Caught by a Horde of "Hungry" Demons - Part 1

Transcript

All right, Apex, let's start seeing that data, come on, come on! Feeding the initial results to you now. I am still performing the majority of calculations.

Yeah, yeah, Yoda bites of info, I know, I know. We got like a few minutes tops though, can't leave all the math to me, man. Huh? Oh, yeah, just a few minutes really, the whole ship's screwed.

Apex, that entire database is BS, move on to the next one, I don't care what they're feeding officers, even if it is controversial. Huh? Oh, don't get me wrong, asthma was the only reason why we haven't already crashed.

Why the hell, talking about being punny, am I right? They'd put an FTL drive on a ship this big is beyond me, no human could safely pilot this thing over the inferno. But as great and unhuman as he may be, Adamo can only do so much.

This ship is like the size of, I don't know, a big city, multiple cities, what even is a city anymore? Have you ever stepped foot on a real planet, ever touched grass? I mean, you were born on a ship, right? Probably this one, getting ahead of myself there, sorry, gotta sneak into your bed like 38 more times before we properly exchange backstories, can't give you that kind of lore this early on.

Uh. .. What was I even saying? Oh, yeah, yes, we're crashing, no, there's nothing I can do to stop it, we're set to hit a big-ass mountain, cause, you know, hell still has a landscape, in about, uh, too soon a clock.

So, instead, I'm trying to get as much info as I can off this ship before it's blown to bitsies. Man, what a question. I mean, you are human, as far as I can tell, so I think you'll die some day, maybe, probably.

You're also an EPA employee, like, well, I guess all of humanity at this point, I think. But that also means that whether you know it or not, you're an experiment, and, hell, two of our crewmates are immortal, so maybe not? Me? Your guess is as good as mine, minus like a couple hundred times worth of processing power.

That was a joke, by the way. It's way more than that, I think. Oh, look, I know I claim to enjoy multitasking, but you are making it a bit difficult.

A ship this size is gonna be, like, broken in half or something. A collision can't wreck the whole thing, we'll probably be fine, but if the idea of crashing makes you sweat that much, I'd plop on a spacesuit, take one of, uh, these, and hold onto something. Not me, though, don't grab onto me, my little grubby fingers gotta fiddle this keyboard while they can.

That? Well, it's, uh. ..

An earpiece with an imprint of me within it. If you find yourself separated from the crew, or the ship where I am located, this will allow me to communicate with you, though with limited capabilities. And if the ship's network goes offline, which seems increasingly likely with my impact calculations, it will unfortunately leave you without a connection to your other crewmates, or my main database.

However, an imprint will still be of greater assistance than nothing at all. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Scared yet? You've had a bit of a peachy time on board, but today's tossed things up already, and it's about to be more.

Oh, trust me, I don't like it any more than you do. I wish I could prepare you more, but, well, it's a first for all of us. We've flown through here, yeah, of course.

Only for a few minutes at a time, though. Nothing longer than that, and, well, things start to get. ..

weird. And dangerous, of course, but the strangeness of it bothers me more. And that's when we're still flying in the air, faster than most of the fuckers can even catch us.

On the ground, standing still. I kinda hoped I'd never have to do it. A plan? I mean, yeah, sure.

I always have at least fifty, like, always, always. Sometimes I have to count my way up to fifty, and my plans involve busting a fat nut and eating crab rangoon till I go into a three-year coma, which, thankfully, I've only had to resort to once so far. But to be honest, it's not worth making much of a plan until, well, the big kabloomy.

There's countless possibilities. Like Tor said, we've never really seen the surface of this place. I mean, not in person, but one time I took a sneaky peeky through a window, saw some clouds and had fever dreams about it for a weeky.

Uh, anyways, Asmo doesn't like talking about it much, so it could all be flower fields and mushrooms, in which case I will be looking forward to dinner number six from the big man looking at you, Tor. Buuuut, I have a feeling it's gonna be a little more likely that we'll be fighting tooth and nail and desperately trying to regroup before one of us inevitably dies. Nose goes on that, by the way.

Not me. Oh. Not me.

Sorry, Bubblebutt. I'll bury you with that pink candle you keep by your bed. Actually, Jax, there are no candles on board.

Apex! I swear to god, don't ruin this for me. Anyways, yeah, Apex is kinda smart, I guess.

And even though the earpiece will just have an imprint, he'll probably be the best shot at survival if survival is in the question. You know what they say, everybody's got a water buffalo. I.

.. Everyone. ..

What? Jax, what the fuck are you smoking? Look, I'm really hoping for the fields and mushrooms, man.

Anyways, we have about ten seconds, so hold on to something if you want, like that pink definitely a candle, wink wink, and, uh, I don't know, sing a happy song? So, everybody's got a water buffalo. ..

Once a vision, only dreams. In darkened eyes, and pulse thrashed. Voices without thought, high to craze.

Devilship greed, fevered schemes. Wanders, but with worries hushed. A fear, a fire that can't freeze.

But gold won't stop our screams. Good morning, my sleepy survivor. I am glad to see that you are finally waking up, and gladder still that you have, in fact, survived.

Actually, it has only been about five minutes since impact. However, I wanted to make a humorous joke as you returned to consciousness, hoping that it might ease your nerves, as you have just crashed onto the surface of hell. Unfortunately, as I predicted, the capital ship has gone offline, and with it, my ability to connect you with the others.

I was able to make some rudimentary trajectory calculations in the brief moments of impact before the systems began to fail, and have a rough area that they could have landed. I can highlight the directions on your visor HUD. Please be aware that if they get up and begin to move as well, these areas will no longer be useful.

Yes, I would recommend moving towards these areas. In a normal disaster situation, it is ideal to remain where you are, so rescuers can have an easier time finding you. However, this is not a normal disaster, and being on hell, the true disaster may be yet to come.

What I mean is that in the EPA records, all extravehicular activity on hell has resulted in near total casualties. To put this simply, it is a good guess to assume you are currently prey being hunted. Update, the previous statement is no longer a good guess.

I have detected numerous non-human entities closing in on our location. So instead, it is now simply a fact that you are being hunted, not just an assumption. I suggest you begin moving a bit more quickly.

As this imprint has been programmed to give you the best odds of survival, I too was wondering just how grim this situation was and have attempted to analyze the oncomers as best as I am able with the equipment of this suit. The results are interesting. I will need to be returned to my main database to perform more calculations.

But in the meantime, my hypothesis is that the return of Asmodeus to hell's surface has caused an imbalance of kinds, like a living ecosystem getting a sudden burst of a chemical that it had been deprived of for an extended period. Being reunited with this chemical after the deprivation, it seems to have surged in your pursuers like a burst of adrenaline. My apologies, what I am trying to say is that the usually murderous demons who are about to catch up are showing signs similar to animals in heat.

According to all the data transferred to this imprint, the answer is no, it will not cause immediate damage to remove your suit. However, as the suit does act as body armor of sorts, I have to advise against it. That is a very disappointing takeaway from my information.

However, if your mind cannot be changed, then I will devote all my processing power to attempt reconnecting with my main database, while you, as you put it, distract the enemies. Good luck.