Fucked In The Stables By Your New Fiancé

Transcript

I'm not here to cause any trouble. I've heard about the engagement, and I'm absolutely thrilled. I simply wish to pass on my congratulations in person.

I see. Well, then I'll take my leave, but please let them know that I. ..

Ah, there you are. Would you come down, and perhaps please let your butler know that you don't mind my being here? Assuming that you don't, that is.

No, I thought not. Well, there you are, old fellow. Now, you may take your leave.

I've got some catching up to do with my friend here. Off you trot. It's good to see you again.

Obstinate old bugger, isn't he? Where do you find a butler like that? Oh, no.

On the contrary, I rather like him. He clearly takes his responsibility to you seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, perhaps, but I suppose it's better than letting just anybody waltz in here, especially when they look as disheveled as I.

You're very sweet, but I know how I look. When I heard about the engagement, I rushed over as quickly as I could. Didn't have much time to tidy myself, I'm afraid.

Anyway, never mind about my terrible bedhead. There are more important things to talk about. Shall we go for a turn around the garden? It's been a while since I've seen that lake of yours.

I'd love to see how that flock of swans is coming. Very good. Lead the way.

Ah, love this place. Such fond memories. It's been a long time.

Looks just the same as it always did, though. Even the topiary, the exact same style. You still using the same gardener? God, she must be getting on now.

I'm surprised she can still get about the place, but I suppose a job like this would keep you fit. You remember that tree there? That's the one where we kept climbing up it and annoying your father.

It has that formation of branches forming a cradle up at the top, so once you got up to there you could lie in it and stay up there for hours. There was enough room for both of us up there, back when we were kids. You remember when I fell from that tree and thought I'd broken my leg? You had to drag me back up to the house, only for the nurse to tell me a twig had slid up my trousers.

I probably only fell about six feet. Felt like infinity back then. We were lucky our families were as close as they were for a while.

I've such good memories of playing here with you. I'd say it's a shame you were never allowed at mine, but it was hardly the most comfortable place. No, I don't think I would have been embarrassed.

Kids don't think about things like that. But it would have been funny to see someone dressed up like you always were, trampling around in the mud and the shit on my parents' farm. I'm glad to be out of there now, although the city is filled with a whole different sort of shit.

Some might say an even worse kind, though I think it would be terribly hypocritical for me to say that. Anyway, enough about me. You're getting engaged, that's the news of the day.

That's what we should be talking about. How did that all come about, then? Well, it's been a while, you know, since we last spoke.

I feel we drifted a little. I didn't even know you were looking for someone, or that you'd found one that you liked. I was surprised to hear it from the barman down at the pub.

Oh yes, I'm back home at the village for the moment, visiting my parents, just for a few days. It's quite the coincidence that I happen to be here on the day of your engagement, if I'd still been up at this city. I wouldn't have known about it at all, unless you were planning on sending me a telegram, but it seems unlikely.

No, forgive me, I didn't mean to sound snippy. Like I said, we've drifted a little. Regretfully, it would be completely normal for you not to inform me, I suppose.

I've certainly no kind of right to be informed. You know, I'm not sure why, but the words coming out of my mouth just aren't making the sounds I want them to. I'm sounding all sort of confrontational.

I don't mean to be like that. This should be a happy day, shouldn't it? I'm very happy for you.

Yes, of course I am. I've no reason to lie. But although we may have lost touch, I still think of you as a dear, dear friend.

And when your friend gets engaged, you're supposed to be happy for them. That's the way it is. And so I am.

I'm sure you are too, yes? You must be thrilled. You're not? Why is that? Are you nervous about it? I'm sure I'd be nervous too if I were in your position, but I'm sure if you really like this person, if you love them, then it will all come good.

What is there to be nervous about? Oh, it's not nerves. Okay, well, then is it the idea of being married itself, the concept of it? I have sometimes thought myself that being locked in to something like that would be a little off-putting, shall we say, but you know, actually forget I said that.

