Cin City Life ep.19

Transcript

Hello everyone! How are you doing? I hope all is well.

I think this might be the first time that I'm actually sitting at my desk recording one of these. I forgot what I wanted to talk about but I've had so many topics on my mind that I've been needing to sit down to talk about but I'm gonna start with something that I've come to experience recently. So ever since I moved back to Hungary, I've been finding it difficult to find my place, to be with friends and not being able to relate to them.

I've talked about this before, it's just, I don't know, it's like not quite fitting in anymore but also not really fitting in anywhere. Anyway, I started Chinese classes, Mandarin classes in the Taiwan Language Centre and it's actually been really lovely. They're hosting events as well and calligraphy which is a separate class but I'm taking that too.

It's nice to get out of the house and getting to know people and I actually met a girl who turns out she lives near me and she's incredibly lovely. We've got so much in common and it's just a really good connection that I've made. And I realised that it's really difficult to make friends when you're like over 25, you know? Because like a quarter of your life has passed already and you're supposed to, what, you're supposed to be settled down at this point and like have your own circle but what if you just had a major life change?

You don't go to work because you work from home, you freelance and the friends you have are either friends that you used to be friends with and maybe you don't have that much in common anymore or they have all built their own circles. Or friends you go out with to drink and like, I can't always do that. And they don't feel like genuine friendships because you meet up on Friday night, you get drunk or maybe just like you're out all night and you get home and you don't really talk for the rest of the week.

I joined these groups like Gargoyle International or like an expats group because I kind of, which is weird, but I kind of feel more at home with foreign people. But it almost seems like half of them, half of them are just here for a couple of weeks and the other half, maybe they don't work, they're just constantly doing these events like book club, philosophy club, climbing, swimming, everything, like foodies club and it's cool but I kind of, these events are there for you to just show up and then you know, they're very welcoming and very friendly. I've got such social anxiety, I cannot imagine myself just showing up and being friendly with people.

And this is my problem because I know that they're really friendly and welcoming because I've met them. I started going to this bar, I started going there because my friend goes there but it turns out it's like the meet up bar. So every time I go there, they ask me, oh, you're here for the meet up? And I'm like, what meet up? I'm just here to see my friend.

But it's actually really nice because people just walk up to you and start talking to you. And when I've had two gin and sodas in me, I'm a little bit more friendly as well. But that's okay.

But there was something really terrible that happened the other day. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But listen to this.

The Taiwan Center was hosting a mid-autumn celebration thingy. And for you all, if you understood that, probably not. I don't think I have a single Chinese speaker in my following.

But yeah, anyway. And they were hosting this event, mid-autumn celebration, and two of my friends were supposed to come. They both bailed.

So show up. Pretty much all the attendees were Hungarian except for like two or three people. So they all spoke Hungarian.

And I'm like, I feel it's disrespectful because our hosts don't speak Hungarian. Our hosts speak Chinese or English. So like speak Mandarin, please.

I mean, not Mandarin, obviously, because you don't speak Mandarin. Speak English, please. But they all spoke Hungarian.

And I felt like I don't want to, because it's disrespectful. But also, I don't want to act like, oh, she's too good to speak Hungarian. Because a lot of people treat me like that lately.

When I just speak English, because I feel more comfortable speaking English. This is why I pretend not to speak Hungarian sometimes. Because people say the way I speak English is pretentious.

I'm just, I can't help it. That is the way I got used to speaking. I can't change it.

I can't speak more common for you. I'm sorry, I'm well-spoken. The fuck? Okay, that sounded stupid.

But you know what I mean? Here in Hungary, when I speak English, everyone looks at me like, what the fuck? I'm like, I'm sorry.

This is what I sound like. Anyway, it was a two-hour event. And I just had this incredible social anxiety that hit me.

I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, where are my friends? They didn't come. Fucking Marina who slept, what's gonna happen now? These people are looking at me.

And I can't engage, and I can't engage, and what the fuck to do? And I almost had a panic attack there. And I'm not on medication anymore.

So I was like, oh my God, I wish I had something in my bag. Oh, eventually, I managed to feel a little bit better. Because some people were friendly, they're welcoming.

Again, it wasn't their fault. It was my fault for being the way I am. So it was, it did start to get better.

It was, yeah. But, oh my gosh. It wasn't easy.

But that's when I realized I really need to work on myself to be a little bit more social, I guess. Because they published, they published pictures and videos of the event. And I was looking at myself, standing in the fucking corner, looking miserable as fuck.

And even my friend sent it to me like, are you okay? Are you okay, Christina? I'm like, oh shit.

And I'm like, I didn't want to say this to you, because you fell asleep and didn't come. But I had a really shit time. And she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm like, it's not your fault. Like, it's not your responsibility for me to have a good time at an event that I willingly went to. I'm just, I need to, I need to work on myself.

So yeah, that happened. I'm good though. I'm good.

I'm gonna get over this. I know I have to, I have to. Yeah.

Anyway, making friends when you're on the wrong side of 20, huh? Wrong side of 20, 25 even, almost. Yeah.

Anyway, I hope you're all well. Thank you for listening to my event, if anyone even listens to these. Take care.