Oh Captain, Speech Captain

Transcript

Okay. Okay. Hey.

Settle down, guys. All right. I know it's the start of a new school year and everyone's excited, but we have a lot of info to cover for our newest members, and I don't want to lose my voice yelling over all of you, okay?

Our first competition's in a month, so let's focus up. So, first of all, welcome back to our returning members. Hope you all had a great summer and all of that other shit.

For anyone here for the first time, we are the Springfield Speakers, and we have been the top-ranked national collegiate speech team for the past five years, and we intend to keep that title for the entirety of human existence. So, no pressure, but for many of us, myself included, our scholarships and future job prospects write on how this team ranks, so if you came here hoping to get over your fear of public speaking or to argue with people, you need to leave this room and go sign up for Professor Turpin's Intro to Public Speaking. Okay? Okay.

I have, in my hand, our overview of the different types of events we compete in as well as the guides for both materials and delivery. We meet weekly during competition season and have this room reserved for practices 12 hours a day. New members, you have to be observed and evaluated by at least three veteran members before you'll be allowed to enter an event.

All new members are encouraged to attend next month's competition and observe the events they're considering competing in so you get an idea of what is expected at the collegiate level. This isn't high school. You can't just snag a scene from your favorite CW teen drama and call it pros.

Okay. Veteran members, let's huddle and start planning for next month. Please take this time to read over your manual and jot down ideas for content.

We'll all get back together in the last ten minutes for some Q&A. Hey there. You're new.

Nah. I just have a good memory for handsome faces. What can I do for you? Okay.

Great. The first is actually my strongest event so I can help you prep for that one and I can refer you to our resident extemporaneous speaking wiz. Do you have some material in mind for pros? I'll stop you right there.

Nothing you did in high school is going to fly at this level. I'm not trying to be an asshole but it's the truth. We used to let freshies try and learn from the crushing defeat of their own poor decisions but our ranking is too important.

You're going to have to pick something else. Did you read the guidelines I handed out? I'm a senior.

Been doing this since I got here. Did it all four years of high school. Trust me when I say this is recently updated and extremely accurate.

Well, you need the sign off of three members to be eligible to compete. Feel free to pick anyone you want and present whatever you feel is your strongest contender. If you decide you want my help, my email is in the packet.

Why do all the cute ones have to be fucking know-it-alls? Hey, Mateo. Wow, you've got a good group this year.

Poor bastards. How goes the extent prep? What's even the topic this year? Fuck.

Have fun with that. Any of these newbies look promising? Oh, I was wondering about that one.

No, his performance resume was impressive but he's got a hell of an attitude. Yep, some small town high school teacher told him the sun shines out of his ass so he doesn't see why he needs to change up his material. We get at least one every year.

Yeah, I figured he was well-spoken. How's his research? Great.

At least we have one more body to throw at the mind-numbing beast that is extent. I'm sorry, dude. That shit is boring as hell.

I'd rather read Shakespeare in a Cookie Monster voice than debate current events with a bunch of comm majors cosplaying as political scientists. Hey, my oral interpretation is the best. Everyone says so.

Hey there. Congrats on clearing extemp. That's a tough category.

How goes prose? Sorry to hear it. I'm sure that must be frustrating.

Did I say I told you so? Don't put words in my face, freshman. I assume you came to see me for a reason.

I told you, I'm the top speaker for that event nationally. I wasn't dick-waving. The rankings are public knowledge.

I'm happy that you're passionate enough about competing that you've brushed that huge chip off your shoulder and come to me. But you do know the first thing I'm going to tell you, right? Yep, that old high school shit has got to go.

I'm sorry, but if you want to win and you want to keep that scholarship, you need to produce something that the judges respond to. If you can make it something you love as well, you've officially won. Consider it a personal challenge.

Once I was able to do both, I never came in second again. So it's totally doable. You just need to get that small town stick out of your ass.

I'm not dissing small towns. I'm from a small town. They can be an amazing place to grow up, but the world we live in is so much bigger and so much more diverse and that's what you need to discover.

Find something that renders you speechless and then speak to it. Eloquently, of course. You know, speak good and shit.

Look, you need electives, right? Okay. Take my advice.

Bulk up on as many literature classes as you can. We have some fucking brilliant professors here. Lit is more than just old white British and American dudes.

Just don't appropriate anyone else's culture, okay? Like no fake accents or. ..

I'm sorry. I stopped assuming things a long fucking time ago. Do you watch the news? Okay, then.

Meet me here next week. Stop. Just stop.

What's not wrong? Your pacing is too fast, your delivery is stilted like porn actors stilted. If you're going to do dialogue, you need to think about how the character would actually say the lines as a human being.

