🚨 ⛓️‍💥 Fuck the Police ⛓️‍💥🚨 (F4M) (Petty Thief x Newbie Cop)

Transcript

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Does ouch mean something else in your language? Because in mine it means ouch.

Not a gentleman, not a gentleman whatsoever, thank you. Does no one know how to treat a criminal nowadays? Yes, thank you, I can get myself into the cell just nicely.

Uh, you're supposed to take the handcuffs off. Hello? Mother- are you serious? Come back here and untie me.

You can't do this, I have rights. Possibly. Oh, am I kidding? No, I don't.

I mean, why would I be back in here again if I had rights? I swear, these things get smaller and smaller every time. You know, one of these days the HR reports are going to be taken seriously.

And then where will you be? Oh wait, still in positions of power because what does it matter? Hello? This really starting to hurt now.

You mother- hey. Fantastic, and you? You are a newbie.

Well, I've never seen you before and you look, well, new. I'm in a little pickle. I mean, besides the fact that I'm in jail, obviously.

Well, Bucko over there thinks it's hilarious to keep me in chains because, you know, obviously he's a comedy mastermind. My wrist, however, is turning black, so not so funny from where I'm standing. You wouldn't buy any chance.

Look, I understand you don't want to get in trouble, but I also don't want to lose my arm, so. .. Please? Thanks.

And I'm really sorry. Not so funny now, is it, Bucko? I have your little man here, all wrapped around these very tight cuffs, and if you don't start taking me seriously, something really bad could happen.

You're the guard in charge tonight, so whatever happens, it's your fault. Do you really want to get in trouble, Bucko? No.

And untie my hands. Or I could just, you know, squeeze. Thank you.

No. Give him the key. Because he's new and shiny, and you are an old rotten apple.

You can go away now. I want to have a talk with the new me. Go now, or I cause you so much trouble that your hairline recedes even farther.

Mm-hmm. Nice, Bucko. Now, where were we? Oh, yes.

Would you mind untying this? I'm sorry about the theatrics. Comes with the territory.

Well, you know what they say. If you can't beat them, bamboozle them. Well, at least that's what they say where I'm from.

My name's T. What's yours, fresh face? Well, there's a face that matches the name.

You know, dewy, cherub-faced, and stupid. Well, I mostly mean it as a compliment. You're gonna have to be stupid to become a cop.

Especially if your intentions are good. Oh, sweetie, that is sad but noble. You want to make a difference.

Become an influencer, not a cog in a shitty machine. Let me guess. Your dad was a cop? No.

An injustice was brought upon you when you were very small, and now you're a big boy facing the big bad. I'm a good guesser. Mostly because I'm a good seer.

Well, growing up poor, you don't really have a choice but to become observant. Can't afford not to, you see. But we weren't talking about me, were we? We were talking about the little bitty new face policeman.

Face policeman? So shiny and full of indoctrination, propaganda. I always forget which phrase is applicable.

Well, you know, when you're brought up with an ideology of the good will prevail, and you and the smallest person can make the biggest difference. It's a nice story. Not much else.

Well, I do kind of admire you. And the way that you admire a three-legged dog. You know, it looks stupid, but its heart's in the right place.

Apologies, but I'm not one for sugarcoating. Or blowing smoke up one's ass. Although you are pretty cute.

Especially from the usual riffraff that's in here. Old sweaty men with old sweaty hands. If they're not slapping you or leaving your cuffs on, they're, uh.

.. Well, they're putting their hands where they shouldn't. Thank you.

Well, I know I didn't give you much choice, but, uh. .. You were going to loosen these anyway, weren't you? Honestly, mostly as a safety precaution.

I don't know you. You could have been yanking my chain. I mean, most literally.

And when it comes to cops or people in positions of authority, I find it's best to err on the side of caution. But even if you turn out to be a bastard, I appreciate you starting out as well-intentioned. Well, if you plan on sticking around here, I imagine, uh.

.. I'll become one of your regulars. Because I, good sir, am nothing but a humble thief.

Well, I tried soliciting for a while, but then I realized my customer service skills were not up to scratch, so. .. My hands became idle things for the devil to play with.

Or, you know, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy who appreciates that. .. Life is hard, and who cares if we're stealing from million-dollar companies? Of course, I'm not a savage.

No independent businesses or sole traders are involved. Just, you know, Starbucks and those other places. Mostly traffic intervention.

You know, we know a guy who knows a guy who's working on the trucks. We swoop in, we tie him up, everything's fine. He's free to go.

We steal from the big boys. We ironically steal from everybody else, and I know, I know. ..

