Fake Dating Your Worst Enemy

Transcript

Yo, uh, what drink did you want me to buy again? Okay, what do you sound so pissed for? Oh, I'm bothering you.

Aw, I'm so sorry. Aw, boo hoo. Okay, who was it that asked me to buy them a drink? Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, shut up. Okay, whatever, they're out of, um, whatever the hell you were telling me to buy, okay? Yes, I triple checked.

Yup, the one by the entrance. Yes, I even asked the lady, sales lady woman. Alright, um, you want anything else, your highness? Okay, alright buddy.

Okay, go eat a bean or something. Okay, it's not that funny. Okay, alright, alright, whatever, whatever, whatever.

La la la, can't hear you, la la la la. What's up? Okay, wait, give me a sec, just let me catch my breath.

Okay, you're not the one who had to walk up like 20 flights of stairs. Give me one second. Why'd you want to meet up here, anyway? What's up? Okay, what's this about a mixer? Mm-hmm, yeah, I know them.

They're the one that, uh, yeah, I saw them like a few months ago, I guess. What about them? Okay.

This Friday? You're going out this Friday? Alright, why are you telling me any of this? Yes, I can keep a secret, I'm not 12.

Just spill it, okay? We do not have time to be talking like this. Yes, go.

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm—you're being serious, like actually serious. Oh my god. Okay, hold up, let me get this straight, okay? So your friend, the one that I met like a few months ago, okay? They asked you if you would want to go to a mixer, okay? First of all, that's not even your thing.

Second of all, if it is, I had no idea. Um, hold up, let me finish. So you told them that you would be down to go to a mixer, okay? And—hold up, let me finish.

You told them that you were gonna bring your very existent boyfriend. Okay, um, right. So I'm really just trying to wrap my head around this.

You being like the intelligent human being that you are, just up in— So now, now, you want me to fill in and pretend like I am your boyfriend. Is that what you're trying to say? Oh my god.

Okay. Wow. First things first, what made you think that I would agree? And second things second, don't they know me? Yes, I told you I met with them, like, there's not a chance that you don't tell them every single minute that you hate my guts.

And by the way, I hate yours too. I'm just saying, they know that you don't like me. What, is this like some sort of like enemies-to-lovers thing? No, no, no, I'm not doing that, no, no.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Each day you remind me of how much— I'm not even gonna say it.

You're annoying, okay? Sometimes you're annoying. Okay? And you're funny, and yadda yadda yadda, okay? You're cool, whatever, but, come on.

You really don't think that this is gonna work? Alright, okay, slow it down, okay? Slow it down.

Look, I get you, okay? I get you. Okay, I have had experience myself, okay? I have had to pretend like I had a date going to a mixer because I didn't want to, like, disappoint my friend or something, okay?

I get that, I do. But in my humble and also very real experience, it has never gone down right, okay? It has never gone down okay.

So like, while the iron is hot, you might as well strike it and say, you know, look, I actually don't have a date. Dude, they're your friend. Why wouldn't they understand? Okay.

Okay. Just let me think, okay? Let me think.

Alright. If I'm gonna do this, if, if I'm gonna do this, what's in it for me? I'm being serious.

What's in it for me? Oh, oh, okay, so you thought I was just gonna waste my Friday night going to a mixer? No, no, even if I was interested, no, not with you, not in a million years.

Your begging is not gonna change my mind. Why couldn't it have been like anyone else? Okay, to be fair, they're like 80, 90 years old.

But no, no, never, never. Never, never in a million years would I ever, even if you were the last person alive, I would never, ever go on a date. Why am I here? Dude, you owe me breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I don't know, okay? I don't know why I'm here. Just, just stop.

Have you ever been to a mixer before? This is your first? Oh my god.

I mean, yeah, this is like my second time. I have no idea what's going on. Alright.

Okay, um, do I just stay here, sitting pretty, waving? Do I, like, flirt up with other people? Right, okay, yeah, I'm your boyfriend.

Right, cool. Come on, let's just get out of here. It's fine.

I mean, is it gonna hurt anyone if we leave early? I mean, we're a thing, right? You showed up.

Your friend is happy. We've been here for like five minutes, and that is five minutes more than I can take. I'm gonna walk out of here, and I'm gonna be like, Oh, you cheated on me, and I am sick of you.

I am sick of the way you brush your teeth or something. Please, can we just get out of here? Please? Okay.

Sorry. I'm gonna stop whining. Look at them over there, though.

