Dude, It's Just an L-Bomb

Transcript

So, are we going to this thing, or are you just going to hide in your room? Okay, wow, sorry, I, okay, um, please, just, what are you doing? Well, obviously, given what is happening here, I see what you're doing, but I mean, what are you doing right now?

We are going, and you're watching porn with your cock in your hand. What the hell, dude? Okay, well, yeah, I like to scratch itches, too, I mean, that's kind of what we do, but what are you, hmm, okay, I can't even with you, really?

It's not going to be that long a night, we're going to put in an appearance, and then we were coming back here, I thought, to do that, not the porn part, but the, anyway, um, so why are you pre-gaming this? Okay, all right, dude, you don't have to tell me, I don't care, but we're going to be late, so zip it up and let's go. What do you mean, why am I in a rush? Because if we don't get there early enough, all the good beer is gone, and all we're left with is the stuff that tastes like piss.

So I'd rather not, no, I understand it's not a cocktail party, we don't have to be there by a set time. Why are you being like this? Especially with your thing hanging out of your pants, can you deal with that, please? Thanks.

Lovely soundtrack to this conversation, but maybe turn that off while we're talking. What are you watching? Anyway, that's the, I don't even want to know, but I kind of do, because that was some interesting noises.

Oh. Mm-hmm. Really? Well, I mean, it's not something we've done, but sure.

Let me guess, it was a girl doing it to another girl, because you're such a guy. Really? Why? We, um, wow, there's entirely too much going on in this conversation.

Okay, so, um, back up. First things first, I want to get to the party before all the good beer's gone, said that, covered that. Are we good with that? All right.

All right. Uh, second, are you watching that for pointers on how to eat a girl out? Is that what's happening here? Because that's an interesting concept to me, being the only one who could potentially be on the receiving end of that right now, as far as I know, anyway.

That's not something I've ever asked you to do. Um, yeah, I know, I give you head all the time, because I kind of like doing it. We discovered that, remember? Mm-hmm.

There's a video game involved, you're being kind of a jerk. You were lucky I didn't just kick your ass. Yeah.

Well, I, it's just not something I ever thought about. Were you being prepared in case I did? Is that what's happening? And you know, getting off while you were doing it, I guess? Okay.

You're getting really flustered, and that's even more weird, because you still haven't zipped up your pants. Thanks, that helps. Okay.

So why tonight, before we have somewhere to be, did you decide that you needed, you know, an education? That doesn't make any sense to me, you could do this any time. And seriously, dude, if all the good beer's gone, and I end up with something that tastes like piss, there's gonna be hell to pay.

Yeah. It's crap. Okay, your friends don't exactly have the most discerning palates when it comes to beer, so 90% of what they buy is the cheapest shit they can find.

So okay, you're throwing me off, what are you doing? You're trying to sidetrack the conversation, stop it. Why did you decide that tonight was the night that you were gonna learn how to do this, right before we have somewhere to be?

Okay. Dude, if you wanna go down on me, just ask, and I'll tell you what I like and what I don't. You don't need porn.

I mean, most of what you see in that shit isn't real anyway, you know that, right? Like you see the difference between what we do and what happens on those, right? Like there's a very clear difference.

So what made you think that what that guy's doing to that chick with his tongue, which by the way, he's not even in the right spot, just from what I can see here. Good job, you. What made you think that that was gonna show you anything, other than, you know, what not to do when you're trying to fake an orgasm, oh my god.

Okay. You look really uncomfortable. Stop, it's me.

We talk about this stuff, we do this stuff, it shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, I appreciate that you wanna know what you're doing when you get down there, but like I said, I'm a pretty good tour guide. I give really good directions.

Were you just about to say in case somebody else got there first? Who else do you think I'm doing this with? Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, whoa, whoa, okay, now I got to the root of the problem.

Can you, for the love of god, close your laptop, because if I have to see any more of that, I'm gonna lose it. Thanks. Okay.

So, you're actually concerned that I'm gonna hook up with somebody at this fucking party? Yeah, I know dipshit asked me if I was going, and I said I didn't want to go with him, remember? We had this conversation, what the fuck? So what makes you think that I would say I don't want to go to the party with him, go with you, and then hook up with him?

What in that string of events seems logical to you? Okay, well, I know it's not a date, dude, really, I know it's not a date, I know we're not going together, but I'm not gonna go with the guy that I'm fucking and fuck somebody else. That's just rude.

I mean, there's etiquette to this, I'm sure. And besides, he's a dipshit. I don't even call him by his name, I call him dipshit.

That should tell you something, honestly. Yeah. The fact that it doesn't kind of worries me.

And besides, who cares if we do this with other people, unless there's, you know, diseases involved, which is what condoms were invented for, so, like, really, what's the big fucking deal? Oh. Well, that just went sideways, didn't it? Okay.

Look, shove over. Is this a conversation we need to have? Because you look like I just kicked your puppy or something, and you kind of seem a little weirded out by the idea of dipshit, which, again, not a thing.

Well, yeah, I know. We've been doing this for a while. That was the idea, right? Sex is fun.

Even more fun than video games, contrary to some people's popular beliefs. Will you at least smile or something? You're weirding me out.

Thank you. Well, look, if you're asking me not to do this, whatever this is, with anybody else, you don't really have to worry about that, because in case you hadn't noticed, we're kind of low on options around here, so I'm good. I hadn't really thought about it, but if you feel the need to scratch that itch somewhere else, go for it, I guess.

Yeah, I guess I'm okay with it. It's not really my place not to be. This is the whole point of fuck buddies, friends who have sex.

Great orgasms, have a good time. It's supposed to be fun, not supposed to be serious. You're making it weird.

I'm just going to ask you a question, and you're going to give me an honest answer, because you're usually straight with me, unless you're being shifty as fuck like you are right now, but I'm hoping that you're going to be straight with me. Are you actually worried about dipshit and the possibility that I might be interested in somebody else? Is that actually something that's going through your head right now? Well, that wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Okay. Why? Dude, that's the whole point of this.

It's not supposed to be just exclusive anything. It's supposed to be having fun, scratching an itch until something else comes along. Okay, again, not what I expected you to say.

What do you mean you don't want anything else to come along? I'm not that good in the sack. Well, thanks, but stop it.

I'm serious. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean, we hang out all the time because we're best friends.

That's what we do. I hope you like hanging out with me because the best friend thing works better that way. You're just putting it all out there, aren't you? Okay.

Now I'm uncomfortable. Hold on. I got to process for a second because you're about to change the game.

Whatever you say next, consider it very, very carefully because you can't go back. So if you go where I think you're about to go, that changes things. And you can't take that back.

You can't unchange them. So be sure that that's what you want to do, okay? You know I'm bossy.

This is just me. I don't know why this is a thing. Anyway, just consider what you're about to say, okay? Because I don't know about you, but this is kind of, like, my favorite thing in my life right now.

And I'm not just talking about the sex. I'm talking about everything. The time that we spend hanging out is, like, the best parts of my day, any day, no matter what else I'm doing.

And if you're about to fuck that up by growing feelings, then you better be prepared for the consequences if that goes sideways, okay? Okay. Then go ahead.

I can't stop you. Wha- Dude, you do- Okay. You're surprising the fuck out of me all over the place.

Did you just drop an L-bomb on me? Mm-hmm. Not at all what I thought was going to happen there.

I thought we were going to have, like, a let's date conversation. Didn't expect an L-bomb. Yeah, that's a little much.

Oh my god. Yeah, you really did just change the game a lot. Fuck.

What am I supposed to do with this? I mean, the other part's easy. Have sex, get off.

Suck your cock, you get off. Then we fucking- I get off. That part I get.

We hang out, we play games, we watch TV, we make fun of people, I don't know, we do all kinds of shit, and that's also fun. I totally get that. What just came out of your mouth, I don't get.

Yeah, I'm agitated. What? What do you mean, why do I like hanging out with you? That's a stupid question.

Hello, best friends. We covered this, like, two seconds ago. Are you developing some brain thing that I don't know about just in the moment here, or are you being willfully stupid?

Alright, alright, alright. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm uncomfortable as all hell, so yeah, I'm gonna be a little sharper than usual.

Dude, you just told me that you love me. And I wasn't expecting it. It came out of fucking left field.

And I feel like I just got hit by the fucking ball. So, you gotta give me a minute with that. Okay? What am I supposed to do with that? Um, what? What are you doing? What? Okay, okay, you're too close.

Yeah. I kind of liked it better when you were laying there with your cock in your hand watching porn. Totally, totally honest right now.

That, I can handle. That, I know what to do with. This, I don't.

I don't know what to say. I mean, I thought we were just gonna go to a party and drink some beer and then come back and have some sex and pass out. That was the plan.

And now it's a totally different plan. Um, okay. I know I can't get out of this with wit and sarcasm, but I'm gonna try, so bear with me.

Okay? Sorry. Um, okay.

So you love me. Good. Good talk.

Um, how do I feel? A little bit sick right now, if that's what you're looking for. Alright, alright, alright, I know.

I know what you're looking for. I'm, again, uncomfortable. Um, fuck.

I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't, I didn't want to think about this. Because, yeah, the idea of it is great, in theory.

But people break up. And then they don't talk to each other anymore. And then all the good stuff that they had before goes away.

And I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if I can handle the bad after the good. And that's why what we've been doing has been so great.

Because we get to keep the friendship part perfectly intact. We get to have really good sex. And then we don't let anything get weird until today.

But if we go down that other road and something goes wrong, then we lose all of this. And I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can take that.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not exactly the most lovable person. And I don't let people in. It's just, it's not a thing.

So losing what we have is just not an option. And throwing around L-bombs like you just did, well, that's a risk I wasn't sure I was willing to take. Of course I've thought about it.

I'm not a machine. It's kind of hard not to. I am a girl.

I am attracted to you as a guy. There's chemistry there. I get it.

And it's not just because you're convenient. That was what it started as. Get rid of that pesky virginity bullshit and have some fun.

But shit changed. And now, I don't know. I don't know what to do with this.

I just don't want it to go away. And when you start throwing around L-bombs, well, that's when things start to go away. At least that's been my experience.

Because nobody who's ever said that they love me stuck around. Including my parents. So, forgive me for being a little wary of that particular set of words.

Yeah, I trust you. Duh. But I don't trust me not to fuck this up.

It's not anything to do with you. It's me. Everything I touch, I fuck up.

And I ruin. And somehow, I hadn't done that yet with you. And that's.

.. That's not something I can guarantee is gonna be the case. If I tell you what you want to hear.

Okay. Alright. Well, we can't go backwards.

We can't change things now. And all the fucking good beer's gonna be gone at the party by the time we get there anyway, so we may as well just finish this. Right? You're sure? You're absolutely sure? Because I can't.

I can't.