Confessions of a Tipsy Best Friend

Transcript

It's okay, I can get in from here night Busted Dead and now the sober police was gonna be waiting up for me Why are you still awake? It's like the middle of the night Hmm Well, I'm a big girl I can get home I I took an uber with the girls and I got dropped off first So I wasn't alone with a creepy driver. He wasn't creepy though His name was Ned and he has two daughters and he had like a picture of them on the dashboard Yeah, we talked about them I don't remember their names but they're like eight and ten or something Mm-hmm So I was responsible I knew I was gonna be drinking and I was responsible and I started drinking water late an hour ago hour hour half Hour and a half.

I missed a word there. Anyway, I Was responsible you didn't need to wait up Cuz you're not my dad Did you know that? Okay, as long as we're clear I What I'm not swaying.

I'm not swaying. I'm not I'm still just kind of dancing from the club music in the back of my head It's good music, too I don't know what it was But there was lots of lots of bass lots of beat the floor was like vibrating and the colors from the lights and stuff Mm-hmm Yeah It's You're such a party pooper. Why don't you go out? It's like Saturday night.

You're supposed to have fun. We're not old We're like in our 20s Early 20s. We're not old yet.

I'm supposed to have fun Supposed to have fun. There's more to that word Yeah supposed to have fun. See I'm an adult I can talk hmm Is that coffee did you make coffee I smell coffee, why are you making coffee at 3 in the morning?

That seems like Either you're getting up really early or you're staying up really late Which is it? Is it oh You're staying up really late okay, I Like coffee though. We could have coffee and water And maybe I don't know we should order a pizza Mm-hmm And now I'll tell you all about what my stupid friend did at the bar it's really funny hmm, I smell what I smell like oh Right we were doing tequila shots and one of the girls fell off the stool and spilled it off or everything Hold on spilled it all over everything Yeah, she did She's a really uncoordinated when she drinks.

I don't know why she drinks. It doesn't seem like a good idea. I Stink though.

That's that's not a good smell tequila is not a good smell Well, I can't have that I'm gonna I'm gonna go shower Yeah, I'm gonna go shower and then I'll come back out and we'll have coffee and pizza Mmm pizza, okay, okay. I'll be back. Okay.

You be here right? You're not gonna like pass out on me or something I'm not gonna pass out in the shower. I'm fine.

Okay. I'll be right back Okay I'm human again. I think I think still slightly drunk, but the fog is gone.

I Sober up really fast But I'm still slightly buzzed But I'm not slurring my words and not sounding like a complete moron. I don't think I'm Drunk enough that I'm still happy, but I'm not so drunk I don't know what the hell I'm saying anymore because I'm pretty sure I was talking about the uber driver, but I don't know Anyway coffee, right? Is that what we were doing? Why are you still up? Oh Right, you're playing dad.

Okay. Got it. I Yeah, oh Right my story, okay.

Okay. Okay. So yeah I'm not gonna tell you which friend cuz then you'll know and you'll like feel sorry for her every time you see her and I don't want that but One of my stupid friends and I say stupid cuz she like did this and we all told her not to And we weren't even fully drunk yet Hold on Yeah, so she decided tonight was the night that she was gonna tell this guy this friend of hers that she's in love with him Yeah, you heard me that she's in love with him and she decided to do this at a bar where we'd all been drinking and doing stupid shit and She just went for it.

I don't know if it was because she was so drunk, but she wasn't that drunk. I Don't get it. Anyway so She tells this guy at the bar not at the table at the bar, right? They're waiting for the bartender to bring the drinks and she just blurts it out like like that's the time and the place and then he proceeds to just look at her like a deer in headlights and Then he turned and he fucking walked away.

He left He just he just pieced Like he could knock it out of that place fast enough and we didn't know what the hell was going on because we were at The table we just watched him leave and he was supposed to be bringing it back half of the drinks So we're like where the fuck are our drinks, right? So we go and help her with the drinks and she's just sitting there because she doesn't know what the hell just happened It was awful It was like one of those things where you are so mortified for somebody that you are mortified yourself Like it was it was past like secondhand embarrassment at that point I felt so bad for her cuz that was awful like oh my god What What do you mean did he ever tell her what Hold on drunk brain. Are you asking me if there was reason for her to think that he loved her? Is that what you're asking? Cuz I'm kind of fuzzy still Okay, um, I don't know But talking about after I don't think so.

I think that I think she just got it in her head That she wanted to be with this guy and cuz she's kind of hot But there's a lot of my friends that are kind of hot so that won't tell you who it is Anyway, so don't try um, but anyway, she's kind of hot. So I think she just kind of thought it would just work But it didn't And I mean you can tell when somebody's like in love with you, okay, you can tell Yes, you can't it's a thing you can tell Mmm. Oh Have you like never loved somebody before you're so clueless Okay, so when you're like in love with somebody or somebody's in love with you they act differently They totally do Mm-hmm.

