F*ck Me Mountain Man

Transcript

Listen, I'll be fine. I've been in the woods before. It'll be okay.

I promise, I'll be safe. Why do I have to worry about the big bad wolf? I'll see you when I get back.

Fuck, it's cold out. I thought it'd be much warmer than this. I should have brought a sweater.

I knew collecting wood for a bonfire isn't a one-person job. I guess I should have taken up the help when it was offered. Great, headlights.

Maybe I can see if they can help me take this wood back to the cabin. Or if they have a blanket, that'd be great too. Uh, sorry to bother you.

Um, do you think you could help me out? I got a little too big for my britches and could use an extra hand with all this wood. Thank you so much.

I'm Tiffany. Nice to meet you. Oh yeah, an axe would be great.

I've just been collecting twigs and dead wood. I'm not much of a wilderness person, can you tell? Oh no, I insist.

You can do the chopping and I'll do the picking up and putting it in your truck. Sound good? Yeah, I don't live around here.

I live a little ways up north. A couple of friends and I came down for a girls' getaway. The ad made it look much less feral.

We were craving more glamping, but it's fine. We'll survive. We have enough fireball to kill a bear, so.

.. What do you do? No shit.

What's the fucking chance? That explains the axe in your car. Good to know you're more Paul Bunyan than Patrick Bateman.

Yeah, that should be good. I think the alcohol's gonna warm us up enough that we won't really notice if the fire dies down anyway. Thank you for your help.

Let me grab your number. It's probably best that I have it, just in case. Always good to know at least one local, you know, in case there's a wild bobcat cougar attack.

I'm sorry, I really don't know much about the wilderness. Awesome. I'll call you if I need you.

Bye. Hey! Uh, no, now's not a bad time.

My friends actually just headed to town. Wanted to pick up some takeout. Couldn't handle roughing it as well as I do.

Yeah, we could use some more wood. Thank you. You can just put it near the fireplace.

Then we won't have to move it very far. Sorry, I just assumed you wanted to stay for a bit. Do you want a drink? We have beer, tea, and for some reason, sake.

Or water. We also have water. Beer it is.

My kind of man. Oh, I'm a beer fanatic. What's your preference? Lager? Ale? IPA? Good choice.

Here you go. So, did you just happen to be in this part of the wilderness? Or did you decide to be a good mountain man and bring some clueless damsels some much-needed lumber? That's what I thought.

Well, thank you, again. And cheers to you. Yeah, it's been pretty nice.

The lack of high-speed internet has really pushed us to do some good old-fashioned bonding. It's been good. I see why you live out here.

It's so different from the city. Yeah, it hasn't been all partying. Lots of really deep talks.

There's something about the mountain air that makes you want to have those conversations. I think it's because we're not in a rush. There's no meeting to get to, no bus we have to catch.

It just feels different. Oh, trust me, there has been a lot of drinking. I think 20% of my liver is dead now, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

Do you have friends out here? I'm sorry, that was probably overstepping. You honestly do not have to answer that.

That's good. I didn't even realize there was a bar nearby. My friends are probably there right now.

They can sniff out a good time from a mile away. Food can wait, but drinks can't. Or dick.

Sorry, I'm still in girl talk mode. No, it's fine. You look great.

I don't usually dress this nice in the forest. We were just taking photos for the insta. If strangers on the internet don't see you're having a good time, are you even having a good time? Yeah, I'm more of a leggings and sweater kind of person.

I don't know, I just kind of pick up clothes randomly. Cross my fingers they work together. Yeah, we haven't been able to get it lit.

Three degrees between us and yet none of us can start a fireplace. That'd be great, thank you. Here, I'll hold your beer.

Uh yeah, it's pear. Not a very woodsy scent, but it's been my favorite perfume since I was 22. What about you? Don't think I don't smell your cologne? What is it, oak? That's fitting.

Yeah, I'm watching. Okay, very specific way you have to lay the wood. Did not think it would be this complicated.

I certainly didn't learn this in the Girl Scouts. Uh yeah, I have a lighter right here. Stop laughing, it is not mine.

I do not own a dick-shaped lighter. My friend brought it with her. That'd be funny, which you clearly agree with.

And look, it worked, it did its job, so if I could have it back, that'd be great. Thank you. Wow, you're really good at that.

It's almost like it's your job or something. Yes, I know it's not technically part of your job description, but it'd be pretty embarrassing if a lumberjack couldn't start a fire. I mean, I just assume you know everything to do with wood.

