Catching You Stealing My Favorite Hoodie

Transcript

Hey, babe. Pass me my drink, please. Because I can't reach it.

Yeah, I know I have two hands at work, but you've got your head on my lap. I can't lean forward and get it off the coffee table unless you want me to squish your head. You really want me to do that? Because I can.

Oh, whatever. Your arms are not broken. They work just fine.

I'm going to squish your head. I'm going to lean forward and get it. Three, two, one.

Yeah, I thought that might do it. Thank you. Would it be too much to ask for us to scoot over a little bit so I can reach the end table here? Well, I mean, unless you want to be picking it up and putting it back for me.

Because I'm not going to chug the whole thing right now. No. You know what? I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take this can and I'm going to use your head as my coaster. I'll do it. It is too cold.

Look at that. You see that condensation on the side of the can? Yes.

You don't believe me? I'm going to stick it right on the back of your neck. Okay, okay, okay.

I won't do it. I won't do it. No.

I won't do it. But you were complaining about being too hot. So you're going to let me scoot over? Well, you're going to have to sit up a little bit.

Because if I just scoot over right now, your head falls off my lap and hits the can. Come on. I'm trying to be nice to you.

Just lift yourself up an inch. Well, I'm glad that you like having your head in my lap. No, I love it, but let's do the snuggling where I can actually set my drink down on a coaster, not a head coaster, and where I don't have to go putting a cold can of soda on the back of your neck just to get you to move so that I can put it back down on the coffee table.

You are too much. I know, baby girl. I know.

I love you too. Yes, I know. But just remember that turnabout's fair play.

Okay, if you're going to give me all this grief, I can do it back. Yes, I can. No, it is not part of the rules.

No, you don't get to give me grief and then walk Scott free. I give as good as I get, baby. You know this.

No, no, no, no, no. Do not do that. You knock it off right now.

Stop it with the puppy dog eyes. That is. ..

Damn you. Okay. Yes, I will pay the love toll and give you a kiss.

Now that you're up, I'm going to scoot over like this and you can lie back down. That wasn't so hard, was it? Well, you made it hard.

Yeah, it was hard. It was definitely hard. It didn't have to be hard.

You chose to make it hard. I just think you take joy in tormenting me. That's exactly why you're my girlfriend, isn't it? You saw me, you're like, you know what? It would be a lot of fun to push that guy's buttons.

I'm going to go be his girlfriend. And then you gave me those puppy dog eyes and I was defensive. That's why I was fighting dirty.

Because I don't have defense. I don't have a counter. I don't have defense.

Okay. Now snuggle back in. Make yourself comfy.

I don't know. I kind of like this. Well, it's cozy.

No, we don't have to be constantly doing something together. We can be doing our own things together from time to time. And it still counts.

You're enjoying your game. I'm enjoying my book. Win-win, babe.

Besides, this way I can run my fingers through your hair. You know that's what you're really after. We both know that's what you're really after.

Alright. Now quiet down. Because I'm at the exciting part of my book.

Baby. Yeah, I know you're not talking, but you're still being restless. Because it's really hard for me to get comfortable and read my book when you've got your head in my lap and you won't sit still.

You see what I meant about tormenting me? Well, if you're too hot, kick the blanket off. Besides, you're the one that set the thermostat.

I know your tricks. I do. No, when I was cleaning up from dinner, you went in there and you changed the thermostat.

Babe, I just set you up. Because you always deny playing with the thermostat, and so I deliberately went and turned the AC off. So the only way it kicked on is if you were fiddling with the thermostat.

I know. No, baby. It's okay.

I let you play with it. Yes, I did. Because when you go and you think you're doing it on your own, but you're not really because I'm allowing you to, but I'm not saying anything about it, I'm still letting you.

Would you just let it go, please? Okay, I will if you will. Ready? Set? We're going to let it go.

Right now. Nope. Can't talk about it.

Never again. In fact, you can't even use the word thermostat from now on. Neither can I.

I just did. Can't do it again. We're done.

Nope. Nope. Not okay.

Mm-mm. Forget it. No.

You gotta forget the word. Well, you can call it the. ..

I don't know. The temperature thingy. Call it that from now on.

But the word thermostat? Gone. Then call it the climate control.

Or the HVAC. Shut up. Yeah, I know I'm a nerd.

You like it. Admit it. You like it.

Whatever. Alright. You know, it was painful enough to get you to sit up a little bit so I could scoot over a foot, but now I really need you to sit up.

Because I need to go use the bathroom. And it's going to be really painful if I can't. Thank you.

