Did I Marry a Wh*r*?!

Transcript

Oh, what a day, oh my god. Someone is pooped. Come here, let me help you get those shoes off.

Yeah, yeah, just lay back down, yeah. And oh my, this is so much dress. Move this dress out of the way.

Yeah, okay, I can hardly see your shoes. Oh, there we go. How are you feeling? What a night, right? Oh my god.

Hey, let's not divorce because I do not want to go through the trouble of organizing another wedding. Yeah, I think once is enough. Babe, how many days did it take us to decide where to rent our silverware from? And we couldn't get a moment to ourselves to eat anyway, so yeah.

No, I actually, here, I stashed some bread in my pocket that I was like nibbling on. Yeah. Yeah, it's actually still good.

I think we chose the right vendor. What, gross? Sorry, babe, this marriage is turning me into a slob, so.

Okay. Oh, anyways, yeah. You tired? Just your feet? Okay.

Well, here, let me give you a foot massage. Actually, I read on a few techniques, so lay back down. Yeah, see if I just, if I just.

Oh shit, oh my god, are you okay, babe? I'm so sorry. Oh, it felt good? Okay, well, there you go, see? Why are we even honeymooning in Thailand, huh? You've got the whole Thai experience right here with these magic hands.

Okay, obviously, my massage won't be as good. Okay, any massage therapist there will have seen like half the feet of all of Eurasia, so. But I can give something that she can't.

The happily ever after ending. All right, is that all better, yeah? Nice and nimble now? All right, perfect.

Dance with me. Yes, come here. My feet are sore, too, but I wanna dance with my wife.

It feels so good to say that now. Yeah, fiance just never felt right. It was always a reminder that I almost had you, that we were almost together.

I know, it both feels like we've been waiting forever and just in time. Babe, you make my soul flutter when you, ow! No, no, it's fine.

You can step on my feet all you want if it means I keep holding you. Yeah, I like being stepped on. Oh.

I love seeing your side of the family today. Yeah, your parents are just so lovely. Mm-hmm.

You get your smile from your mom and your laugh from your dad, that bellowing laugh. No, no, no, shush. I love it.

Yeah, he gave you good genes. Who else? Yeah, I had a chance to meet your uncle.

He's a, he's an interesting guy. What, why are you giggling? What was interesting? Well, he really liked the shrimp.

What, that can be interesting. No, I'm not pretending to like him. We talked, we did talk.

No, okay. I think it's cool that he's, that he's into the doomsday prepping stuff. Yeah, you know, it's, I think it's good to talk about that stuff and you always, you know, just gotta be prepared, so.

He's an ignoramus blockhead. My wife, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, all right, maybe no one else likes him, but if I, look, if I felt a certain way about your family and friends, I would tell you.

The bridesmaids, I thought they were lovely. And hot, your words, not mine. Oh, oh no, babe, I just don't want you to think I was ogling them or anything.

They were all gorgeous, okay? But you, were the fairest of them all. Mm-hmm.

You're perfect, you know that? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Absolutely perfect. Oh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh, come closer, darling. I really wanna feel you right on me.

All right, next one, mm-hmm. Mm. Mm.

You know, when you walked down the aisle, mm-mm. Oh, I thought to myself, mm-mm. Mm.

I'm marrying an angel, mm-mm. Mm. Down from heaven just for me, mm-mm.

And I can't wait to go to heaven with you tonight, mm-mm. Mm. Mm.

Yeah, yeah, I'm ready, mm-mm. Mm. And clearly you are, too, mm-mm.

Unbuttoning my shirt, mm-mm. You wanna move to the bed? Mm-hmm.

Oh yeah, I'm more than ready, let's go, mm. Oh my God, come here, mm. I can't get enough of you, mm.

Oh. Mm. Oh.

Mm. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, mm, mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, oh.

Mm. Oh, yes, babe. Oh, run your hands through my chest, mm.

Oh, I love feeling your touch. Oh, mm. Mm.

Oh. Yeah, you like feeling the way I'm hovering over you, mm. You'll feel my full weight soon enough, you know, mm-hmm.

Take off my shirt while I kiss you down your neck, mm. Oh, mm. Mm, just pull it off, darling, yeah.

Mm. How can I stop for a second when you're, mm, you're sweet. Mm-hmm.

Okay, fine, fine, all right. Ah. There we go, now pull me in close, baby, mm.

Oh, yeah, run your hands around my back, yes, mm-hmm. Run them down, mm, down in my waist, and mm. How about you undo that belt for me, darling, yeah.

And help me get these pants off, mm. As for you, you know I love seeing you in this dress, but, mm, but the only thing I wanna see more is you out of it, mm-hmm. But I know you, you really took your time to look good, and so if you wanna keep it on a little longer, you can, mm, to hell with the dress, yes, yes, I agree.

