Let's Just Do The Test! - Part One

Transcript

Oh my god, here take this towel, oh god I've got to get these heels off, they're killing me, oh god, here take this towel Oh god I love the rain but I don't really like it when I'm cosy in bed Oh no You know, do you want to use the bathroom? No you can't, no I don't mind You don't mind do you? You know, I just treat you like how I treat my gay mates No I mean like, I don't care if I get unchanged in front of you What do you mean?

Er, I don't get what you mean by that sentence, I know you don't have a problem with gay people so why are you saying that? You don't want me to treat you like them, but why? Well if I didn't then I'm sorry you wouldn't be watching me stood here in my underwear I don't get what you mean, like you, yeah well I'm just nearly broken up as are you and that's the whole reason why I never got changed in front of you before Because you had a girlfriend, I had a guy, you would have gone ballistic if you'd known I got changed in front of you Well, I'm sorry, I mean I can go in the bathroom Oh I see Listen, what's been up with you all night?

You've not been yourself Do you want me to turn away while you take your jeans off? Why? I don't know why, you've just been acting so weird and I just don't get it, I feel like This is the first time in four years I've been single, first time in how many years?

Like two and a half that you've been single, we said that we'd go out to celebrate and you look like you've had your fucking face slapped with a dirty baby's nappy or something Oh I'm sorry, listen, sorry, I'm being insensitive You're upset about the break up yeah, do you want to talk about it? What do you mean then, what is it then? Jeez, how long have we been friends for? Practically half of our lives and you're telling me you can't talk to me about it, why? Right Yeah I was having fun, I thought that was the whole point of us going out Yeah I know you wanted to stay in and eat pizza, that would have been boring No, oh come on, listen I feel like you want to fight because now you're just twisting everything that I'm saying I wouldn't have been bored with just you and I watching whatever and eating pizza I just wanted to go out, you just don't understand how controlling my last boyfriend was, he didn't let me do anything You know that more than anyone so surely you can see why I just wanted to get out and have fun I thought you did too, I thought you were dying to get out there with your new single bachelorhood them and flirt with every chick out there Alright well yeah fair enough it is too soon but like you could have just still had fun and just like, I don't know, taken a few numbers and just Like why don't you talk to me, I know that something's wrong but I don't know why you just won't tell me what it is Right, really?

What, I know her? Why don't you want to talk about it, if you talk about it then maybe we can salvage the rest of this weekend because I'm sorry but like You might as well go home tomorrow if you're going to be like this, it's just been a killjoy Oh come off it, don't leave like this, I don't want you to go home but I just also don't want you to stay if you're going to be grumpy Why can't you just cheer up and then problem solved My knickers were still wet so this now made my shorts wet, now you can turn around like I don't want you to see my arse Hold on a minute Turn around, oh my gosh, come off it Yeah well, that is a bit different Do you need, I don't have boxes but I've got like boy shorts, oh mind you my ex-mate, actually he probably Oh, Commander, what's that? Oh Jesus, really? Is that why you didn't take off your wet jeans, I was wondering but I didn't want to say anything, I just thought maybe you were a bit shy Why don't you, there's no way my jeans are going to fit you I'll have to just see, let me see if he's left something, he's bound to have left something These will do, these will do Yeah they're just jogging bottoms and you don't need them over there so take that, I'm going to turn around Would you like some tea, coffee, me?

Huh? I'm just joking, I used to say that all the time, it's from that movie, what movie is it, it's from some old 80s movie when that secretary is making coffee to that hot guy You're being so weird with me tonight and I just, I don't get it, honestly, I don't get it I'm going to get into bed if you don't want a drink, are you hungry, do you want some food? I'm just going to check my email if you don't mind What do you want to do, do you want to play music or, I'm definitely not in the mood for a game Mind you, I did say that I was going to kick your arse at poker but I don't think I'm in the mood for that now No you're not, yeah sure, there is, if you go in the kitchen, you know the drawer underneath the air fryer, yeah the middle one There's tons of spare toothbrushes and that in there and obviously you can help yourself to all of my toiletries and that, I don't know if he's left anything in the bathroom that you can, actually no don't use any of his stuff because I don't want you to smell like him, no Just use my stuff or just go all natural Hey do you know that you can get this spray now, it's like a pheromones, I would love to know like what, like is my natural smell you know appealing to people or is it not or, let me smell you, come here Sit down, come here, I'm not drunk, oh come on just a little but not drunk, let me smell you, no that's how puppy dogs do it, oh wow my gosh you do have a nice smell to you, wow Smell me, come on, oh gosh, why are you acting crazy, it's, do you know what, it's really weird but like if I did not know you better, if I had not known you for so long, I would have thought that you were acting kind of like shy Oh sorry, sorry, hold on, oh gosh it's a text from that guy, you know that really hot tall blonde dude with those crazy like husky dog eyes I'm not gushing, no I'm not into him anyway because I don't know his breath smell a bit kind of like tobacco or something, oh no it put me off, I'm just enjoying getting some attention, oh my gosh why can't you be happy for me I mean those, all those guys were chucking themselves at you and you was ignoring every one of them and they was giving me daggers because they thought that I was with you and I was like trying to encourage them to talk to you and then they probably thought we were some kind of like weird freaking swingers or whatnot Yeah well that guy said that he nearly didn't approach me because you was like staring at him daggers I know you're just overprotective but there's no need, we're adults we can look after ourselves you know Anyway, anyway, stop sulking and get back to smelling me Well, what?

