[F4M] Even When the Lights Go Out

Transcript

Just last week, I was lying in my bed, finally starting to fall asleep, when you called. I thought it wouldn't hurt so much by now, but every time I think I'm about to move on, you call, like you did that night. You said the same thing you always do, oh hey, I'm soooo drunk, I didn't mean to call you.

You weren't sleeping, were you? Not yet. It's okay, get home safe.

I hung up the phone, fell back into the pillows, and heard your voice echoing in my head again. It's not okay. I'm not okay.

How can I move on if I keep hearing your voice? I didn't sleep until I saw the first hint of sunlight bleed over the horizon. And now you're here.

You weren't supposed to be at this party, but we have the same friends, and I wouldn't dare make them choose between us. So here I am, standing in the corner of the room, watching you do what you always do. You're the center of the universe.

You pull all of the eyes in the room toward you, and when someone is fortunate enough to be in your orbit, they're washed in your glow, reflecting only your own light back at you. But I was there when it was dark, when all of the lights went out, when you decided that you were too broken for someone like me. As you and I make the rounds, chatting up old friends, making sure that our paths don't cross, I could swear that I see you quickly turning away from me whenever I turn to you.

Your eyes focus intently on something, anything but me. But I'm overthinking it. This is probably just as weird for you.

So I go through the motions, counting down the minutes until I can slip out without our mutual friend getting pissed off. 9pm. I have to stay until 10 at least.

I sip a warm beer in a plastic cup and listen to somebody I'm vaguely familiar with ramble on about some trip they went on over the summer. Your laughter fills the space between us, and I look to see you doubled over, cackling at the same joke you tell everyone you meet. The one about the moth and the dentist.

It's a good one, but it's you they're responding to. I've heard that joke a million times, and I would listen to it a million more just to hear that laugh again. 9.30pm.

I can make my escape in 30 minutes. So I settle into the sofa and watch as everyone else enjoys themselves. I look in your direction again, and catch you looking in mine.

We both divert our attention to the floor, and I spend an agonizing half hour picking at the lint on my sweater and carefully piling it onto the armrest. 10pm. I wave to our friend and mention something about an early shift.

She rolls her eyes and shoos me away, reminding me that we have a lunch date planned later that week. I say I'll be there, and head for her guest bedroom where I've stashed my coat. I didn't expect to find you standing there, asking me if we can talk.

You tell me that things have been better since we last spoke, that you've been working on yourself. That's great to hear. You know I just want you to be happy.

I'm glad you've been doing well and getting the help you need. I've been good. Work's been kicking my ass.

Other than that, I've been. .. fine.

Yes, fine. I'm not sure what else you want from me. What did you want to talk about anyway? I can't imagine you've gone through the trouble of meeting me here just to catch up.

Your apology is unnecessary. It hurt when you left, but it's been six months. It would be ridiculous for me to hold on to.

.. Why can't I look at you? I.

.. I can look at you. I.

.. Don't hold my face like that. Look.

See? I'm looking right into your eyes, and I don't. ..

I don't feel anything at all. I've moved on. I'm okay.

No. Nothing. I feel nothing.

I feel nothing. What the hell was that? You can't.

.. you can't just. ..

you can't just. .. You left me.

You left me. I was in it for the long haul. I sat beside you through everything, and you left me.

So don't you fucking dare come back here acting like everything is normal again. It's not normal. I'm not okay.

I'm not okay. I was ready to sit with you through all of it. Did you think I couldn't handle it? I wanted to be there.

I wanted all of you. I loved you. Every single piece of you, broken or not, do I not love you anymore? Love doesn't just disappear like that.

At least not for me. But I can't go back. If you don't want me there for all of it.

.. And how do I know that you mean it? How do I know this won't happen again? I.

.. I can't. ..

I can't go through this again. Can you promise me that? I promise.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Please. Please tell me.

Tell me this is real. Tell me this is real. Tell me that I'm yours.

Mm. I think I've had this dream before. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. What? Can't you read my mind? You always said you could see every thought I had just by the look on my face.

Ah, you don't do that anymore, huh? You're right. I can speak for myself.

So, if you can't read my mind, then read my lips. Make me yours. Ah.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Ah.

Mm. Mm. Ah.

Mm. Mm. Ah.

I've been. .. Mm.

Mm. I've been trying to avoid you all this time. Mm.

Ah. Not going to parties. Mm.

Ah. Mm. Skipping out on lunch with our friends.

Mm. Mm. Do you think I'd still be doing.

.. Mm. Doing that if I didn't.

.. If I didn't still love you? Mm.

Mm. If I didn't. ..

Still want you? Ah. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Ah.

Do you want me? Mm. Ah.

Ah. Yes, I suppose you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't, but. ..

I still need to hear you say it. I'm sorry. The last six months, I felt completely discarded.

You left me. You weren't in a good place, I know. And you're doing better now, and I'm so, so happy for you.

But I need you to know that if it happens again, I'm here for all of it. I need you to know that you're worth it. So please don't shut me out.

Because I deserve to feel like I matter to you as much as you matter to me. I need to hear you say that you want me. That you always have.

Say those words, and I am yours. Ah. I love you.

Mm. So much. I love you.

I love you. Mm. Mm.

Yes, please. I've missed having your hands on me. Ah.

And your mouth. Mm. Mm.

Ah. Mm. Ah.

Let me get these buttons. Mm. Yes.

Please suck on my nipples. Mm. Can you feel how wet I am already? Oh my god.

Look at what you do to me. Mm. I can't believe it.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Mm. Mm. You always did know how to turn me into a whimpering mess.

But. Mm. There's something else I missed.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

I missed. Mm. Making you.

Mm. Go. Mm.

Absolutely wild for me. Mm. Mm.

Mm. And I miss this beautiful cock. Mm.

Ah. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. That's a sound I like to hear.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. You're getting so hard for me.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. I haven't gotten to do this in a while.

Lick you from base to tip. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Wrap my hand around your shaft while I suck on this head. Mm.

Mm. Mm. That's absolutely dripping with pre-cum.

Mm. Take you all the way in. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm.