Now Hiring Minions [M4A] [Supervillain] [Interview] [Surprisingly Pleasant]

Transcript

Yeah, come in Yes, well, come in, don't just stand in the doorway What's the matter, Starstruck? Hmm? Oh, the, uh, well, yes, I thought it was appropriate to wear the costume It is my work uniform, after all This, uh, isn't exactly the kind of work environment that screams business casual What do you, um, well, um, before we talk any further, just come in and sit down You're going to drive me crazy standing there with your mouth open And, um, if you could try to keep up a professional demeanor, it would make this interview go so much smoother for you The, uh, white-eyed stare isn't giving me the best impression Better Now, uh, what were you saying?

Oh, well, yes, of course I'm the real Mad Mystic Wasn't I who you were expecting? Did, um, did they not tell you which supervillain you were applying to work for? Really? Oh, you're joking You didn't? I knew that agency was a joke But how could any employment agency fail to mention something as important as the job they're lining you up for?

Especially if the job is minion to a supervillain Unbelievable That certainly makes this all, uh, interesting Well, um, what do you think? Would you like to continue this interview? This, um, well, this might hurt your chances a little bit, seeing as you weren't really planning on breaking into the industry, but it doesn't disqualify you at all Well then, let's see where this goes, shall we?

Who knows, you might be able to bring a unique perspective to my lair Hmm, let's see, uh, well, some of these questions are probably unnecessary I'm sure you haven't had any experience in villainy, correct? Given how intimidated you look right now, I doubt you've ever been within a hundred feet of somebody like me Mm-hmm, thought so Ah, here's a good one. What does villainy mean to you? What do you picture a villain as? Hmm, not the traditional answer, but at least it's honest I slowly don't trust the people that try to tell me what they think I want to hear If I hear one more applicant say villains are the real heroes, I'll, uh, I'll toss them out the window, I really will Then, um, what about heroes?

What do you think of them? Perhaps a little too honest there But that's all right, uh, they do work hard to project that image, you'll, uh, you'll see what they're really like if you get the job Honestly, I'm not thrilled with the rest of the questions, they don't seem very relevant How about this then? What made you decide to continue the interview? Are you drawn to the idea of illegal activities or Scared of what I'll do? Yeah, that's reasonable, I suppose.

I've, uh, I've done everything I can to create a fearsome reputation After all, keeping a healthy fear of villains is a good trait in a minion Though, is it only fear that keeps you here? Or are you in any way intrigued by the idea of working on the other side of the law? It can be very freeing, you know Actually, you're more qualified than you probably think There's a reason I set up this interview Your resume is unorthodox for a prospective minion, but not bad at all I could see you doing well under my employ Oh, absolutely, it seems you've been jumping between very different kind of jobs For, uh, many employers, that's a red flag, but it's promising in this context Being a minion demands a broad skill set and the ability to adapt quickly And, uh, turnover for minions is usually very high So, short tenures at jobs isn't anything unusual in this industry Though, I do personally try to keep employee retention higher And, not to mention, these past positions are honestly perfect As an administrative assistant, you would have learned to manage your employer's affairs and anticipate their needs Your stint as a warehouse worker shows you're capable of physical labor Very important, this, uh, line of work And having been in customer service means you're used to the job To dealing with hostile enemies Not, uh, not everyone can handle the mental stress of being hounded by police and superheroes Yes, uh, well, that is the major occupational hazard of being minion But it's perhaps not quite as risky as you might think Minions are usually treated quite leniently by the law At least, uh, at least in this part of the world Well, you see, minions are helpful to villains, yes But they also bring us a bit of risk Bumbling minion can accidentally reveal the location of a secret hideout Or mess up an otherwise perfect master plan So the legal system tries to, uh, drive unsuccessful criminals to minion work By offering light sentences and rehabilitation programs when they're caught Oh, and of course there's always the heroes to worry about But the heroes in the city are usually more of the, uh, knockout gas and lasso throwing types Not the, um, beat you unconscious type So not too much to be afraid of there I myself am a bit more picky about who I hire, of course Nicknamed villains like me can't afford major screw-ups I hire quality minions And in return, I provide much better benefits Well, for starters, there's the pay Given your background, I can start you off in the high five figures Quite a bit more than what you would get working for most villains And with plenty of opportunities for raises Aside from that, you get four weeks vacation plus holidays Significant sick leave, um, hazard pay for dangerous tasks That's, uh, very important And a robust health plan Unfortunately, we can't pair up with any official insurance companies For, uh, obvious reasons But we do run our own internal insurance Oh, and we have a union too Or, uh, I think some of the minions call them gunion I do like to provide for my employees, yes But, uh, I do need to admit that half the reason for all that Is just to make rich capitalists squirm Do love watching them try to explain to people How an evil villain can treat their employees better than they can Oh, and there are a few unconventional perks as well Earning employee of the month entitles you to One re-rescue in case of arrest or capture Those are difficult to pull off, obviously So we can't just bust everyone out all the time And if you do an especially good job You can request resources for your own personal crimes Within reason, of course We learned that the hard way last time Oh, and of course you'll want to know about what your actual duties would be You'd start off working exclusively in the lair Performing maintenance on the doomsday devices Organizing stolen goods That, uh, that sort of things You can get promoted to accompanying me on heists before too long If you show promises You'll be provided with weapons and combat training in that event, naturally And, uh, just between you and me There's going to be an opening for my sidekick before too long The current one is retiring, and Somehow you strike me as a good fit That's a very lucrative position And actually quite a bit safer, too Thank you.