Late Nights With Dre: Ep 1. A Conversation With My Ex?

Transcript

Good evening, ladies. My name is Andre Bowen, and I would like to welcome you to the all new Late Nights with Dre. And I decided to revamp the podcast.

If you're from Patreon, then you will remember the podcast Late Nights with Dre. I think we got about 40 episodes in, but I want to do something a little bit different with Old Cleo. This is going to be an Old Cleo exclusive Late Nights with Dre, and tonight we're talking about relationships.

And I have a very special guest in the building tonight. Would you like to introduce yourself? Hello, hello, hello.

My name is Jean, and I am happy to be here. Thanks for having me. OK, you are more than welcome to be here, and I'm so glad to have you.

Thank you so much for showing up. Jean is my ex, so this is going to be a very interesting topic. We're going to dive into a few things.

We was having a conversation earlier and we was really talking about can exes still be friends? What is the dynamic between two people who have already been in a relationship together? Is it possible to continue to cultivate that relationship while moving on to another relationship? And what is that like? And we're also just going to dive into what our relationship was like, maybe what caused the demise of the relationship and what are some of the things that we actually learned from that relationship?

OK, so my first question to you, what do you feel like is the most important, beneficial and profound thing that you learned in the course of us connecting? That's a really good question. I feel like our relationship was definitely needed for me.

I feel like it was definitely like my transformative relationship. And what I mean by that is I felt like for the first time I'm realizing it's not about like putting on a show, trying to fit this mold. And I feel like society does a good job of like or a bad job of making women feel like they have to kind of perform.

And so it just made me realize that you can be your true, authentic self and the right person is going to really love you for it. Oh, that's so sweet. I want to start from the beginning.

OK, let's talk about how we met. And I'm going to tell you guys a story about this thing. I met this lady's dad and she had me lying to her dad.

She was so embarrassed about how we met that she actually fabricated the story. And the story went something like we met in sprouts on the vegetable aisle and she denied me and turned me down. And I kind of chased her around the store, begging and pleading for her number when that's not the case.

So I will let you tell everybody how we met. Go ahead and share that with us. OK, first off, you're absolutely right.

I did make sure that the way that we met was under wraps. Sorry, dad, if you're listening, I hope you're not. But we actually met online.

Society paints it where if you're a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken, financially literate person, you shouldn't go have to find a partner or go try and search and find one. And I felt like that's what that was, online dating. So why were you online dating then? That's kind of interesting you feel that way.

So I took a two year hiatus off of men, actually, before I met you and women. Let me clarify. I am straight.

When I came back into dating, I wasn't even like fully ready to put my foot in. I don't know if I even told you that, but I wasn't sure at first. And I felt like it was a an easier step or a merge back into the dating world.

Online dating? Yeah. OK, I could definitely see that.

So no, you definitely didn't tell me that because if you would have told me that, I don't think we would be dating. My whole thing is to connect with someone who is completely and totally ready to share their lives with someone. And I think that requires a level of work all on your own.

I always say you have to heal. You have to learn to love yourself and be by yourself before you can share yourself with someone else. You agree or disagree with that? Absolutely.

And I want to make sure I'm clear. My apprehension with dating was a result of being hurt. And it didn't come without a lot of work.

I went and I did a lot of different therapies and different things of that nature, still in therapy to this day. So like when I was apprehensive, it wasn't more so like I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. It was just when you're working through your stuff, it doesn't feel that real.

So when it's time for you to step out and actually apply all the things that you learned in real time, it can just be a little intimidating. And I think you just said something really beautiful. And it kind of brings me into this next point.

And I want to kind of talk about it a little bit. We can flesh it out. You don't have to be fully healed to start dating.

You know, and healing is never this. Well, as you always say or used to say when we was connected, that healing is not linear. You know, it's not this destination you're going to arrive as there's various levels of healing.

And I say that because I do recall you saying that although you didn't put in a lot of work to get yourself to this healthy place, you still gain so much from being in our connection. Talk about that a little bit. You learn things.