No, I've never been camping. I mean, I have, but probably not your definition of camping. Everywhere I've gone has had running water and working toilets, which I feel like you think is cheating.

It can't possibly be enjoyable. I can't go two days without taking a shower. I don't know how anyone can survive a week.

Yeah, I guess it's peaceful, but I just can't picture it. Some people are country people and some people are city people, and sometimes those two people can meet and have a lovely time drinking beer together by an amazingly built fire. I'm glad I met you.

There aren't any people like you in the city. I think if I asked a finance bro to build me a fire, he would spontaneously combust. Which would still get the job done.

Yeah, it is getting late. Thank you for keeping me company. You're welcome for the beer.

I'll see you around. Come on. Answer the door.

It's freezing out here. I can see my breath. Hey, uh, yeah, it's the only other cabin within a two-mile radius, so I kind of figured it was yours.

Can I come in? I'm kind of freezing my tits off, so it'd be much appreciated. Plus, I brought whiskey.

I mean, it's cheap, so it's not great, but it's still technically whiskey. Yeah, everything's fine. I just, um, I felt bad.

You've done so much for me, and beer in a subpar conversation didn't seem like a great trade-off. Thank you. Uh, yeah, you can take my coat.

Fuck, your cabin is so much warmer than ours. Do you have glasses? I mean, of course you have glasses.

How else would you drink? Here's the shitty whiskey. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to.

Honestly, I might puke if I drink any more of it. I really just brought it to get it out of my cabin. Yeah, I walked.

Not the safest, I know. Might have heard a bear, but I'm hoping he was more of the teddy kind rather than cocaine. I am keeping you up.

I'm so sorry. My internal clock has been fucked lately. Lots of sleepless nights and late wake-ups.

You're probably used to getting up at four in the morning. You should probably be in bed right now. And you probably were, before I came over like a bitch and ruined your beauty sleep.

That is my bad. Sometimes when you're on vacation, you forget that other people aren't. I can head back to my cabin and leave you to enjoy your peace and quiet.

It'll be fine. I managed to make my way here. I think I can make it back.

Uh, sure. If you have any good whiskey, we can share a drink before I head out. Oh, thank God.

Yeah, scotch would be great. Thank you. Oh, so much better than cinnamon.

No, I'm not gonna make you walk me home. You were in bed less than 20 minutes ago, and you should still be there right now. I promise I'm tougher than I look.

I took self-defense classes in college. I'm pretty sure I'm the most dangerous creature in the woods right now. Stop laughing, I'm serious.

I'm a fighter. I could kick some serious ass if given the chance. I just haven't been given the chance.

Oh, the big strong man doesn't think the dainty little girl can put up a fight? Get over yourself. I hold my own.

Okay, fine. I'll stay here for the night. Or at least until sunrise, if that'll make you feel better.

Besides, this couch is really fucking comfortable. Sit down. Finish your drink with me.

Then we can both head to bed and get a full four hours. God, you make a horrible pillow. You're all muscle.

It's like laying on a log. Ironic. Don't look at me like that.

You chose a hands-on profession. Now reap the negatives. Okay, the rubbing on my back is nice.

Holy shit, you have a lot of calluses. Do you even moisturize? Okay, I'll let you get some sleep.

Hope you don't snore. Alright, alright, goodnight. Hey.

Hey. Wake up. No, you weren't snoring.

I just couldn't sleep and you were lying on my arm. It's okay. You can go to your bed.

I'll probably just chill on the couch until it's light out. No, I insist. It's your cabin, your bed.

It is way too late, or too early, to argue about this. Stop trying to be a gentleman and just get some actual sleep. Besides, this couch was not made to fit two people comfortably.

I don't think any couch is made to sleep two people comfortably. I'm not being stubborn, I just feel bad. You keep doing all these things for me and I have done nothing for you except bring you cheap whiskey.

I know you don't expect anything in return, but that makes me want to do it even more. You've been nothing but nice and I've just been a needy bitch. And now you're wide awake, great.

So I have managed to be more of a hindrance than help. Love that for me. No, I'm not cold.

Seriously, you do not need to start a fire. I can always put my jacket back on and you're going to start one anyway. Do you need the dick lighter? No, you have your own? Okay.

You know, you can always warm me up if you're so worried. They say that body heat is the best form of heat. Who says that? Scientists? Probably.

Don't question it, just come over here. Wow. You're a mountain man, your lips are quite soft.