Let's get you out of this. Babe, how long did this take to put on? You just wanna tear it off, huh? No, this, we do need to save this, okay.

Oh, wow, you are absolutely gorgeous, sweetheart. Oh, you are not, not wearing panties. Mm, have you had them off this whole time? No, no, it's, it's fine, I, I just didn't expect to see all of you right away, but you are just perfection, come here, mm.

Mm, oh, I've gotten to know you so well, and mm, now I can finally get to know your body, mm. Are you ready to meet your man, sweetheart? Yeah, all of him, mm-hmm, all right, then go ahead and slide my boxers off, yeah, mm.

Mm, oh my God, the way your eyes lit up, yeah, come here, come here, you mm, are mm, my mm, everything. Mm, mm, oh, oh, yes, mm, mm, let me rub my hands down your body, yeah, mm, oh, your breasts, oh, you have lovely breasts, darling, mm, yeah, on our first date, I, oh, I tried so hard to be a gentleman, and I stare, and mm, and I stare, and I stare, and I stare, and I stare, and I stare, and I stare, oh, I tried so hard to be a gentleman, and I stare, and mm, and now they're in my hands. How do you like to be touched, sweetheart? Yeah, mm, you want me to just lightly massage all around, or mm, or maybe a gentle tug at the nipple, yeah, mm, yeah, I can keep touching you that way, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm, there we go, mm, ah, so lovely, yeah, ah, but I can't help and slide my hands down your sides, yeah, just grazing your ribs, and mm, down your hips, and mm, mm, mm, oh, can I touch you there, darling? Yeah, okay, mm, mm, oh, let me feel you in, oh, wow, you're already wet, baby, does that mean you're ready? Yeah, you want me that bad, mm, mm, mm, well, I want you more, mm, I want, mm, I want all of you, mm, mm, mm, I'm ready, yeah, mm, yeah, yeah, I'm ready, just help me get it in, babe, mm-hmm, yeah, and, oh, my God, I've wanted this for so long, oh, darling, you're so tight, I need to take a second, oh, oh, okay, okay, come here, come here, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, oh, you're all I ever wanted, baby, mm, mm, mm, oh, oh, how do you like this pace, babe?

Oh, this is good, yeah, okay, oh, as I just, mm, mm, slowly grind my hip into yours, oh, laying right on top like this, mm, mm, oh, you feel me, baby, yeah, it feels good, mm, okay, oh, it feels good for me, too, and, oh, guess what? You're gonna get to feel this body every night of your life, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, oh, yes, yeah, oh, sweet pleasure, yes, mm, mm, but, oh, I think if I angle myself like this, oh, I can grind on your clit, too, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, oh, you like that, sweetheart, oh, yes, anything for my sweet baby girl, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, oh, oh, hey, baby, hey, hey, lock your hands with mine, okay, oh, yeah, oh, fuck, I think I'm gonna get close, baby, oh, yeah, yeah, just be in this moment with me, yes, yes, give me your hands, oh, let me feel your fingers, oh, oh, my God, oh, oh, fuck, oh, yes, oh, oh, my God, I gotta come, yes, yes, come with me, darling, yes, yes, oh, yes, come with me, oh, oh, oh, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, ooh, oh, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, oh, wow, oh, that was better than I could've ever imagined. Oh, can I stay inside you for a moment? For a moment, baby, yeah, I don't want this moment to end.

You too? You know, I was worried I wouldn't know what to do, but you made it feel all so natural. Oh, oh, is it okay that I didn't last that long? You just, you just felt so, so good, yeah, don't worry, I'll be able to treat you right next time.

Mm, ah, okay, I'm gonna pull out and lay next to you, okay? Oh, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, sweetheart, you, you have no idea how happy I feel right now. I just, ah, I appreciate you so much.

Yeah, for being willing to wait until today because I know you don't believe in waiting for marriage, but you still believed in us, and I love you so much for it, yeah, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, we created the perfect wedding day, yeah, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, ah, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, you wanna keep going, what, like, like talking more? Because yeah, I can do that, yeah, I can stay up, ah, it feels wrong to go to sleep so soon, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, how was your bridal shower, mm, mm, mm, you got what? Oh my God, what happened? I thought your friends were creative.

No, no one needs that much skincare, babe, that's enough moisturizer to last us for, whatever, whatever, it's fine, yeah, we'll just have to have lots and lots of children, so we can hand it down before it expires, yeah, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, me, bachelor party, no, it was more of a bachelor picnic, yeah, the wildest thing was a brigade of ducks waddling through our coleslaw, mm, mm, mm, mm, oh, no, the boys didn't stop giving me shit for being such a prude, but I don't know, I got the appeal of it, you know, giving the guy his last taste of the single life, but, mm, mm, you told them you were okay with it? I mean, sure, I guess it's boys just being boys, but I don't know, I didn't want to disrespect you or anything, mm, what? Babe, you don't have to say things like that to make me happy, okay?