My bad Auntie reminds me we aren’t actually blood relatives

Transcript

For better or for worse, I owe a lot of my concepts of masculinity, of success, of integrity to my Uncle Craig. He's no longer with us, God rest his soul, but he was a larger-than-life type of dude. His reputation preceded him wherever he went, and he was truly a jack-of-all-trades in that he was a board-certified orthopedic surgeon, and also a biker, a at-one-time drug trafficker, a party animal, among many other things.

And he taught me a lot and exposed me to a great deal. Always having an eye for bullshit and knowing what was truly going on in my life, and dispensing realistic and candid, yet somehow still concerned and paternal advice. This is a story about the time my uncle gave me his blessing, in fact encouraged, me sleeping with his wife, my Aunt Katie.

So, my uncle and I, um, I'd like to keep this vague and I'm a little bit spacey right now and therefore having a hard time figuring out how to distill it down into something descriptive enough that leaves room for plausible deniability. There's the insinuation. My uncle and I had some investments together, and we often met at a corner bar that was an Eastern European restaurant and had sort of a crowd that would not have concerned themselves with our, you know, goings-ons and so largely left us alone.

And it was very dim and, yeah, it was just the perfect place for us to meet. We had many extended conversations there after wrapping up in the evening's trading. And one day he said to me, you need to spend time with mature women.

I see this kind of quiet, reserved confidence you have, but as soon as you get sucked up into drama with one of your little girlfriends, it goes away. And I think I knew what he meant by that. I mean, it's fairly straightforward, right? But I knew what situations he was specifically referring to.

And as he elaborated it and compared against the general sort of advice on sex he tended to give, it resonated. He'd say things like, being with a woman who is clear and confident about wanting to be with you will give you energy and boost your confidence and boost your attractiveness to other women. Being with one who sucks you into drama or wants you to tend to their insecurities or activates yours or detracts from your attractiveness to other women, that's something you got to stay away from.

It'll just suck the life out of you and limit your performance in every area of life. I wish I had learned it a little bit earlier. That's why I'm telling you, you need to spend time with mature women.

Don't settle down too early. It's hard to hit a moving target. It's hard to hit a moving target, kiddo.

He'd say, Uncle Craig, I don't know what the fuck that last quote means that's supposed to be profound or compelling. I was with you up until that point, but you kind of lost me. He said, well, let me be more direct then.

I think you should sleep with your Aunt Katie. My jaw kind of damn near hit the floor when he said that. Was this a trap? Because you're a pretty intimidating uncle.

You're a pretty intimidating guy, Uncle Craig. My Aunt Katie is the schoolteacher and mother of my two cousins, absolutely gorgeous. Also very devoted to her husband and family, and it was very difficult to imagine any circumstance under which that would happen, except perhaps with his approval.

But I was hesitant at first. I asked him multiple times, are you serious? And he said that he was concerned that he might be out of the picture at some point, either because he had to take off and start over, or he ended up locked up, or something bad happened to him, and that there were only so many people that he could stay in the thought of sleeping with his wife, and that paired with the fact that he knew it would be beneficial for me, had put me at the top of the list.

And then he made sure to add at the end, and I mean, you can make a move earlier on if you want, you know, just make sure I'm not home. I mean, if I can't, I'll catch the idea of what's going on, I'll vacate, but it shouldn't be hard enough to find a time when I'm not home. I don't keep tabs on what your Aunt does, your Aunt doesn't keep tabs on what I do.

We have no mistaking mistakes about who the other is though, I've never been quite a monogamous kind of guy, and it's only fair, you know, to extend that same regard. That's another thing I'll tell you. Make sure that you gain enough confidence, and just general competency in the sack, that if your partner ever strays, or your attention is wandering, you'll know it's just the desire for variety, just garden-level curiosity that you're missing out, it's not any deficiency that's going on, because that'll really eat at your self-esteem too, and you don't need that, you need to come at this world like a pit bull, kid.

