Jesus Christ, and people don't believe us when we say this happens to us when we go out. Please go away. Is it because you're making me extremely uncomfortable and I don't wish for this to continue? Do you know what, I.

.. What are you doing? Oh, carry on.

Look, I've told you, my boyfriend's told you, please go away. Oh, dear God, what do you want us to do, have sex in front of you? Oh, why didn't you say so, if that makes you fuck off.

Come here, you. You get it now? Oh, shocker, the only way a man leaves a woman alone is if he sees her with another man, fuck off.

Wanker. Oh, I'm not even that pretty, well guess what, you are that creepy. Oh, now I feel all gross.

Not from kissing you, from him. This is the thing, people don't believe us, they go, don't be ridiculous, if you say no, people will leave you alone. What's the point? What was that then? Fucking people.

Creepypastas. And now we interrupted our philosophical rant. Asshole.

Don't worry about sticking my tongue down your throat, I just really wanted him to understand, no, fuck off. What? I kiss good, you flatterer.

Tell me more. Are you kidding, tell me, I haven't kissed anybody in ages, I thought I'd be rusty. Oh, you do know how to make me happy, thank you.

I feel all smug. Are you not glad yourself? I never lie.

Cause one, it's exhausting, and two, it's part of a generational curse called female people pleasing, and I just don't. .. No ma'am, no thank you, no way.

Cause life's too short to be a pleasing parrot when you could be a multifaceted mess like me. I love you too. Is this just because I'm a good kisser? You know what? Valid.

You're smiling, it's so nice. And all it took was a creep. I know, I know, it wasn't the creep, it was the kiss.

Clearly my sex appeal is working on you finally and we will become the couple we were always supposed to become. I'm half joking. So that kind of means I'm half serious, yes? Well, in the words of my mother, stop being a dick and get on with it.

And now for a rare moment of cringy vulnerability. So, I don't know about you but I feel like we've been dancing around the will they won't they friendship romance line for a couple of years and we've just kind of sidestepped it cause we both fear change. But that's just my experience so don't let me speak for you.

And maybe sometimes it just takes a horrible irritating influence to make you realize life's short and you should just kiss. But again, absolutely no pressure, just floating it out there. I don't think I would have risked embarrassment if I wasn't serious, so.

I'm as serious as a drunk girl on a night out. So that's pretty serious. Uh, yes, absolutely I want to go home with you.

I think I've wanted to go home with you for years, but um. Better late than never. Okay, let's do it.

Don't be ridiculous, life's too short to think about consequences and potential loss of friendship. Let's go!