Hi. Ooh! Sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you that bad. What are you doing in here? Well, yeah, I know I said I was going to go to the bathroom.

But I didn't. Well, I didn't have to go. Because I was setting you up again.

And you walked right into it. No, I'm a detective. That's what I am.

I'm not a creeper hiding in the closet. Well, yeah, I kind of am. But I'm a detective creeper.

That you're going out with. So deal with it. And I set you up.

Because you are a hoodie thief. Yes, you are. You remember last week when I could not find my college hoodie? And I kept talking about it.

And I couldn't find it. I didn't know where it was. And I looked everywhere.

I looked high and low. I was late to work. I checked my car.

Called my mom. Couldn't figure out where it was. I went over to Paul's house.

Couldn't find it there. I even drove all the way over to work to see if I left it there. Okay? And then it mysteriously turns up in my closet.

The same evening you come over. No, I did not just miss it. Because I know what it looks like.

I wear it all the time. Oh, you are so full of crap. Girl, that's not the first time it's happened either.

And it goes missing. And then it finds its way back into my closet. Several days later.

It's a mystery. And I just solved it. I solved it a long time ago.

But I didn't have proof. Well, now I got the proof. So, I'm going to tell you what was going on.

I told you I had to go to the bathroom so that I could come over here and hide. And you wouldn't know what was going on. And then you would think you could sneak into my closet and steal my hoodie.

But the joke's on you because I caught you red-handed. You stop it right now. No.

Oh, you. Stop biting your lip at me. No, I am made of stone.

But even stone can melt. Okay. Baby, you're just fighting dirty tonight.

Yeah, you are. And you know it. Oh, so it works just as well if I bite my lip at you? Hmm.

No, it doesn't. Because we both know it's not cute when I do it. No.

Well, you think it's cute. But you're wrong. Because I know it's not.

Stop it. Stop it! Damn it.

Stop biting my lip. Really? Really? This is the way you're going to play it? Get over here.

There you go. I'm going to wrap you up tight so that you can't steal my hoodie. And.

.. I love you. Even if you are a hoodie thief.

Why? No, this has happened so many times. Yes, it has.

I haven't said anything about it a lot of times because it was other hoodies. So why are you taking them? No.

Babe, that's not true. No, I'm calling bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry.

Because I've only forgotten half the word. I just said the whole thing. Damn it.

But I was going to say thermometer, but the stat part is the part I haven't forgotten yet. But I forgot thermo on the front end of it. But I know thermometer.

I was trying to say that. Promise. I tripped over my tongue.

You have free reign over the magic AC box. So you don't need to steal my hoodie. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Babe, I wear it like all the time.

Especially this time of year. Come on. You at least owe me an explanation.

Because you're a low-down rotten hoodie thief, that's why. And a sneaky magic heating and AC box changer. You're that too.

See? I didn't use the word that time. Because I forgot it.

I don't even know what word you're supposed to forget. Because I forgot. Dunno.

I did forget it. Now I'm not lying to you. I'm totally not.

Cross my heart. Damn. Okay, well maybe I didn't forget it.

But I did resolve never to use it again. Because we let it go. We did.

I was there. You were there. Mm-mm.

If you want the hoodie that bad, just grab it off the hanger and let's go back in the living room. But you still have to explain. Stop it.

I'm looking away this time. Mm-mm. I'm not turning back to you.

No, I'm looking away. Because you're fighting dirty. You keep doing it.

Oh, that's also fighting dirty, baby. Come on. You step into me and put your arms around me and.

.. Fine. That's the last one.

And now we're going back in the living room. So why have you been taking my hoodies, babe? Ugh.

Because they smell like me and you like to hold them and think of me. Oh my gosh. No, it's.

.. That is. ..

That is, like, one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. No, it's adorable and it's cute and I love it and I love you. Babe, you're just fighting all kinds of dirty tonight.

Yes, you are. You're making puppy dog eyes. You're biting your lip.

You're sneaking in and giving me cuddles and kisses on my neck and my cheeks and then you're saying stuff like that, but I have no defense against any of this. I love you too. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

No, I'm not going to give you the hoodie. Because I like it and if I give it to you, then it's not going to smell like me anymore. But what I'm going to do.

.. You have free access to the magic air temperature controlly box and you have free access to the hoodies. You don't have to hide it anymore.

You can steal them whenever you want. And it's not even stealing. But you can pretend it's stealing if it makes it more exciting.

And I'll pretend I don't know. Alright, fine. Now, you have me confused.

Are you too hot? Are you too cold? You're just right.

Figures. Alright, babe. Wrap up.

Snuggle in. Love you.