Everyone's tired of hearing it, but that doesn't mean it's not true. Having said all that, I'm also self-aware enough to realize I can't do a normal nine-to-five. Well, one, I'm lazy, and two, I don't have a high school education, so.

.. I mean, I do, I just didn't go to a high school. I was, uh, homeschooled.

In a cult who worshiped Satan. Truth is stranger than fiction. One thousand percent sincere.

My mother and father believed that Satan will rise again, and the year will begin as year one, and all the sinners and the false gods. .. Something-something burn, brimstone, death, and we'll be saved.

Excuse me, they'll be saved. You and I, fresh face, will burn, burn, burn. We'll burn, burn, burn.

I left when they tried to marry me to a man called Gerald, who was 63. That was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. The Satan thing, I was kind of like, uh, it's different, but it's all I've really known, so.

.. Meh. I just left, and I went from place to place, and then I met other people who were also running away from, you know, family, life, drugs, people trying to do things to them, and.

.. We just thought, well, we don't have a base or a foundation, let's just. ..

Make the most of it. Ergo, we are humble thieves. And would you believe how quickly you just got me to talk about myself? Not bad, newbie.

I'm as impressed as I am annoyed. Not bad, newbie. I'm as impressed as I am annoyed, which is.

.. Slightly. Must be that fresh face of yours.

Well, and the fact that you haven't tried to grope me or slap me, so. .. You know.

Ten points to Gryffindor. I'm a thief, I'm not an alien. Yes, I know what Harry Potter is.

Are you kidding me? I love wizards. And that Avada Kedavra curse would really come in handy.

Oh, would you look at that? My head's bruising already. New record.

I like to fiddle with the cuffs. You okay if I keep these? I get switchy and.

.. I like to fiddle with them. Thanks.

So what big bad thing happened to you when you were a kid? Too early for trauma dumping? No.

I never understood that. I mean, yeah, I get it, don't go up to random strangers and be like, hey, my dad diddled my fiddle, or whatever, but. ..

I don't know. I don't know. Diddled my fiddle, or whatever, but.

.. How else are you supposed to be a person if you don't talk about what happens to people? If your answer to everything is just, yeah, good, you.

.. What a deep, meaningful conversation we're having. Uh, no, surprisingly, you don't get a lot of deep, meaningful conversations in here.

Not from Bucko, or Steve, or Ron, or John, or Flawn. No, I do call one of them Flawn. Because his hair kind of looks like one of those creme brulees when he's in the shower.

No, I do call one of them Flawn. Because his hair kind of looks like one of those creme brulees when it goes wrong in the oven and it just collapses, you know? Again, I'm poor, I came from a cult, I am not an alien.

I do know what a creme brulee is, motherfucker. It's like a Flawn, or some other fancy dessert that. ..

You know, I've never eaten, but I've had a Twinkie, I'm cultured. Ah, so here comes another observant question. If I've been a thief for so long, why do I keep getting caught? What? Well, does this answer your question? I'm Tee, the one-legged thief.

And this plank of wood? This is the latest model where I come from. Yeah, you remember that cult I was in? Well, when they found out I did not want to marry Gerald, they decided they would make sure I couldn't get away.

They had no idea I was such a fantastic hopper. Uh, no, they hacked it off with an axe. We didn't have a lot of electrical goods where I grew up, so chainsaws were out.

Meh, I've gotten used to my stump. Besides, it made me grow up in a lot of ways. Well, when you're a one-legged ex-cult survivor, you need to learn to use all your senses.

Especially your intuition. That is a vital piece of mental equipment. That is a vital piece of mental equipment.

You don't have to be sorry. Unfortunately, that's my role. No, I really am sorry.

You seem nice. Or maybe more importantly, decent. I know, I know, but I'm not really gonna get another opportunity like this, so chain to the bars you must be, and yes, I am swiping this key, and yes, you are gonna have to stay here, but Bucko will be back soon enough, and no real harm will be done, so you know, just, it all cancels it out.

Look, my friends are never gonna be able to pay my bail, so really, this is just pragmatism. I'm sure you won't be able to understand, but know that I enjoy talking to you. Probably would like to do more with you, to be honest, but uh, we don't have the time, and uh, well, it's not exactly a romantic place, is it?

But I'm sure, given my penchant for petty theft, and my wonderful absence of a limb, we'll be seeing each other. I just tied you to a cell bar, and you're still saying sorry? What are you sorry for? You don't have to be sorry for me.

Feel sorry for yourself, sweetheart. Well, if you stay here for any length, you're gonna need some self-pity. And a little less naivete.

Though in this instance, I do appreciate it.