Edible? Ow, alright I'll take that, no but like what's my natural smell like? Is it, I don't know like is it florally, is it like musky, is it, go on then Freshly baked cookies? Come on are you sure it's not the ones that I've been gobbling up every chance I get? Cookies? Do you know what, funnily enough this one guy did say to me one time, was it a pick up line? I'm sure it was a pick up line to do with a bakery but I can't remember what it was but the punch line was definitely bakery Man that'll annoy me, I'm gonna have to think of that, it'll come to me, it'll come to me What did he say?

Oh, no I can't think of it Are all right grumpy pants? Do you want me to shut the window because it's pretty noisy but to be honest with you I need that noise to get to sleep because I don't know being born a city girl and then moving down here in the sticks it's like really hard for me to get to sleep so usually I'm like listening to stuff on YouTube or whatever and oh my gosh I've even gone a step further lately You know those ASMR boyfriend type ones? No I'm not, how dare you? No because I just need it and obviously I've been coupled up for four whole years and I've had the sound of like breathing in my neck when I go to sleep and I don't know I just find it kind of therapeutic that's why it's great that you're staying yay I hope you're a noisy sleeper in fact how about I record you so that when I'm on my own and I can't sleep I can listen to you breathing that's hella cute Oh really?

Well it's not like I can have you here staying here every night. Do you mean why not? Because duh you live where you live and I live where I live.

Oh my god don't tell me are you asking to be my roomie? Oh what's wrong? Please talk to me you're just I don't know I'm getting upset now because that little look in your face is just not like you.

Just be honest with me are you hurting over the breakup and you're just trying to like style it out by being all like macho and making out that it doesn't hurt you? Because you know I feel like we're kind of different I have been trying to break up with this dude for like over a year so that I'm like you know really happy to be out of it but I don't know about you I thought that I don't know I just thought that you was kind of happy and Yeah but what are friends for? It doesn't matter you could come to me any time night or day and I'll be here to listen to you if you if he was unhappy in your relationship I don't get why you wouldn't have turned to me I could have given you all the comfort and advice that you needed Yeah I know I was going through my own relationship hell basically but that wouldn't have stopped me from being there for you you know what kind of a friend I've been to you for these years I don't get why you would even question that like I would have dropped everything for you I would have dropped him for you What do you mean why didn't I?

Because I never needed to you never you never asked me to oh my god do you want something to drink more? Oh for fuck's sake hold on Oh my god he wants to call no of course I'm not look stop freaking out I will turn the phone off you know what you're kind of giving me PSD because like now I'm kind of you are acting like how he used to act you're acting kind of like jealous and yeah I know well you've got me all weekend so it doesn't matter what this toss is doing I'm obviously not going to bow from you to him right so why are you acting this way? Look get into bed why don't we watch something on YouTube let me bring something up or Netflix mind you I don't really want to watch anything like serious I just want what kind of music see that's the thing we've got completely different tastes hmm why don't we just we could listen just to some kind of gentle background music well do you know what do you not like the sound of the traffic and the rain and everything can we just listen to that?

all right Right are you going to get in or are you going to sit there sulking? Careful just chuck them over there with the rest of the stuff no sorry no can I explain I wasn't looking at you no no right hold on how can I put this I wasn't looking at your package to look at your package no I was looking at you because look you see where you had no underwear on it's gone wet there and like the outline oh my gosh look I am not blushing I am not blushing how dare you no I'm not stop it stop it this is awkward right because every time we've been together or you know you stayed over whatever I've had a boyfriend you've had a girlfriend so like I don't know we've always been kind of walking on eggshells or whatever but it's like now that we're both single you're acting so weird to me and now I can feel my face burning because I feel like I've like been pervy over you where look it's wet and it's just making everything stand out so like I'm not stuttering whatever yeah I can do you want me to make you feel how I feel now yeah here tea flash oh my god oh my god I'm oh I'm sorry no no no don't be embarrassed don't be embarrassed look get into bed get into bed I'm sorry no no listen I know it's not because of me it's just like it's just tits I know that oh guys don't don't be embarrassed oh my gosh if anyone should be embarrassed it's me I'm so sorry oh my gosh what's happening to this now it's like fucking hell on steroids let's let's reset somehow this is awkward don't be embarrassed Jesus it's nothing that we've not each seen before like oh god look if you don't stop talking about it then it will you'll make it embarrassing I don't think you're a pervert it's just a human natural response listen I'm a female right so if I was to get excited in any way you're not really gonna know about it like you know my equipment can hide my feelings unlike yours so I get it like you know you've been drinking a beer and you know I did that I'm so sorry I didn't think it was gonna have that effect but that's why that's why I was saying.