No Touch Diaries: Day 11-15

Transcript

Well, it is the morning of the 16th. I was up super late last night, like past 3am. And I was hanging out with a friend on stream, so I did not record because I was having a good ol' time.

And honestly, I wasn't going to have too much to report for this diary entry. We are well over halfway to finishing this No Touch Challenge, and while the first 10 days I was really struggling, like struggling so hard to keep my composure, after day 11 I kind of, uh, I kind of turned a corner and I went the opposite way, where I wasn't feeling much arousal at all, without, uh, seeking out any stimulation, and I wasn't, because I was busy, so things were pretty damn quiet, and it got me thinking about, um, it got me thinking about masturbation in general, like, personally, the reason that I am so okay with denying myself my primal urges is mostly because I was repressed for a really long time. I wasn't taught about masturbation as something that was good, or healthy, or normal.

It was always tied to porn addiction, or sex addiction, or sin. My parents didn't talk about it too much, um, but I grew up in the church, and my youth pastors always talked about it. You know, I feel like a lot of Christians are obsessed with sex in a way that people who aren't Christians usually aren't, like, if you really think about it, a lot of their doctrine centers around talking about not having sex, not cheating on your wives or husbands, you know, not enjoying it too much, or if you are enjoying it a lot, you know, oh, you probably need to stop, you know, that sort of shit, like, moderating pleasure.

It cannot be too pleasurable, because if it is, then you're putting it up there on a pedestal, and you're idolizing this feeling, but what's wrong with idolizing pleasure? It's one of the most amazing things that we can experience as humans. It doesn't have to be sexual pleasure, but isn't it thrilling how a single touch can fire up all the neurons in your brain and make you so alert and unfocused at the same time?

How you can feel that pulse of blood between your legs, and it is just so animal, so insistent that you can't ignore it, you can't look away, you can't deny that what you're feeling is so good. It makes you want to feel it more. It's natural.

We want to feel good. And in the right environment, alone or with the right person, I'm starting to learn that it's okay not to pull away. Once the pleasure gets high, once it reaches a crescendo, it doesn't mean it's time to pull back.

That's kind of how I used to do it all the time, is when it started feeling quote-unquote too good, I would stop, because when I was younger, I thought that it wasn't like super bad, it wasn't super sinful, as long as I didn't enjoy it too much, as long as I didn't do it for too long. I didn't have my first actual like full-length orgasm until I was in college, because I would always pull back when I felt that first big throb of pleasure, because I thought that was coming. I thought that was my orgasm.

So my first actual one was earth-shattering. It was so. ..

and I was like, oh that. .. oh, I didn't even know I could do that.

I was fine, and then this morning, I woke up and there was this voice note, and it was just this voice note of someone I know, and they just sent like a short like 30-second clip, and they were just desperate for me. They were calling out my name and begging. It was super late, so I think.

.. I think they were just thinking of me. I've never had that happen before, and I should preface for anyone who's listening, this person has my consent to do things like that.

Don't get any bright ideas if you don't know me like that, but because I know them, it was. .. And I woke up to see it just now, and so now, after like five days of not really feeling any stirrings down there, I am just.

.. I felt that pulse, and I felt. ..

I felt like, oh god, I'm like. .. I think the next five days are gonna be pretty difficult.

Yeah, they will. I only have one toy. I'm so sad about that.

Like, I really. .. It's a.

.. It's like, it's a vibrator, and it, you know, a rabbit. It's okay, but I've had it for the last six years.

I haven't bought any other toys, mostly because, you know, I don't. .. I don't actually masturbate that often compared to some, but that doesn't mean I don't want a little variety, you know?

So, I hope soon I'll be able to get one. Wouldn't it be so cool if I got one? Like, I don't know.

I have a throne. I don't really plug it on my Patreon because, you lovely people, if you're listening to this, you already are doing more than enough to support me. And my work that I'm sharing here, I don't think that's in good taste to also link to my throne here, but it would be so cool if someone got me one of the toys that was on my throne.

That would be so freaking cool if it happened before the challenge was over because I. .. Oh, and my sister moved in with me, like, almost two months ago, and so I'm trying to think to admit myself, like, okay, how am I gonna do this?

Because once the challenge is over, I am going to. .. I'm going to want to record it, but I'm also going to want to, you know, do stuff at normal times in my bed, not in my little closet where I record some of my things.

I have to think about it. I'm in bed right now. My cat, Talia, she is curled up against my shoulder.

She's so used to me just, like, talking into a mic, talking into my headphones. I don't know how, but she knows the difference between when I'm recording and when I'm talking on the phone with a person on the other end. But I digress.

I'm so pleased with myself for not giving up on this challenge. Oh, man. I'm just.

.. I'm so. ..

I'm, like, I wasn't needy at all, and now I am just. .. I'm a mess.

Like I said, I was staying away from videos and audios and all that good stuff the last couple days because that, like, day 7 to day 10 period was really difficult. It was feral. It was, I mean, a hands-free orgasm.

Really? Like, really? That meant that I was just.

.. And I felt like I was not cheating. I did not touch anything, but it felt like cheating because I got to come, and I didn't do it on purpose, but now I'm worried.

I'm like, oh, no, I don't want to, like. .. To somebody who's listening to this and who doesn't get it, this probably sounds so batshit, but I'm like, but I don't want to come in solidarity with all the other people doing this with me.

Once I hit 25 days, there were, like, two or three other people who messaged me and were like, oh, okay, I bet we'll do that too. And I was like, really? So at least there's.

.. I think there's, like, two for sure that are still in it. I know three others besides me that are still in it, and I talk about it on Twitter sometimes, and it is very fun to not do this alone, but I think I am one of the only people who has done this more than once this year.

But, you know, seven days to 25 days is such a big jump. It was not what I was expecting, and also, this has been more difficult than I anticipated. But I'm not a quitter, and I think I'm gonna do something for the last, like, three days of the challenge that gets people to be a bit more interactive with me.

Yeah, that could be fun. Oh, I just got an idea. I just got an idea.

Yes, I did. And it's gonna be something. It's gonna be something, but only if it works.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't matter, but if it does, it could be a fun challenge. I just had a fun twist on the audio that I did last time when I finished the seven day challenge. I hope I don't sound too stuffy.

My allergies are going off. This bed feels so good. I was up way too late last night, like, up past 3am, so I am- I'm so sorry if I'm not making a ton of sense.

I just- I woke up, and I rolled over and started to record. I'm sorry if I'm not making that much sense. I just rolled over and started to record.

I'm- I'm really excited to see what else will happen. I think I might have to make things a little bit more difficult for myself today because I can't help it. I want to listen to that voice note again.

I want to hear them beg again for me. But, I have to be careful about that sort of thing. I still want to get through this triumphant.

But, if you've been listening this long, thank you so much. These are a lot more casual, so if you listen to these, you know, thanks for hanging out with me. I'm going to make another one of these on day 20, which is just four short days away.

It really has flown by. I can't believe it. Will I be doing one again anytime soon? I don't know.

Maybe not for an entire month this time. Maybe not for an entire month for a little while. I feel like that's a good amount of time to go without.

I don't know if I want to deprive myself too much more throughout the year. We're almost at the end of it. But, damn if it isn't interesting.

Well, I hope whoever's listening to this, if you're not doing a no-touch challenge yourself, has a wonderful time exploring their own pleasure today. And, uh, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.