Think about it like being in school. Right. You can be taught a lesson plan and lesson plan is compiled of a bunch of different lessons throughout the chapter.

And you get tested on it and you can still get things wrong. And I think that's the hardest part or was the hardest part was understanding that in me failing at this part, you know, whatever it was, I'm being tested and I'm an avoidant attachment style. Right.

So I'm moving to be secure. I used to be a lot more avoidant and my number one thing was making sure, OK, at least now I can be present and understand like, OK, before when I didn't know that this was a bad thing or this is toxic or I would have been naive to it. So I feel like being able to learn and understand and, you know, be malleable.

OK, that's what's up. That's what's up. So someone on Oakley really wanted to know what makes a relationship sustainable.

I wouldn't necessarily say we had a long term relationship. Our relationship lasts about eight months from its inception. We decided to end things on a very mature and mutual ground.

And I think what we both gained was very beautiful. It also poses another question, though, like can two people who are intimate and together actually continue to be friends? And that's a fine line that everybody say should not be crossed just because of future connections.

I want to elaborate on that. I'm going to take the lead on this one. In my personal opinion, it can definitely be inappropriate if you're disconnected from someone and you guys reconnect or remain friends and you're trying to be in another situation.

I think there's a level of respect that should be had in any connection, like when you're progressing with someone. So if I had a new girl and we've been physically intimate and we've connected on various different levels, it wouldn't be fair to her to stay connected to you because of the history that we had. How do you feel about that? I definitely feel like it's a conversation for your partner.

I feel like people may feel differently about it and everyone's entitled to their own opinion. And to me, it's about making sure that your partner's feelings is your top priority because that's the person that you're trying to build with. No, I definitely understand that.

So if I'm understanding you correctly, everyone doesn't really care in your personal opinion if you're connected with people from your past, especially if you have established a level of trust and understanding and commitment and you guys are rock solid. I'm going to tell you this. If I'm your ex, that nigga need to be worried just a little bit.

Now, I'm far from toxic, ladies. I'm just saying I'm a great guy. I'm tall.

I'm very attractive. I have my things together financially and I know it can be very tempting. Probably even right now we sit in the studio.

The lights are dimmed just a little bit. She's looking over at me with these googly eyes. So it could be really tempting.

Thank God she's not connected with anyone else right now, nor am I. But I can imagine the pressure. What do you think? Oh, my goodness.

You guys, he is too much for me. But I definitely I agree. I feel like depending on the connection and I can't speak for everybody.

You know, everyone has different types of relationships. There's polygamous relationships. There's different dynamics that I may not personally explore, but, you know, to each their own.

But for me personally, I would definitely want to talk to my partner, see how they feel about it. And if they have any problems, you know, it's got to go. I love that.

The fact that you say you're willing to have a conversation with your partner to get their feedback. But OK, let's just make this thing as personal as possible. You know, the connection that we had, you know, the history that we had.

If you were connected with someone else and you felt like it was growing to something more serious and I still wanted us to have our friendship. Would you also connect with that partner? How would that whole dynamic go out? For me, it would definitely have to be a.

I mean, I have to be with my partner. Like at the end of the day, you didn't want it anyway. OK, I mean, I definitely respect it.

Like I said, I would value that quality in a woman that comes with that whole honesty, integrity part. You know, and if you would have said anything different, it probably would have made me look at you a tad bit different, especially since we were connected. So kudos to you.

Kudos to you. Listen, I'm I'm 100 percent above board around here. I don't play with people's hearts.

I feel that I respect that 100 percent, nor do I. So right now, I really want to break down some more elements inside the relationship. Like being honest, nobody is perfect.

You all have ups and downs and everything. No relationship is just going to be 100 percent great throughout. I will say I learned a lot of different things in the course of our relationship.

And for me, the most profound thing was that there's always more work to be done. And I love also how you said that I made you feel comfortable and like you could be yourself because these are things that are very important for me. And one thing above all things, though, we were friends first.

Like we spent so much time just communicating and conversing over the phone. Do you remember when you was in high school and I'm talking to the audience at this point and you will converse with this new booth thing that you got to know your guy? You guys are talking on the phone for three or five hours at a time.

