Deckard Cain (Parody) Ep. 1 - A Simple Warning

Transcript

Stay a while and listen, while I recount to you a much darker thing that humans have created, things that are much more damning and terrifying than Diablo and his brothers. While I can understand that we are in great turmoil, you must understand that there is great risk in this time. This time, you must be aware of the seduction of the human female.

Whether you do it yourself, Nephilim, or one comes to you with romantic intent, some, as it is written, might be a bit more timid. Others will be bold and will be brave to show you their affections, sometimes in broad daylight, in front of others. Here is what you must do to keep your Nephilim virginity intact.

It is, as I have been told, quite cool. Firstly, should one of these sirens use their siren song against you, be advised that you can close your ears to their intent, and should they let you know their wiles and wishes, a simple spell that goes BEGONE THOUGHT will banish them henceforth from your tender loins. However, some more crafty ones will take the time to admire you from afar, perhaps adjoining you on adventures, slaying demons, and then, when you least suspect, they will pounce like a hungry lioness.

And you must hold firm, hero. That is the important thing. We mustn't lose sight of the true evil of this land.

And that is the prime evils, blowjobs, vaginal sex, and the most evil of them all, anal. These three you will need to defeat with your own mind. Your body will not be able to handle it.

This is a battle of wills, not a battle of biceps and axes, which is why I've decided to accompany you and help you on your journey. I have since recently stolen a small bat from a dog. He was too tired to carry on in his duty, but he allowed me to hear his tale before he expired.

It seems that in his quest to keep horniness at regular levels, he was sadly defeated, overwhelmed in battle. And so it falls to me that should one of these internet thoughts come to you, one of these gamer girls, tit streamers, or any of their ilk try to seduce you to the ways of flesh, it has fallen to me to strike you down with this atop your head. There will be more to teach you to avoid where you may be, or possessed, and in those moments how to free yourself from their claws and teeth and, well, other areas.

No potion can help with this, especially blue potions seem to exacerbate this in males. Just know, Nephilim, that I am in your corner. Now proceed into the cavern of the Lusty Wench, and I pray you will find a way out of this.