So, I miss him a lot of times, he's an interesting cat, I need to give some good advice, definitely had a commanding presence. So, I went home and sat on that for a little bit, this idea that, geez, I've been given permission to hit on my Aunt Katie, do I do it right now, do I wait and see if there's like some development or some reason he'd said this, you know, I'm kind of worried about him, like, what's going on, a couple nights later, my phone rang, my uncle, a couple days ahead of when we usually would have gotten together for a regular meeting, and he said to me, without saying hello, I looked in your Aunt's phone, I didn't see any texts from you or anything, no, I wasn't spying on her phone, I was checking to see if you texted her, you didn't, what's up with that, here, I'm going to tell you something, I'm going to put a word in for you, to where it's a sure thing, all you got to do, you won't even be hitting on her or making a move, you'll just be letting her know that you're ready, because we, you know, her and I, we're ride or die level like that, you know, I go to her like this, it comes out a little different the first part every time, but I let her know it's a do or die, ride or die, put up or shut up, put your money where your mouth is, big game, bottom of the ninth, interview, suit and tie, money making, at the altar, whatever else you want to say, picture your fucking life, it's time baby, here I am, it's time, are you with me, good, well then I need you to sleep with your nephew, see if I come at her like that, whatever I say, after the are you with me, and she gives me that sexy little nod, she knows that it's something that I really need, and she trusts I don't abuse that privilege, and she don't with me either, and that way I know, that's what sets her apart from anybody else, you know, she's got that ride or die, you know, ability to petition for my ride or die allegiance, and I have such a good feeling about the wonders this would do for your swag, and for her self esteem, you know, her hot young nephew hitting on her, and I'm sure you're going to make her feel like a million bucks, so I just feel really good about the idea, so I'm going to put in a ride or die request for you, and I'll stop bugging you about it if you want to be a weirdo and wait two or three years if you can, but just know that when the time comes, she'll, I mean, this is not to say she wouldn't have wanted to anyway, she very much would have, I'm just, whatever, trying to let you know that I really think it would be a good idea, really thinks it would be a good idea, how many guys say that, they really think it would be a good idea if they could just sleep with their wife, but I was very much turned on by the idea at this point, and I did meet up with my aunt and have coffee, and there was a bit of a flirtatious vibe, I told her I thought she looked really good, and that, you know, we never got to spend enough time together, one on one, there was always short interactions at family parties, you know, that I would like to have a closer relationship with her, because I thought we just really had a, you know, we're kindred spirits, and, you know, liked a lot of the same music, and had a similar sense of humor, and she loved it, I think, but nothing came of it right then, and two years passed between that initial conversation with my uncle and his death, so that was very difficult, and, you know, I also at that point knew that, you know, I should do the right thing by his memory, and, you know, he wouldn't have wanted me to not follow up on this, so I had to do the right thing by his legacy, right? Funny enough, he actually, gosh, he said he didn't keep tabs on my aunt Katie's activities like that, but he did apparently give her a list of friends and acquaintances of his or hers that he wasn't bothered by the notion of her sleeping with, and it was even further divided into, you know, before and after he was gone, so I think, you know, he didn't have a death wish per se, but he lived a slow lifestyle, but longevity is not exactly the assumption, so about a month after his funeral, I impulsively drove over to my aunt Katie's house, and when I pulled in the driveway, she happened to be standing outside watering flowers, and she came over, and she, you know, they had a big garden and stuff, and sometimes they'd stop by to pick some vegetables or, I don't know, just drop something off or say a quick hello, but as soon as she picked up on the fact that this was a visit for seeing her, you know, that I was coming just to see her, you know, I'm just going to pick a couple cucumbers, but more like, hey aunt Katie, how's it going?

Yeah, I remember when I said a couple years ago I really wanted to spend more time with you and, you know, have a better aunt and nephew relationship, I hadn't really followed up on that, so I just thought I'd stop over and see if you wanted to spend some time together, and when I said that, she transformed before my eyes from my sweet aunt Katie, the school teacher, into this absolute vixen, bad bitch, sex goddess. It was wild. Her whole energy changed, her movements became really crisp and deliberate and confident, and her voice was just somehow different and had that raspy, sexy, party girl thing going on, and even their facial features looked different all of a sudden.

It's like I really noticed their makeup and the way she smelled, and she just, yeah, like I said, turned into this sex goddess right in front of me. I think she actually even took me by the hand and led me inside. Although once we were inside we sat and talked a little bit, she made coffee, and she was seated at a barstool, and I was standing, and we kind of fell into this sort of dance of saying things that were sexually suggestive, but not quite going all the way with the innuendo.

I know things must be really hard for you. Well, I can only imagine how hard things are for you sometimes, so, you know, let's focus on your hard things, not mine. It's not the most clever innuendo in the world, but certainly effective enough at setting the stage.

She asked me to sit a couple times, but I kind of just distracted and brushed it off, because I liked sort of standing over her in the chair there, sort of kept sliding myself a little bit closer into her space, and as I did, she spun the direction the seat was facing away from right under the counter towards being more angled towards me, and things kind of just escalating in that sense of the boldness of the comments. I'm trying to remember which one finally set things off. Oh, I do know what it was.

It was actually not a comment, but it was when I touched her knee. I'd been telling a story about my uncle, kind of throwing my hands in the air and being real animated, and as I approached her, you know, and having her having turned towards me, sort of, she just subtly opened her legs up when she did that, too. It was really hot.

I don't know if it was intentional or not, but yeah, it was within reach, because it was no longer tucked up under the counter, and I reached forward and put my hand on her knee, and in that exact moment, the thought that blared through my entire consciousness and psyche was, we are going to fuck. You are about to fuck your Aunt Katie. Your Aunt Katie is about to fuck you.

I didn't have any doubts about it or anything, but there was just like this electric connection. You know, maybe you could say I knew that it was going to be good at that point. I knew that there was going to be, yeah, a very pleasurable electric quality to it.

It wouldn't be dull or flat, but very, very hot. Yeah, and she, from that point, we kind of danced back and forth between who was the more assertive or dominant party in a really nice, seamless way, but she sort of took control of steering the tone from there and did just lay it out on the table, so once that touch barrier was broken, she seemed a little bit more comfortable and confident going forward. She said to me, so you got the hots for your auntie, huh? Some people might say that that's a little inappropriate.

Yeah, how do you feel about that? I mean, I don't think it's inappropriate, because if it is, then I would be the most guilty offender. But, you know, yeah, some people wouldn't really like that or think that that was acceptable or healthy.

I really liked how she went directly at the dynamic and threw it out on the table like that. It kind of seemed like it helped avoid any weirdness or guilt or anything like that. Shame could have arisen.

I don't think it was the biggest concern in the world, given that I have always been comfortable with my desires, but, you know, having her be so unabashed certainly was helpful. It's definitely always turned me on to have a partner who's unequivocally interested in me. She said to me, you know what I'm thinking right now? You don't have to be ashamed.

You don't have to feel guilty. You can tell me.