Buddy System [M4A][Sardonic][Antics][Frenemies to ???][Gradually Warming Up][Sweet]

Transcript

Audio log, July 7th, 2056, 152 days, 152 trials, that's how many times it took until this stupid thing came online, man and machine, who ever thought we could get along or even be on the same page. Every day since then, all this robot has made me do is look like a complete fool, especially in front of the scientist panel, I'm one of the best minds of the world for god's sake, or at least I'm supposed to. You're kidding, you're kidding, with my luck, they probably broke one of my best crystal glasses.

If whatever you broke was expensive, I'm personally making you go out, find a real human job, and pay it back, hey, hey robot. Come to think of it, I haven't even given you a name yet. How does walking pile of taxpayer money sound, hmm? Look, this is the part where you clean up the plate you broke and apologize, wasn't your fault.

Never thought a robot could lie, this truly could be a groundbreaking discovery. You're not lying? Then explain, explain to me in complete detail how that porcelain plate somehow just spontaneously broke in your hand.

I'm certain that breaks one of Newton's laws, third law was it? So you were just holding it, inspecting it for whatever reason, and then it shattered. Wait, hey, your hand, your strength, how could I forget? Robot, are you by chance familiar with the phrase bull in a china shop? Of course you are.

Yes, it's something we humans use to describe a person who's not too delicate with their mannerism. Well, I suppose you could have known. The carbon fiber that composes your skeleton makes you too strong for your own good.

Yeah, you're made of carbon fiber. When I built you, I figured you needed to have some degrees of strength. You never know when someone might want to pillage your parts.

You learn something every day, blah, blah, blah, now just get this cleaned up. Magic word. Who do you think you are, a toddler? You're a refined, elegant android.

Or at least thought to be one. You've been watching TV. Yeah, yeah, I figured.

Saw hours worth of animal documentaries and news programs being recorded this morning. TV rots your brain, you know. So you really won't clean this up unless I say it? No.

You may not offer to teach me manners. I know how to use them. It's just when a robot is telling me to do something.

Fine. Fine. Will you please clean this up? There.

Happy? Good. The broom and dustpan are in the closet, to the right of the refrigerator.

Swipe that smug look out of your face, will you? And what are you even doing here in the lab's kitchen? It's almost 10 PM and I'm working on something very, very important up in my office.

I could be watching you all the time. No, I haven't eaten. But I'm used to it.

My work is my food. Don't try to change the subject on me now. Oh.

You were trying to make me dinner. I thank you, I suppose? I didn't know you would pick up cooking among your many other hobbies.

From the looks of everything on the counter, peanut butter, banana, and jelly, it seems like a good PB&J. But why? I suppose it's fantastic that you're learning and all, but I figured you would be more geared towards solving equations?

Programming things that humans can't even fathom. Not cooking. But, I mean, you're always more on the cultural side of things.

Oh no, no, trust me, that was a compliment to my vocabulary. I just think that you're a billion-dollar machine, you know? I don't think they need a robot to do stuff in France.

Oh, a knife. Now, you got a knife. Listen, listen, I didn't mean anything by that.

Okay, thanks. Thanks for cutting my sandwich. Sorry.

Yes, I know it never hurt a human. I programmed you, but can you really blame me for having a bit of a fight-or-flight moment there? My life flashed before my eyes and it was all computer screen.

You know damn well how to cut a sandwich. I mean, these are like the cleanest slices I've ever seen. And they're diagonal, too.

How'd you know that I like them cut this way? No, actually, no. No, don't answer that stupid question.

You've probably been scrutinizing every one of my mannerisms ever since you came online. I mean, look, we're even leaning on the countertop the same way. Which reminds me, is this lab coat mine? Come here, let me take a closer look at that.

This is mine, yeah. Look, right down to the size, the brand, and the emergency ballpoint pens I keep in the left pocket. Have you been snooping around my wardrobe? My room? I know I shouldn't have left you alone on Tuesday.

I can't even go to the grocery store for a few minutes without you plundering my closet. I feel no sense of privacy. But if anything, it compliments you.

It really compliments your whole look. I mean, it may be boring on me, but definitely not on you. Correct? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, it looks really nice. I guess.

I mean, I have like 50 of the same kind anyway, but. ..