The piece is great. Perfect material for this event. Existential as all fuck.

But you hate it. Because I know you're an excellent speaker. Everyone you've auditioned for has said so.

So the only reason you're biffing this is because your heart isn't in it. You have to find something you connect with. Me? I'm doing a scene from one of my favorite childhood books.

It was written in the 70s. So it has enough adult themes not to come off as a storytime piece. And it's old enough that some of the judges will get some good nostalgia vibes and no one else should be performing it.

Sure. Think back to your childhood. Just don't pull a Barney monologue out of your ass for fuck's sake.

Let's meet back next week. Hey, you're competing in Extemp at this week's tournament, right? Sweet.

Extemp is in the late block and prose is in the first block so you can watch if you want. It would give you a better idea of the competition. Freshmen, if you want to watch me, feel free.

I have been mortal. And some part of me is mortal yet. I am full of tears and hunger and the fear of death, although I cannot weep.

And I want nothing. And I cannot die. I am not like the others now.

For no unicorn was ever born who could regret. But I do. I regret.

Hey, congratulations on third place freshmen. Extemp is a rough event, especially for your first year. Yeah, I saw you sneak in.

So what'd you think? Thanks. I really love that story.

You can totally do it. I've been doing this for almost eight years, and I'm doing a story I know backwards and forwards and really love. You just need the right piece and some practice.

Like, a fair amount of practice. Yes, of course I'll help you. But you're buying dinner.

Give me a second. I'm thinking of how I want to say this. Calm your tits, freshmen, and stop scowling.

You're going to give yourself wrinkles. That was awesome. Yes, I'm serious.

Your delivery was amazing and the piece is perfect. You're going to be representing us at next month's tournament. Along with me, of course.

No, really. Intersplicing clips of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood with a biography of Fred Rogers was genius.

It's nostalgic and heartwarming without being too childish, and your physical acting when switching between fiction and fact is subtle but really effective. I do have some suggestions for your transitions and a few delivery notes, but you've got a solid piece here, freshmen. Absolutely.

I normally practice every night the week before a tournament. You're welcome to join me. FYI, I like Hawaiian pizza and Diet Coke.

Take that information however you want to. I am splitting my attention for you, so a little ass-kissing might be in order. Stop pacing.

You're making me dizzy. I told you, you've practiced enough. Now is the time to chill out and just let it marinate in your brain.

Hand me another slice, freshmen. Dude, you need to chill the fuck out. Go have a drink.

No, that's right. Too young for a drink. You know, when I'm all stressed out and pent up, I find that getting laid usually helps.

What? Are you the only person on this campus who isn't on the apps already? No.

You don't want to get laid? Are you ace or something? Ace? Asexual? Okay.

So as a straight dude, you aren't really hurting for options here. So then what's the issue? It's not like you're shy about expressing your thoughts and feelings.

Oh. So you're a virgin. Are you saving yourself for something or someone? How much have you done? Like, what sexual acts? Without the baseball euphemisms, please.

You're a grown-ass man. Just say it. Okay.

So you've had a handjob. Have you ever fingered or gone down on anyone? Did she come? Trust me, you'd know.

But don't worry. Each woman's different, so you're better off asking what they like and checking in frequently than assuming one set of moves is going to work for you every time. So, you just need to find a partner then.

Have you not met a single woman since you started that you're attracted to? Well, how do you know if you don't ask? She might just surprise you.

I don't think I've ever seen you speechless, freshman. Hey. Look at me.

Just ask. Come here. Have a seat.

I'm going to undo your pants, okay? What does it look like I'm doing? Lesson one, freshman.

When a woman is kneeling at your feet and asking permission to pull your pants down, chances are good you're being offered a blowjob. Is that okay? Atta boy.

How does it feel? Put your hands in my hair. I'm going to stop moving here in a second and you take over, okay? Just move my head and your hips any way you like.

I'm not going to break, freshman. Just give me a heads up when you're close so I'm not surprised, okay? All right.

Go ahead. What? Okay.

Go ahead. You can come. We're not having sex tonight.

Hey, if you still want me to deflower you after the tournament, I'll be down, but tonight you're just getting a release. So you need to come for me, freshman. Come for me.

Good boy. Come here. There.

You feel better? You're going to kill it tomorrow, do you understand? Now, go get some sleep.

Holy shit, freshman. Second place in extemp? Mateo needs to watch his ass next semester.

Way to fucking represent. How did you feel about pros? Weirdly enough, it being a blur is usually a good sign.

I don't think I remember most of my first year, to be honest. Hey, okay. Here we go.

Okay. Third place. Yeah, I saw her.

I think your piece is better. Oh my god! Second fucking place, freshman! Go! Go! Go get your damn trophy! And.

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