They do they drop everything for you and not in like a needy codependent way, but in a like Concerned want to make sure you're okay help you through life kind of way That didn't sound quite as good coming out because it still sounded kind of codependent, but you know what I mean? Anyway, and They do things for you that they wouldn't do for other people like texting you at 2 in the morning when they know that you're studying in the University Library and you need to eat something and then when you don't respond bringing you food Because you need to eat something Mm-hmm or Making sure that your apartment is completely clean because you know Your mom is coming and she can't know what a slob you are And if she does she's gonna like freak her shit and make you move home Mm-hmm. Yeah, and like Keeping those feelings hidden because you know that it's gonna make the person uncomfortable to talk about them.

So you just kind of Be their friend and like love them Your own way without making it weird because you know that that's best for them because they're not in a situation where they can Love you back and that's okay You just have to roll with that But you don't want to be selfish and put it in their face and be like, hey, dude I love you and expect them to deal with it because when you love them You don't want to cause them any discomfort or anything like that. I Know those are really specific examples Yeah, I know I've I've done a couple of those things, haven't I? Well, I mean, I mean, I guess you could do them for friends, too Mm-hmm, but not Okay, so apparently I'm still slightly more drunk than I thought it was I know what just came out of my mouth and now I'm Cringing at myself cuz I wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth hmm Can we can we pretend it didn't?

Um Cuz remember the third thing that I said the last thing that I said Remember about the not saying anything because it makes people uncomfortable Yeah, can we can we focus on that? maybe oh Okay, I'm gonna need more coffee I'm sorry My mouth got carried away with me and I just got flustered because I know what she's feeling sort of I Don't know why she's deciding to make some rando confession to some rando guy in a bar because I don't even know that guy Like that well, and I don't know where he came from. He just kind of showed up on the outer edges of our friend group but Yeah, I understand the sentiment but I also understand It's not worth it because it might ruin the friendship and I Feel like it would be better to have the friend than nothing at all when it's something like that happens Cuz oh boy, that was really bad.

That was really bad You're not saying anything did I fuck this up I fucked this up I messed this up hard I feel like I should call the uber driver back and he should like take me somewhere and dump me in a ditch and Then I can pretend that this didn't happen. Oh Oh, what did I do? I'm sorry.

Oh god, I'm sorry Wait, what? Hold on what I Don't want to take my hands off my face yet No Say that again You get it you get it I'm still not taking my hands out Okay Wait, what? Did you just say you hmm Okay, I got to cover my face again, um, did you just say that you feel the same way You did didn't you Why is this easier on my face is covered Huh interesting anyway Yeah, I'm not that drunk I know what's going on I wish it wasn't going on I wish I was just stumbling in the door and not saying shit and just passing out in my bed and not sitting here Hoping that what you just said actually came out of your mouth What okay, that's my hands you're talking off my face, hmm It really is easier with them on my face Okay You did just say that you feel the same way did it yeah, are you drunk you haven't been like Sneaking anything while I was in the shower because it was very long shower Because the water was very nice and I really stunk like tequila.

That was really bad Why do I drink anyway? You're kidding I Wow that was articulate, um I'm sensing a theme. Apparently.

I don't need alcohol to be a complete mess. Oh Okay, I'm suddenly feeling really sober and really confused You're grinning at me. Why are you grinning at me? I'm not cute.

Don't call me cute. I I Feel like a hot mess right now I'm literally in a bathrobe with a towel on my head and you just told me that you feel the same way about me that I feel about you and I felt that way about you for a long ass time and It all started because my friend made an ass of herself at the bar and I came home drunk Do you not see how ridiculous this is? Okay, as long as I'm not the only one good.

Um, oh my Okay, okay You just did that it's a good thing I brushed my teeth Little coffee tastes good on you I mean, how did I not know I Wasn't looking for it. I was actually distinctly Telling myself it wasn't there Because it's easier that way. We're roommates.

We're not supposed to you know Do this because one of us is gonna end up homeless if this goes bad I Just thought you were being nice when you do things for me I Know Well, because nobody ever does nice things for me they just Anyway, I don't want to talk about that Cuz I'm an idiot. Okay, cuz I didn't want it to be there cuz like I said, we're gonna end up homeless You Are serious aren't you I'm suddenly not feeling drunk at all I Know it's 3 in the morning, and I know this is probably not the move but I Really want to be with you right now Yeah, like really really like really badly Well, I'm already technically naked it's just a bathrobe the hair is kind of a nightmare, but I mean you've seen worse And those are my favorite flannel pajama pants and The hideous sweater that your mom gave you What are you an old man? I Love it, though.

It's so you So I'm going to get off the couch and yet Yes Wait, what hold on? Oh, what are you asking me? See this is why I love you.

Oh Okay, forget I said that um, well, yeah, I know that was the conversation but we hadn't said it Wow, you just said it too. Okay. Now I'm really glad I'm down And in answer to your question, I'm Not drunk Like that anymore.

I'm pretty sober. I know what's going on. And yes, I do want to do this because Why wouldn't I? so lift up I Like these pants, but they're my way Hmm That's definitely better than the coffee Oh Such a nice cock Mm-hmm.

Yes, I said cock. Oh, it's in my mouth. If I can't say it we have a problem Your hands are so gentle on my head Just kind of resting not pushing just It's almost like you just want to touch me.

Oh That's what it is, okay.