I Wanted To Push You Away. I’m Done Being Heartbroken.

Transcript

Okay. You're here. Cool.

Great. Nice to see you. I said I was fine.

I said you didn't have to show me this pity. And I keep saying that every time this happens, but yet I open the door and there you are. And I know I look like shit.

So please don't give me that feeling sad for me kind of look. Okay. Since you just had to rush over here after we talked to the phone, you know, after I said I didn't want to be around anyone right now.

Don't let the first fucking thing you do is act like you got to treat me like I'm some vulnerable heartbroken mess. All right. You always do this and it pisses me off.

What do you just think I'm weak or something like that somehow because I'm always so trusting of people's fake smiles or kindness that I look so naive in the worst way. No, no, no. This is not projecting my anger again.

Fuck that because I don't know what the fuck to think about people who I want to date or be friends with anymore. And guess what? That includes you.

You could just be entertaining my every thought and action until somehow I get too weird for you and then you're ready to leave me too. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not true.

You say, okay, how the hell do I know that? You've known me for fucking years and yet I have no doubt in my mind right now that you can suddenly change on me too. And no, no, no, I don't care about how much you want to prove it.

You can spend a million goddamn years proving you truly care, but I'm so done letting love or friendship in just to get my heart stepped on. Okay. Fuck love.

Fuck friendship and any other kind of companionship. Oh, and fuck you too. Just get the hell out.

Why don't you just let me be a fucking mess of a human being in peace the way God must have fucking attended. Goodbye. I said goodbye.

Why aren't you leaving? I'm trying to tell you I must not be worth your time. If anyone I choose to let in just winds up seeing me as disposable.

So just leave now. Of course, the first thing you want to do is give me the stupid hug. All right, just let me go.

All right. What, what, what do you mean? I do.

I really think this, why would I waste time saying it if I don't really feel this? Yes, this is how I feel. Now just let go.

And no, I never considered that's their loss and that they don't understand me because that's stupid. Clearly I have to be the problem. And yes, I know you stuck with me longer than any of them.

Good for you. So what is that supposed to mean? Oh, so, oh, so because you've been there all this time, I'm not as unlovable as I think I am.

Right. That's, that's what you're saying now. Okay.

Okay. Look, you, you are trying really hard right now. And some part of me that still wants to believe in people still believes that.

All right. That you're just trying. All right.

But I just don't know how to trust anything anymore right now. Okay. I'm just so angry with myself and with people.

And I don't know if I could just believe you or any, stop. How could, how could you want to hug or kiss me right now? How aren't you mad enough to leave right now and never come back? After I keep doing this, after I keep being so upset like this and treating you like this, how did you, how do you want to kiss me right now?

How does that make sense? And have what, have you always wanted to kiss me or something? Never done that before.

What? Why won't you answer any of my questions? What is it? What you afraid of saying the wrong thing? And I asked you to leave again.

I'm probably going to ask you to leave again anyway. Listen, just, I, I think you know that I already see the answers in your eyes. All right.

I'm seeing how you care, but can I trust what I'm seeing? How exactly can I trust what I'm seeing? What, what could I do? Like, how, how could I trust anyone anymore when everything always goes wrong with people? How are you going to be any different for me? What are you going to do? What are you going to do to show how you're so fucking different from the rest of them? How much time do I have to give you? I don't know.

I don't know if I should even try anymore. I should even give you that chance. I should give anyone any kind of fucking chance anymore.

Just don't do this. Don't, don't start getting me all in love again. And I keep doing this over and over.

You see how many times this happened? Why should I trust? Why should I trust you over anyone else? I know.

I know you've been there, but I don't know if I can trust you either. Just give you a chance. That's all I do is give chances.

Why? Because you, I think you know why. It's because I just want to love.

Okay. How hard is that? Apparently it's so hard for me.

Apparently I'm just something that's just wrong with me. Or maybe not. I don't know.

You seem to think so differently since you always put up with my shit all the time. Why do you put up with me? Seriously? You like me? All this time I've been running around with all these fucking assholes trying to be friends or trying to be lovers with them.

And you were there all this time and you, and you wanted a chance and you never told me. I understand not wanting to ruin what we have. I guess I get that.

I guess we are good friends, but I don't know. I just feel like I need someone who would really, truly get me like, and stay around for me the way you do. I just never knew you felt like this.

Okay. This is just so sudden. So what are you going to do now? What are we going to do now? This is already happening so fast.

All right. This is another relationship that I'm going to trust once again, just throw myself out there. I don't know how this is going to end, but whatever.

I guess I trust you more than I trust any other person I've been trying to chase after. So what do you want from me right now? Why would you leave? What do you want? Okay.

Okay. Yes. I guess we could try.

I guess. What are you going to do first then? How much do I have to teach you about this? Do you know anything about this or what do I have to tell you about this? You got all the experience, huh? Well, good.

That's less I have to say then. Why don't you just show me something then? If you want to show me how you're so different, you can start by showing me how you touch me.

How would you touch me? Why don't you show me that? So start there.

That's not so bad. You know how to do it. You know how to not do it too hard.

So that feels kind of good, I guess. Don't get so ahead of yourself, though. I don't think this changes anything yet.

I just know this feels good. This feels really good right now. I just know that I kind of need this, I guess, from someone who I can still trust at least a little bit.

I just know that I kind of need this. I just know that I kind of need this. I just know that I kind of need this.

I just know that I kind of need this. I just know that I kind of need this. Why couldn't you do this any of those other times? Any of those other times when I felt like I really could have needed this? I didn't know you could make me feel like this.

At least try to all those other times. Why couldn't you have told me that you loved me? I could have stopped giving myself up so easily to people.

I don't even know if I want to do this so easily with you, but whatever it is. I don't want this moment to stop. I don't mind if you just keep touching me.

Oh God, I don't even know why you're still here. You shouldn't even still be here the way I keep getting so fucking angry. You should still stay around.

I don't understand why. I'm such a mess. But you don't see me that way.

You never see me that way. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Don't say that she'll never leave me.

Don't say it. I don't want to hear it. Don't.

.. Oh, no. I want to believe that you mean it.

I want to. .. That you.

.. You know I'm such a. ..

I'm just so hurt right now. I'm just so hurt right now. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes.

Oh, yes. Best day. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes.

Please. Could you get your fingers deeper? Could you get them deeper? Please.

Oh! Yes. Oh! I love you, too.

You know what? I do love you. Yes.

Yes. It's hard to admit right now, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to push you away. I was.

I was trying to push you away. I'm. ..

I am. .. I am sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh. Oh.

Yes. Yes. You're always so good to me.

You're always so good to me. I do. I do appreciate it.

I do. Yes. Yes.

Yes.