Naked and Not Afraid of Your... You Know...

Transcript

Okay, so, that's the clearing up there. This tummy here and these bugs are going to be a pain in the ass, but it's okay, we can The brush is pretty thick. There's definitely food in there.

Okay, that's good. Alright, um. ..

Oh, I think. .. Yes, okay.

I'll just get the tree. Oh. Made it.

Okay, good. Whew. I'm in the clearing.

Ugh, why did I not cut my hair? I prepared for everything else. I had all my body hair removed.

I got the birth control shot so I don't have to worry about my period. And yet, I didn't think to get rid of the stupid ponytail, I should have just shaved my fucking head. Ugh, well, that'll have to do.

God, maybe I can lop it off or something while we're out here. I'm sure the people at home would love that. Okay.

Oh my god, really? You? No, no, this has to be some sort of sick joke.

Oh, fuck. Well, we just lost. Awesome.

Well, yeah, I knew it would be somebody I knew. I read the rules. I signed all the forms, just like you did.

All they told me is it would be somebody that I knew from my life. What the fuck that meant, I had no idea. Yeah.

If I had known it was going to be my best friend's geeky little brother, I never would have agreed to this. Oh god, they gave me the guy that sits around playing video games and hasn't been out in the sun in 10 years. Awesome.

How are we going to survive a wilderness competition when you don't know what the outside looks like? Ugh, fuck. I don't think there's anything you could say right now that would make this any better.

Like nothing. Absolutely nothing. Mm-mm.

No. No. Because I'm pissed.

Because I came here to win. Yeah. I spend most of my life outside.

I camp. I hike. I even go fucking fishing with my dad.

So, like, this is my arena. Right? There's no controllers here.

You don't get that stuff. There's no comfy chair and food and whatever else you do when you geek out with your games and shit. No, there's not.

This is reality. This is like actual outside with sunburns and bugs and weird things coming out of the brush and god knows what else. And hunger.

And not being comfortable. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Why? Why did I agree to this? Wait.

The better question is why did you agree to this? Because you're not exactly an outdoorsy person. So this makes no fucking sense.

What are you doing? What? Okay.

Sorry, dude. I don't mean to laugh. I don't mean to laugh.

Okay. You thought you would expand your horizons by going on a show where you have to be out in the wilderness with nothing for 30 days. You thought that was a good idea.

And who in their right mind would have picked you? Like, out of all the people in my life, they landed on you. But again, out of all the people that apply for this show, they landed on you.

Have you picked up some extreme hobbies I don't know about? I mean, your sister doesn't exactly talk about you a lot, so there's that. Oh.

Oh. You've gone camping a couple times. Okay.

At least you've slept outside. Haven't you? Please tell me you weren't in a fucking trailer or something.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. So here's the deal.

I want to win. Mm-hmm. And for some reason, the universe decided to play a colossal fucking joke on me and give me you, so we have to figure out how to do this.

Mm-hmm. Did you just say you have a high pain tolerance? What, so when I kick your ass for making me lose, you're okay with that? I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.

Oh, you can handle it. You ever been really, really hungry? Like, starving? Like, ready to eat your own arm, starving? No? You ever been so dehydrated that the puddles on the ground look appealing? No? I don't know that we'll get quite to that point, because it looks like we've got a decent environment to work with, but it could.

So being uncomfortable is probably an understatement for what we're dealing with. Fuck. Okay.

All right, well, we're here. Yeah, oh, here, what's this? Well, it's a random piece of paper on a tree stump in the middle of the clearing that we were told to go to, so I'm assuming it's instructions.

Okay, yeah, it's just a rundown of the rules. Typical shit. No communication, the crew can't help us unless there's a medical emergency.

All right, so now that we're here and we know who our partner is, we have to strip down, put our clothes in the basket over there, and pull out the one item each that we are allowed to keep with us. Okay, there's another issue. What did you bring with you? Okay.

Well, I'm sorry if it's a little offensive that I'm looking at you like you might have brought something stupid, because I'm not really sure how much of this you're going to be, you know, proficient at. So, sorry, but what did you bring? Because.

.. Oh my god. Because the items we have could make or break.

And I'm sorry, I overheard one of the producers earlier saying that one of the contestants, one of the other contestants, brought a porn magazine. Buddy, that ain't gonna help you in the woods. I don't know what the fuck they were thinking, but if you brought something like that, I'm gonna toss you in the lake myself.

Like, honestly. Aw, did you bring a comfy blanket or a stuffed animal from home? Because you just got, like, embarrassed.

Why did you get embarrassed? That's weird. What did you bring? Should I be worried? Okay, good, you're smarter than that.

Alright, here, put this down. Or did you get embarrassed because I said somebody's out here with a porno mag? Which, hi, welcome to the 80s, but we have no technology, so you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess.

Oh, come on. You cannot tell me that made you embarrassed. Ugh.

Alright, I'm not dealing with this. So, what did you bring? Oh, I'm impressed.

Yeah, I am, actually. That's a good size lighter. And fire is gonna be essential out here.

Good choice. Really good choice, actually. I'm, like I said, I'm impressed.

Mm-hmm. No, I did not bring the same thing, because that would kind of suck. Uh, no, I have this.

Yeah, it is pretty scary, isn't it? It is the Swiss Army knife that my dad gave me when I was young. Mm-hmm.

It will do just about anything, and some of the blades are so sharp that they will cut through almost anything. Mm-hmm. I was looking at a lighter, but the magnifying glass on here will allow me to start fires if I need to, and I can start fires with a brush, but a lighter's a lot easier.