That's the last thing you need to hear if you're having second thoughts. I'm sure you're certain of it deep down, yes? Oh, that's.

.. But if you weren't looking for someone and you didn't want to get married, oh my goodness, this person you're engaged to really must be quite special to have changed your mind about both those things, unless I'm getting completely the wrong end of the stick, which. ..

Well, that's more than likely. I'm not overly familiar with the finer points of marriage and relationships, not something I have had that much personal experience in. Always the best man, never the groom.

That's me. So. ..

Well, sorry, what is it exactly? What's the matter? Oh.

Hmm. I see. I'm sorry to hear that.

Truly, I was under the impression that arranged marriages were falling rather out of fashion in recent years. Not quite the done thing anymore. But then, your father was always the old-fashioned sort.

I suppose I can't be that surprised that that's what he'd end up doing. My word. Tell me, did he give you much warning, or was this sort of sprung on you? What I mean is, did he give you an ultimatum of some kind? You must get married within a year or I will pick someone for you, that sort of thing.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you laugh when we are talking about something so serious, but I couldn't resist trying to get an impression of your father in there. He is such a character. I'm glad I haven't lost it.

But, yes, did I. .. Is that about right, now, the ultimatum? Was that what happened? Hmm.

And, well, then I assume you didn't find anyone in the time period that he gave you, or did you not look? No. Okay.

Well, I understand. I'm not sure I'd be particularly fond of being forced to find a decent relationship, and with a deadline to boot. Hardly the sort of environment in which romance flourishes, wouldn't you say? Hmm.

But what's obvious to you, and I, clearly isn't to your father. And no surprise, the number of wives he's taken. Rancid old brute.

Forgive me. Probably shouldn't insult your father right in front of you like that, but I really can't stand that man. Especially not now I know he's put you through all of this.

It's not right. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, my friend. It's not what I was expecting when I came here.

I thought I'd have to celebrate with you, not. .. Oh.

Do you know what you're going to do? Are you just going to go through with it, or do you have something else in mind? Hmm.

I understand. Of course, it would be very difficult to go against a parent like that. I'm not sure I'd have the guts to do it myself.

I am lucky that that's never been tested of me. I just. ..

I wish I could help in some way, beyond storming up to the house and trying to put your father in his place. But I'm not sure that's the right way to go about things. That would probably just cause you more trouble and anguish.

As I thought, is there anything I could do? Anything at all? I really want nothing more than to help you through, you know? It would be terrible for me to know that you were going through with something like this even though you didn't want to, so anything that comes to mind, anything at all?

I do wish I could find someone better for you. Someone more well-suited. Alas, nobody comes to mind.

Everybody I know these days are, well, you know, unpleasant, capitalistic city folk and undeserving of you. Well, except. ..

No, actually, never mind. That person is even more undeserving. No, please, trust me.

I was going to say something very silly, and now definitely isn't the time for silliness. I don't want to give you even more to think about. I just want to help you and take the load off, not add more to it.

Okay, okay. Well, I was just going to say. ..

Man, I warned you this was silly, but what about me? I'm glad you're not laughing immediately. Yes, me, as a replacement for your betrothed, I mean.

I hope you don't think it's too presumptuous of me, but I just thought. .. Well, I'm an old friend of yours, aren't I? Someone you trust, I hope? And I would be more than willing to be a stand-in for you, that you might stave off your pushy father until you're able to find someone you actually want to be with.

Yes, quite so. I would be happy for you to tell him that you cancelled your engagement with this other person and replaced them with me, even if it were not true. I'd go along with it.

Ask your father for his blessing, even, despite the fact that the thought of asking anything politely of that vile man is painful to me. I'm glad you agree he is awful. But then once he's calmed down and believes you are engaged, hopefully he will stop bothering you and you can go on with your life for a bit.

Eventually find someone at your own pace, rather than being pushed into a marriage you don't want. Or maybe not finding anybody at all, if you do not wish to. I'd keep up the ruse as long as necessary.

