Improv....date stand up xox

Transcript

Well this turned out perfectly home alone and on my first try nothing but alcohol me stuff is amazing tell you now maybe I could sell alcohol this is the best night ever what the fuck was that oh it's you you almost gave me a heart attack but we're getting robbed I wasn't expecting you back so early I take it you forgot your phone or something your date stood you up ah right come take a seat sit that's what happened bad joke did he insult you let me guess he proposed he didn't even show up are you sure he didn't get lost in traffic or something I mean what did he tell you when he called you he blocked you sorry Wow well you probably don't want to hear this but it sounded like you dodged a bullet sorry so if I planned a date and I didn't want to go I'd tell them myself I'm a guy like ghost someone like that it's ridiculous I'm surprised it still happens you're gonna be alright my roommate I'm sorry maybe it's too soon but I'll give you some space I'll be in my room you want me to stay well there's alcohol lots of alcohol let me get some for you I'll just take the piss out of this guy yeah now one time I met this guy by the way he seemed a bit you know off flaky I don't know sketchy I'm not a good judge of character really give me one example you can never gonna let me live that one down are you so the one time I had a one-night stand I woke up with 300 quid missing yeah I learned a lesson very valuable lesson never keep cash inside your house how about that taste this so it's good doesn't it okay well that's life this because you're having a bad night you know cool dressed up and sexy for nothing no I didn't mean it that way it's just I meant the hair the outfit you know everything it's not everyday that I see you like this is all so anyway that the point I was trying to make was dating can sometimes be complicated people are complex you could do everything right but if the other person doesn't do their part it won't work and when that happens the only thing you could do as well just get back out there I don't know maybe that is why I'm single right now I was out there before but one day I realized it wasn't fun anymore meet someone you go out break up do it all over again it's like running on a fucking hamster wheel constantly moving but you're getting nowhere it's easy enough work hobbies got you you know hanging out with you I mean just my housemate I guess but at least you pay your rental time right yeah you know that's maybe love you're actually quite clean as well you know I don't actually know what I'm gonna do when you move out of course at some point you'll leave well after tonight you'll never leave don't be like that tonight sucked but eventually you'll meet someone you'll have a whirlwind you'll get back it'll be me and you drinking booze on this sofa all over again yeah you can ask me any of them and I'll tell you the truth what's up Wow um yeah when I said you look good tonight I meant it you're hot you're hot as fuck you know I cannot take my eyes off you your body just everything makes me feel you know there was actually this one time I um all past the shower door you had opened just a little bit and I went to shut it and I only just saw a flicker but I couldn't get you out of my mind I couldn't get you out of my mind for the rest of the day can I can I get closer to you can I kiss you can I kiss you that's it put your hand on my leg yeah take it take me oh oh fuck I want you I want you so fucking bad a kiss bite your neck gently and harder I can feel it surging through my body in between my legs that's it take my cock in your hands take my cock oh let's just say that dickhead who stood you up tonight doesn't know what he's been missing out on.