Your feet all on the wall. You're curling up your hair. You just smiling and cheesing, anticipating their phone call.

That's the type of connection that we had initially. And guys, this is a true story. We talk on the phone for two months every day, a minimum of two hours each conversation.

The longest conversation being like seven hours, seven hours every day for two months before we actually went on a date. That's real. I think we even fell asleep on FaceTime a couple of times, too.

Yeah. And women really value little stuff like that. Little mushy shit like that.

She was trying to take me out my swag bag. She wanted all of my time and my attention. But I will say I really enjoyed it.

And I think what it did for our connection when we actually did meet, it provided a level of comfortability for both of us because we was comfortable with the mannerisms, the conversations. And that's another beautiful thing that I love. When we was connected, it was the fact that we never ran out of things to say.

Absolutely. And it always felt super organic. You know, it never felt like one person was having to carry the conversation or it felt dry or dull.

There was always something to talk about. And I feel like we both took initiative in that. So something I really valued and really cherish to this day, for sure.

Absolutely. I think he was an amazing friend and I really did value the friendship and do to this day. Let's talk about when you feel like things kind of shift in our relationship.

But before that, what were some of the things that you felt like were negatives in a relationship? Because I don't want to paint this picture that I'm just this perfect guy. And we all have flaws, like I said before.

And we all have these things that other people may see in us that we don't see. And I'm going to say a few things about you, too. But we could be honest like that because that's where we are.

So what are some of the things that you found to be flaws? I can tell you one off the gate. You think I lack patience in a lot of different things.

Yes. Listen. Overall, I really did enjoy our relationship.

Just want to preface it with that. But a couple of things that me and you have talked about off mic. One being how we spoke to one another in times of arguments and disagreement.

I felt like we could have had a little more tooth. And again, I'm a grown woman, so I can acknowledge that I could have done better as well. Okay.

That's cool. So keep going. Tell me what else it is that you feel like that I kind of could have did a little bit better and maybe dropped the ball on just a little bit.

I just feel like moments that we just weren't on the same page and how we attacked not being on the same page. I feel like sometimes when we would get in arguments or disagreements, it felt like it was me versus you rather than us coming together and giving each other the benefit of the doubt and being like, Hey, I know that this is a misunderstanding. It makes me feel like this.

But the way that you're responding is not how I would like. So this is how I would like for you to respond next time. I know you don't mean any harm or any problems by it, and I appreciate that.

And that's just something I got you. For sure. I definitely recall that.

And I did acknowledge and take accountability for my wrongdoing in the demise of the relationship. And I think that's a big part of any relationship. You're not always going to get closure.

You're not always going to have these relationships where you get all the answers or the things that you feel like you want from them. But it's very imperative. I mean, imperative that you're able to be present and take accountability for your role because we each play a role in how we show up.

I really appreciate that. For me, I would say towards the end, I just felt like I wasn't getting the things that I necessarily needed to feel sustained in a relationship. That's in no way, shape, form to diminish your character or take away from who you are as a person because I think you're a wonderful person.

But I definitely feel like at times prioritize other things over the relationship. And sometimes that was reflected in the relationship. I do remember you talking to me about this.

And it's definitely something that I look back on now and I can see where I needed to grow. And I feel like I needed this experience to understand that that's a piece of me that needs to continue to grow. It's like we talked about, healing's not linear.

And I feel like our relationship was a clear example of that. And it made me not, I'm a perfectionist. So it made me not so afraid to mess up.

To where before messing up with the idea of making my partner upset would be almost paralyzing. And then to be able to just be free and understand that if I do mess up, something does go wrong. One, I can't control it.

But two, understand that it's a learning lesson. It's not an L. Yeah, that's what's up.

Now, one other thing I wanted to talk about before we kind of wrap up and get to the conclusion of the relationship. But yeah, I did want to briefly touch on the intimacy component and what it's like to be with Andre Baldwin and what it was like in my relationship. I think attention to detail is very important, being a pleaser in a relationship.