Defiance: A Meditation

Transcript

It's been a hell of a week. I had a brief flare-up of my autoimmune disease that kept me in bed and literally paralyzed for four days. If I moved an inch in any direction, though I was capable of it, if I did it I would get violently nauseous.

So I had to be perfectly still. And because I was having to stay still, there's only two things to do, which is watch TV and basically be on my phone. I couldn't even be on my laptop because that required sitting up at least a little bit and using both my hands far away from one another, whereas on my phone I keep my hands close together and it didn't move my body at all because I'm just using my thumbs for the most part.

And um, I did the silliest thing. I ventured outside of my safe little bubble on the internet. Oh god, I forgot how mean people are.

Like, the community onlet is so kind. I mean, yeah, there's a couple of jerks out there, but 99% of the interactions that I have had with listeners have been good, positive, really pleasant experiences. Yeah, I get my odd creeper, but most the time everybody's really great.

So, but I ventured out into into other areas of the internet and I was applauding Disney for introducing a bisexual main character in a kids TV show. By in the sense of the character wants to take another female character to an animated school dance. The extent of their interaction is holding hands and dancing.

And I thought that was precious, and I thought that was great, and I applauded Disney for, you know, doing that. So as a pansexual mom, I thought that was great. And oh, the haters came down on me so hard and fast.

The very first comment out was making some nasty snide remark about, well, I don't want to hear it repeated. It was awful, but it was just hateful. And while all of my retorts were strong and scathing, my husband winced when I read him back a couple of them.

I'm by myself and I try to relax and breathe out the day. I'd be lying if I said all of that vitriol. I don't feel it, like, in my aura just dripping on me and it makes me feel gross.

And then to further advance that feeling, I was in another chat getting myself in all kinds of trouble. Usually I behave myself. I really try to.

I do. But someone asked if I believed in God and tried to shame me for being a sex worker, which is a matter of opinion. I am NOT actually having sex with anyone other than myself and people that I am in a romantic relationship with, but it hurt a little bit.

I'm not gonna lie. And I know I shouldn't let that hurt me. So I just need to breathe, calm, and center myself.

I think something we all forget is that at some point in your life, while I hope you live a life where you never experience hate, I know it is unlikely that will be the case. And it pisses me the fuck off that it's these holier-than- fucking-thou people who, I'm sorry, I bet you, I bet you, I bet you, so many of them are using sites like OnlyFans or Literotica or any, any porn site. In fact, I bet most of them are into things that make what I do look tame by comparison.

The hypocrisy just galls me. Who decides what right is socially? Who decides? Because some book written, actually, some book that has been badly translated so many times it's fucking ridiculous, who everybody knows has full chunks taken out of it so its followers don't have all the information.

Why, why? I don't understand. Why would I do is bad.

I just don't. And I refuse to let their narrow-mindedness control me. And I know all of you have experienced hatred in some way shape or form.

If you have, I know it cuts, cuts deep into your soul. It rips into your heart and it puts claws into you. Just breathe it out.

I know it hurts. Your chest may feel like it has a 10,000 pound weight on it while you're trying to breathe around it. It's gonna hurt like hell because all of that hate that you've been carrying, that you've allowed people to place upon you, that you may not return the hatred but that it hurts you, weighs you down.

Don't let it hurt you. Don't let it control you. So start breathing through that heavy feeling in your chest.

Breathe all the way out like your chest is almost gonna collapse in on itself. And then all the way back in until it's completely full. And repeat.

And repeat. With each breath, just feel that not loosening, letting go, you don't need that weighing you down anymore. Just feel lighter and better.

Other people's hatred, all those things, those weights on your body, on your mind, on your heart stressing you out, that's their burden to bear. Let their hateful hearts weigh them down, that's their choice. They choose to bear that burden and there's nothing you can do about it.

So breathe, let it go, accept there's nothing you can do about that. What you can control, however, is how you feel about yourself, your truth, your reality, and your body. With these people who accuse me of.

.. Somebody threatened my life this week and they said that I was a fraud and that I fraudulently stole money from people. That is a complete lie.

I didn't even want a Patreon account. I've never had someone say to me that they wanted to kill me. So forgive me, I need a minute to do my own breathe through and just process that.

Realize I can't fix them, I cannot change them. The best thing I can do is live my best life. That kind of hate will not weigh me down.

People tried to shame me for making these audios, for loving my body, for having naked pictures on the internet, for having smutty stories on the internet, for making porn. I can't fix them. I can only fix me.

And I choose to defy them. I choose to keep touching my body. I choose to keep spreading my thighs, telling whoever wants to listen, lay back, join me.

I defy being told what to do. I defy being shamed and told my body isn't beautiful or it belongs to anyone other than me. I am going to keep doing what I do.

Teaching what I teach. Loving myself and helping others love themselves. Start edging with me dears, please.

Touch yourselves and edge with me. Defy the people who would tell you who you should be. Defy society who would tell you that what you do is wrong when you're just, just wanting to feel good.

Defy anyone who would tell you that it isn't your own choice what you choose to do with your body and that goes from a simple hug all the way to whether you choose to continue to live this life. But life is amazing. And as hard as it can be when you experience hate, when you defy them and love yourself literally and figuratively, touch your body, let those good feelings in and remember you're fucking beautiful.

You are living in pure defiance of the people who would rein you in. Defy all of them. Stroke yourself, rub yourself, make yourself come.

Make yourself come for me. Close your eyes. Close your eyes and stroke with me.

Stroke with me. Stroke with me. As you're stroking, I want you to hold your breath for a count of five when I say hold.

Are you ready? Hold. One, two, three, four, five.

Breathe. Hold. One, two, three, four, five.

Breathe. Hold. Hold.

Hold. Hold. Hold.

Hold. Hold. Hold.

Hold. Oh goodness. I did not intend to come at that point, but ok.

I guess if holding your breath a little bit made you come, just let it happen naturally. If you do come during this at any point, just let it happen naturally. I will try to do countdowns and specific points for you to come, but if it happens, just let it happen.

Now, hold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Breathe.

Now we're going to hold it for 10. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Breathe. Breathe. Run your hands over your body.

Twist your nipples. Let your hips rock back and forth. Just let the feeling overtake you.

This right here, this peace that you get.