So, that works. So, I think between the two things, we actually are not as screwed as I thought we were, which is good. Okay, we can work with this.

Good, good, good. Yeah, my dad taught me how to. ..

Anyway. Mm-hmm. Well, we tried to take your sister with us once, and she didn't like the idea of being off the grid, she didn't like the idea of being dirty.

She's not an outdoorsy type, so that didn't work out. But my dad and I used to go camping all the time. We used to just literally go off-grid for a couple of days and live in the middle of the woods.

Yeah, my mom thought we were a little, you know, crazy, but that's okay. We had a good time. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how much he's gonna watch, because, you know, the whole naked part. But they censor everything pretty good, so we'll see, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah, we'll do him proud, I guess. Sure.

So, okay, so we gotta strip down now. That's the next part. Really embarrassed again.

You knew what you were signing up for, right? Like, you knew there was not going to be clothing. Okay.

You need a minute? Okay, you take a minute. I'm just gonna get started here.

Shit. T-shirt. Are you gonna take your clothes off, or are you just gonna stand there and look like a teenager at a school dance holding up the wall?

Because the girls are over there. Uh-huh. Come on, this is what we're supposed to do.

If you have trouble with this, how are you gonna be okay being naked for a month? Like, this is the tip of the iceberg. Okay? Okay.

There. Okay, I'm done. Well, your shirt's off.

That's a good start. Uh-huh. Are you gonna lose everything else? Okay, shoes, good.

Good. I was thinking more of the bottom half. What are you staring at? Me? You're not staring at me.

Oh, God. Yeah, they're breasts. Have you never seen breasts before? I mean, I know mine are kind of fantastic, but the staring's a bit much.

Mm-hmm. Uh, yeah? Yeah? I'm gonna see you, yes, that is the idea.

I'm not gonna be staring like you are. Okay. Well, look at it this way.

If you have to be stuck in the wilderness for 30 days with no clothes on, wouldn't you rather be stuck out here with somebody with really nice, firm, perky breasts and a fantastic ass? Mm-hmm, yeah. Like that? Yeah.

Takes a lot of hours in the gym to make it look like that. Nice and thick. Nice and thick.

Dude, I'm kidding. The only reason I'm saying this is because you're getting more uncomfortable the more I say. Yeah.

But seriously, it's better than being out here with somebody that you find physically repulsive. So come on, drop it and let's go. Okay, there you go.

Good, good. Little bit further. You're almost there.

Okay, pants are off. Good. And the boxers are still on.

Dude, did you understand the assignment? It's not in our underwear. It's naked.

Yeah. So, um, are you gonna? Oh, God.

Okay. Alright, I'm gonna be real with you for a sec. I get that this particular thing can be uncomfortable.

Right? Showing that particular part of yourself. But, dude, they blur all the good shit.

Yeah. Nobody's gonna see it but me. And I don't care.

So, if you're concerned about how that's gonna come across, don't be. Because, not really what I'm here for. Okay? Okay.

Yeah? You good? What? Are you afraid you won't measure up or something? God.

Okay. Then just take your fucking shorts off and let's go. There you go.

Okay. Wow. Okay, so.

You weren't afraid of not measuring up. Sorry. I'm never speechless and I'm slightly speechless right now.

So you seem to have the opposite problem. Of not measuring up. Uh-huh.

Now I get it. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's hard.

Nope. It's difficult enough to be naked but to hide certain things that are happening. Uh-huh.

Especially when they're that prominent. Okay. Now you're looking at me like a deer in headlights.

And that is starting to point right at me. And it's looking like it could reach right over here. Oh my god.

I'm shocked, yes. I'm a little more shocked. Not so much of that but that it's attached to my best friend's geeky little brother.

Like, who knew you were packing, dude? Yeah. Shocked the fuck out of me.

Okay, you need to control that thing. Is this going to be a problem? Because you can't even look at me now.

And even not looking at me, it seems to have a mind of its own. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So what exactly is causing this? So what exactly is causing this? Is it because you're looking at me and I'm naked? Or.

.. It's me looking at it. Do you want me to turn my back? Will that make this stop? No? Okay.

Well that. .. That doesn't help then.

Not helpful at all. Okay. Um.

.. So. ..

Here's the problem. I need you to look at me for a sec. My eyes are up here.

Thanks. Uh. ..

Okay. We are not going to win. A, if you can't look me in the eye.

And B, if that happens every time I look at you. So. ..

We need to figure this shit out before this actually starts. Okay? Because we're going to fucking win.

And if your inability to control yourself gets in the way of that, we're going to have a problem. Okay? Uh-huh.

I don't care if you're my bestie's little brother or not. We're going to have a problem. So.

.. We need to figure out how to work with this. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just. ..

It's just. .. What has to happen right now.

Um. .. Hmm.

So, do you like. .. Do you jerk off? Don't look at me like I just offended your sensibilities or something.

God. It's a valid question because that will make that go away. Right? At least, hopefully.

There's nobody here yet. So. ..

Go in the bush and do what you have to do. To make it stop. What do you mean you can't? It's pretty simple.

Do you want me to go over there? I'll pretend I don't know what's happening. Okay.

You're really kind of stuck between a rock and a. .. No, I'm not going to say that.

Um. .. You're in a difficult position, aren't you? Oh boy.

Ugh. Alright, get over here. You heard me.

Get over here.