You feel so good between my thighs. Feels like we both have a little too much clothing between us though. Let me just take off our shirts.

Now for your pants. Oh, fuck yeah. Such a handsome cock.

Feels so good in my hand. Feels so good in my hand. You want me to go faster? Yeah, take off my pants, just pull my panties to the side.

Your tongue feels so good against my clit. Oh, baby. Baby, slow down a bit, I need to catch my breath.

Baby, please wait. Wait, please. Baby.

Baby, don't stop. I know I've made such a mess. Let me clean it up.

I taste so good on your lips. Now sit back. Let me see if I can make you feel just as good.

Let me see if I can make you feel just as good. Oh, baby. Baby, from the moment I met you I hoped this would happen.

I was pretty sure you could hear all the blood rushing through my body. It seemed so loud in my head. I craved you, sir.

Mm. I thought this would happen earlier when you came to my cabin. But I'm so glad it's here.

Less chance of an interruption. Mm. I love the way you bite my nipple.

Yeah, suck on my tits while I stroke you. Mm. Mm.

Just wait. Don't come yet. Yeah, rip off my panties.

Fuck, you're so fucking hard. I can't stand it. I can't wait to finally feel you inside of me.

Yes, bend me over on the couch and fuck me from behind. Yeah, I'm so wet for you. I'm so ready to feel your cockslide into me.

To feel every inch of you filling me just right. Mm. Oh, yeah, I'm ready.

You don't have to be gentle. I've never been so wet. Your dick is gonna slide into my tight pussy so well.

Yes, I'm ready. Stop asking me. I'm not some delicate flower for you to carefully pluck.

I'm a weed that needs to be ripped from the ground. Oh, that feels so fucking good. You feel so big inside of me.

I can't stand it. I love it so much. You're not all the way in? Fuck.

Yes, give me more. I can handle it. Give me all of your cock right now.

Yes, give me more. Go a little slower. Fuck, you're so big.

You feel so good in my tight pussy. It's like I was made for you. Oh.

Oh, fuck yes. Fuck me just like that. I was imagining this on my walk over here.

But I never pictured it feeling this fucking good. Oh. Yes, fuck me harder.

Oh, baby, give it to me harder. Oh, you feel so fucking good. Oh, don't ever stop.

Yes, reach around to my pussy. Oh, rub my clit just like that. Oh.

Oh, fuck, that feels so good. Yes, dirty talk me just like that. That turns me on so much.

Oh. Oh, fuck yes. Pull my hair.

Yes, call me your little slut. Your little city slut. Yes.

Oh. Yes, fuck me, you mountain man. Fuck me so hard the entire woods can hear.

Oh. Let's switch positions. I want to get on top now.

Let me repay you for all the favors you've done for me. Yes, come for me, baby. I want to take all your load.

I want to feel it pouring out of me. Oh. Yeah, let me ride it out of you.

When you come, I want you to shoot it onto my face and tits. I want to go back to my cabin covered in your cum. Oh.

Yeah, you like it when I ride your dick? You like how I make you feel? Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah, squirt it all over me. Let me taste it. Mmm.

You taste so fucking good. Oh. I love the feeling of your cum spraying on my skin.

Oh. Fuck. I think we woke up the entire wilderness.

I can hear the birds outside. Shit, it's light out already? How do I feel? Fucking exhausted.

It's been a while since I've ridden dick like that. Actually, I don't think I've ever ridden dick like that. I should probably head back to my cabin.

My friends wanted to do a morning hike, and if I'm not there, I think they'll call the authorities and report me missing. I've survived on less sleep back home all the time. I think my body actually works better the less sleep it has.

Maybe not in the long run, but that's for future me to worry about. Okay, we can lay here for a few more minutes. But that's only because I don't think all the feeling has returned to my legs yet.

Did you have lumberjack duties you have to get up to later? Yeah, that's what I thought. Duty's always a-callin'.

Well, maybe we'll see you on our hike. I'll wave at you once we get to the top. Maybe you'll see me.

And maybe, after the hike is finished, we can go to that bar you were telling me about earlier. I can buy you a proper glass of whiskey. How does that sound? Sounds like a date.

Well, that's good. Because that's exactly what it is. You up for it? Great.

Pick me up at six? Alright, then it's a date. I hope the bar has pool, because I will so kick your ass if they do.

Oh, they do? Okay. Better prepare your concession speech now.

Now, I am not a graceful winner.