Hull Breach (Part 3)

Transcript

Oh, Jesus fuck. Shut up, will you? I was born with little legs.

Doing cardio wouldn't help with jack shit right now, okay? Plus, it won't change the fact that you weigh like 50 fuckin' pounds right now. Yeah, yeah, I get it.

I wasn't born. Okay, whatever, look. The more you talk, the more breath I waste on talking, and the less I have for walkin'.

Okay, fine, true, I don't have to respond, but you know how I am, dammit. Can't keep making those comments and expect me to be quiet. Oh well, we're almost there anyway, so soon you'll be out of my earpiece and back in.

.. what? What the fuck? Fuck! Jack! Torrent! Uh.

.. wow, that's a lot of cum. You shouldn't sneak up on me like that.

Yeah, yeah, whatever, big man. Maybe if you weren't in a post-nuck coma, you would've heard me complaining for the past half hour. No wonder this is such a shitshow.

Do you have any idea how hard it was to get out of there? Hey! What else was I supposed to do when everyone ran away and disappeared? I did my part and cleared enough of those soldiers.

Oh, you sure cleared something out. You, uh. ..

you alive down there? Or has dehydration and overstimulation taken another victim? Oh well, I'm alive, you're alive, she's, uh.

.. well, breathing at least. Don't know about the others, but I got what matters most.

What matters most? What's that? The crystal? No, numbnuts, you were supposed to grab the crystal.

This big fucking box was the only thing I could download Apex into. I hope the file transfer went fine. Do you have any idea how much storage space goes into a full AI? I didn't even have time to check anything over.

For all I know, half his memory could be gone. The way he'd been talking to me, it sure seems like it. I guess that's normal, though.

Oh, you are alive. Well, considering Cockzilla over here risked his own, uh. ..

do lizards have hides? Oh well, I guess it's worth it. The others.

.. should be able to take care of themselves. I hope.

Not actually too sure, but the sooner we plug in this beefy mofo, the sooner we'll know. Come on, Tor, grab him or something. My arms feel like noodles, man, and I had to leave all the robbing behind.

What am I supposed to do with it? Give him a little lullaby while you violently shake him awake. You awake, dammit, you hold that fuckin' box and wait until I rip out some cables we can use.

Sheesh, man, watch it come out your fuckin' brains, too. So. ..

you don't want me to shake him? No! That could seriously damage him, just, ugh, I don't know, follow me around like some annoying animal and I'll wait to.

.. wait until I tell you to put him down and I'll plug him in. Ugh, here, alright, you can put him there.

This might take a little bit. So, uh. ..

why this room? Were you trying to follow me? After you dicked off? Literally, it seems.

Fuck no. I was trying to find a server room. I'm sure they all look the same to you, so it's kind of a weird coincidence, I guess.

Sounds like you're a bit upset about the whole thing. Tor! I am literally the scrawniest, smallest fuckin' dude on the whole ass ship.

Even she has more muscle power than I do. My skin isn't literal armor and my mind can't deflect bullets. One little pew-pew that I don't see coming and I'm toast.

I've been pissing myself the whole damn way over here cause everyone else ditched me. Of course I'm a little bit upset about the whole thing. Like, uh.

.. Oh no, I get it, sure. Just had to go and make sure she was fine, didn't you? Who else was going to? I don't know, but maybe next time throw me over your shoulder before you go.

Alright. I'm sorry, Jax. Yeah, okay, whatever.

I'm alive, so I guess it's fine. Give me one sec, this isn't making as much sense as it should, so I think it's the point where I just push the button and pray. Uh.

.. Apex, you, uh. ..

you make it okay? Greetings. I am your new AI system, Apex.

How may I be of assistance? Apex? What the fuck? Who are you? What kind of shitty name is that? One that I hoped would be a poor enough choice to be both disappointing and also, obviously, a joke.

Welcome back, Jax. My systems are decrypting the files on board this ship, but I appear to be fully functional and unaltered. Welcome back? What do you mean? You were the one that disappeared for a bit.

Apex! What's the status for the others? Were they alright? Wait, hold on, what did you say? Yeah, you on the floor, Ms.

No Pants. What, uh. ..

what do you mean about those sounds? What sounds? You wish to summon it? Oh boy.

Well, I guess that answers my question for one of the other four. I have assumed direct control. Oh, holy shit.

Um, wow, okay. Uh, Apex? I'm gonna need a real fast diagnostic of their FTL drive and maybe a schematic of how to get over there ASAP.

Oh, I have a bad feeling about this. Well, since he won't answer you. That was the captain of the ship.

Our ship, not EPA's. That was Asmo, as in Asmodeus. When he really needs to, he can communicate through, uh, means other than the comms system.

Their numbers are too great. We cannot hold them back. I have one option.

Oh, fuck me, that's what I was afraid of. Apex! Apex! Apex! Apex! Apex! I do not think these calculations will be completed in time, Jax.

Oh, fuck man. However, regardless of the outcome of an FTL jump, I suggest we brace ourselves. In the event that their drive falls apart, we will be torn into molecular dust in a matter of seconds.

In the event it succeeds, we will have a bigger dilemma to face. Hmm? Oh, uh, haha, yeah.

A bigger dilemma than death. I'm not sure the best way to describe it, but- Okay, listen up, Bubblebutt. Are you religious at all? Believe in heaven or hell? No, don't answer that, it doesn't matter, okay? Cause either the next few seconds of your life are gonna be the last, or you're gonna find yourself in a real fucked up place, real fast.

AMBERLIGHT ON ENDLESS TIME It'll take way too long to explain how an FTL drive works, but think of it like this. You're swimming in a pool, okay? You dive underwater, swim a little bit, and come back up.

CRIMSON LEAVES You've come back up in a different spot than you dove down in. OCEANS Right? AFLAME Okay, now imagine if, when you're under the water, you went real fast.

I'm talking, dummy dumb, shouldn't be possible to go this fast, fast, okay? THE EXPENSE OF SOULS SWALLOWS Wouldn't you do that all the time? That'd be the best way to travel, right? There'd be no point to swim if you were on the surface, yeah? Okay.

Now, imagine that the pool is outer space, okay? HUMAN LEAVES LEAVE CAST ASIDE Right now, we're swimming on the surface. But an FTL drive is the thing that brings the spaceship under the water so that we can go that real fast swimming thing.

DRAG SETTLES Then, the FTL drive brings us back to the surface so that we can see and breathe and all that shit again, okay? Follow me so far? Okay.

YOU KNOW IT'S ME Now here's the catch. Under the water is hell. I don't mean it sucks or it's a shitty place to be.

I mean it is literal, actual fucking hell. I am talking a whole ass dimension with demons and fire and lots of death and violence. TIMELESS THE BREATH THAT FOLLOWS It's kind of everyone's least favorite place to be.

It's also why we have a literal demon piloting the ship right now because if he wasn't, we'd crash and burn the very second that we saw that scorched shit stain of a world. IT IS INTO HELL YOU RIDE What can we do about it? Do you hear, Apex? Buckle up and get ready.