Yeah. You see that? Yeah, the one at the end of the table.

Yeah, the human body is interesting in many, many ways. Do you know that guy? Yeesh.

How do you even do that? Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna stop laughing. Okay. I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay.

I'm sorry. Just like, what? Why are you even inhaling each other? You might as well, like, combine into one.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Sorry.

Sorry. Don't mind me, I guess. Sorry if I've been really whiny.

I don't know if it's this really good apple juice that I'm drinking, but sorry if I've been whiny. I just, I don't have, like, really good experiences with mixers and, you know, just these general situations, I guess. No, no.

It's fine. It's fine. Okay.

Look. Okay. Look.

I'm rude and I say a lot of messed up things, but I'm not an a-hole, okay? At least, I don't think so. So if.

.. Alright. Thanks.

So if this is something that really means a lot to you, then it's whatever. We can. ..

We can stay here as long as you want. I said we can stay here as long as you want. Are you deaf? I said we can stay here for as long as you want.

Okay? Gun. Give me your ear for a sec.

No, I just have to whisper something. You look really good, by the way. You're welcome.

You wanna get out of here? Yeah? More than down.

Alright. Let's go. It's fine.

Look at them. They're barely gonna notice if we leave. It's fine.

Alright. Let's go. Sure.

How long did you say they were gonna stay there for? Okay. Did they pay for like an extension? Yeah, there's like an hourly thing for this one.

If they don't pay the extension, they're gonna get kicked out. They don't pay it? I'm not surprised.

Yeah, could you extend the room over there? Yeah, room B. For like.

.. What's good? Two hours? Is that fine? You sure? Okay, sure.

Two hours, please. Yeah. Yeah, and just like.

.. No, actually no. No more drinks, please.

Yeah. Cash. It's fine.

I'll pay for it. Here you go. No, just keep the change.

Okay, thank you. Alright, shall we? Okay.

Fresh air. Jeez. Oh my gosh.

No. No, never again. Never again.

No. I am never doing that again. Sweet baby Jesus.

Um. .. I mean, no, it was.

.. It was fine, but. ..

No, I don't know. I'm not doing that again. Oof.

Do you have a ride home or anything? You want me to bring you back? Or do you wanna like.

.. Chill, I guess? By that bench over there? Yes, I am inviting you.

Why? What's wrong? Can I not? Consider this your payback.

Okay? Alright. Okay.

Yeah, I genuinely did have fun. It's just. ..

It's just generally not a lot of good experiences with mixers. It's nothing. It's personal stuff.

Maybe one day I'll let you know. But today is not the day. Sorry, my.

.. My social battery is like all used up. I have like no more capacity for people I do not know.

You too? Yeah. I mean, did you have fun, at least? Okay.

That's good. Would you do it again? Yeah.

Same. I mean, that was fun, though. That was really fun.

Even though half the time I was just either whining or making fun of people. I mean, come on. Like, really? I know it's like that's the vibe of the whole thing, but leave some space for Jesus, you know? Yeah.

I don't know. Some weird times that I spent at those, but haven't really gone out in a really long time. So.

Yeah, no, I guess I. .. I guess I did need it.

I've been like really cranky and grumpy. Yeah. I mean, cranky and and grumpy.

That's just mostly, you know, work stuff. Boss is killing me and I don't know. She's not giving me a break, I guess.

No need to get into that stuff. You want me to? You sure? You're not like tired or anything? Like, don't you want to say something? I've been like talking this entire time.

Okay. To each their own. I'll keep rambling, I guess.

I've just been really cranky the past year, I guess. When I when I got the job like two years ago I think it was like a few months before you. Yeah, definitely a few months before you.

You know, things were fine. Things were going great. But I don't know.

We were just going through a transition period right after that. And that transition period right around that you came. You know, that's why so many slots were opening.

My friend got laid off and I don't know. It was a really tough time. And I was just used to you know, just being at my desk doing whatever work was handed to me.

And then out of nowhere, I'm team leader and whatever, whatever, yada, yada. I guess I just wasn't ready to take on all that responsibility. But I had no choice, you know.

I'm not going to leave my dog starving. Well, I guess you didn't know because I never told you. Well, you never asked.

Yeah, fair, fair. Yeah, I have a dog. Golden Retriever.

Yeah. She's four. Yeah.

Going back, I was I guess I was just I was just really immature back then. I didn't really know how to cope with all the responsibilities, I guess. And then, you know, when you came in I mean, just one look at you and I was like, oh boy.

You know what I mean?