Yes, it's not a bad idea, actually, isn't it? I thought it was rather silly at first, but the more I think about it, the more I realise I rather like it. What can I say? The thought of fooling your father like that has great appeal to me.

That and, well, it'd be quite nice to play pretend with you again. Reminiscent of the old days, perhaps. Oh, you have a better idea? An even better idea than that? Well, go on, let's hear it.

I'd be quite surprised if you really did have a better idea, but by all means. Erm, sorry, what do you mean, for real? Is that some kind of hip new lingo going around in socialite circles? That sort of thing rather goes over my head, I'm afraid.

Oh, very good. Yes, actually, getting engaged to each other. Can you imagine? That'd be very funny.

Although, perhaps a little too far to take a joke like this, don't you think? All of that ceremony and paperwork just to fool your father. I'm not sure it would be necessary.

Right, yes, a very funny joke, but it was funnier the first time and, you know, I suspect if you tell it to me again, I won't find it funny at all. Such is the nature of comedy. Hmm, right.

You see, as I suspected, that wasn't funny at all. Are you being serious? Do you think we should actually get engaged? Why would we do that? Oh, no, goodness, no, I mean, aside from the awkwardness and the dreadful practicalities of it, I must say I quite like the idea.

Yes, honestly, if you're being serious about it, then, well, I should be serious too, shouldn't I? So I should tell you that being engaged to you would be wonderful. In fact, it would be the fulfilment of a dream I've had for quite a while now.

Yes, you weren't joking and so nor am I. You know, I've always thought about you in that way. I mean, not necessarily when we were kids, but I knew I felt very strongly for you even back then.

And now, as an adult, well, nothing has really compared to you. The last time we saw each other, when I was a young man, headed into the city to make something of my life, I said to myself, Vazmid, it might be hard, but now's the time to move on. Your lives don't align, you're just some farmer's son with aspirations.

You can't be with the heir to one of the largest fortunes in the country, that would be absurd. But dash those ideas. I met plenty of people in the city, and none that came anywhere close to you.

None that I felt as strongly as I ever did. I don't know why I let those stupid thoughts hold me back in the past, before I moved away. And forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth, but it seems as though you might have been in exactly the same situation if you're so keen to get engaged to me now.

Well then, by golly, let's do it. To hell with expectations, to hell with the restrictions of our background. I don't care about those things anymore.

I love you, and there's nothing your father can do to stop me from loving you. I love you. I think I've always loved you.

And if we were to become engaged, I think I'd be the happiest man in the world. Would you do me the honour? I want to say that this isn't what I was expecting to come of today, but that would be a lie.

Part of me was hopeful that this is exactly what would happen. Yeah, you know I didn't come here with the intention of breaking up your engagement and stealing you away all for myself. I didn't even properly think about it.

I just knew I had to see you, and that if I didn't before this all went ahead then I would have been kicking myself forever. Oh, you have no idea. I don't think I could possibly have lived with that regret.

It would have been unbearable, letting you slip out of my grasp like that, knowing that what I truly wanted in my heart of hearts could never come to be. God, even thinking about it now makes me nervous. I should stop thinking about it.

There are greater difficulties to face now. Oh no, God, not being engaged to you. That's no difficulty.

What I'm talking about is telling your father. I'm really not looking forward to that. Well, you know what he's like.

Hot-headed. Judgemental. I know he doesn't like me.

That's very sweet of you, but you don't need to try to make me feel better about it with untruths. I know how he feels. I always got the impression, even when we were kids, that he would much prefer you to be playing with virtually anybody else.

Yes, and now I have to tell him that I want to marry you, despite the fact that you are already engaged to be married. And, hell's bells, I hadn't even thought about this. What about your existing fiancé? It's only just occurred to me that one of us is going to have to tell them as well.

How on earth are we going to do that? Yes, I'd probably say that it would be better coming to them from you. I think if I were to walk up to your fiancé and tell them that I'm stealing you from them, well, I don't really want to imagine what might happen.

Yes.