Broken Beauty: Imperfect

Transcript

Hey everybody, so I thought since I work so hard on trying to be real and show you everything, it was important that you got to see this side of me too. And that's the side that has to deal with my autoimmune diseases. Yesterday I was at our Dungeons and Dragons games that we do with friends.

And it was the first time since COVID that I'd been with a whole group of people. And I was so excited. Our closest friends had just gotten a beautiful brand new dining room set.

And they were so proud because it was going to be able to fit all, how many of us were there. So me, my husband, my child, another couple, two other players, and the DMs. So eight people were going to be able to build a play at this table.

And he had a cool raised gaming platform for our map. It was amazing. But it was a very high table.

And the chairs were almost like bar stools. And they were totally wood with no padding. And I have had spinal surgery.

And I've had back problems for a long time. And I also have a couple of neurological conditions. One of which is when I I, if my body gets into too much pain, I have a seizure like the kind you see on TV for epileptics, even though it's not epileptic in nature.

And that's what happened. I've been at this table for far too long. And when I realized I needed to move, I could no longer speak the words to articulate it.

I really don't remember what happened. I just know that they said I started shaking even before I tried to stand up. And the next thing I remember, I was laying down on the couch and my husband was beside me, squeezing my hand, we have a squeeze a code squeeze number, so he knows even if I can't speak to him.

Because it's as you can hear in my voice, it, it affects even, even after the fact, it can really affect the way I speak. It's, it's bad right now, because I'm, I'm, I'm in a lot of pain. And I'm actually in here, because I'm trying to deal with the pain.

So I don't have another seizure. The stuttering and the speech issues are a problem both before and after. So my, my husband's squeezed my hand three times, three times, which is a code from an old episode of Grey's Anatomy.

You know, they always say if you can't speak, blink once for yes, two for no. And one episode, this little girl was saying to her daddy, you know, that her daddy blinked three times, and nobody understood what that meant. And his daughter went, it means I love you.

So when I have a seizure, and if I can't speak, if I can't move or communicate with my husband, or my child, that's, that's the code to let them know that I'm there. I'm, I'm, I'm conscious, I'm aware, I just can't communicate. I just can't communicate.

So I have, so I should have been better, taken better care of my body and spoken up and said I was in pain yesterday, so I didn't have a seizure. It's been so long since I've had one. The thing about COVID is I've been home.

So I've been in my recliner, in my bed, in, you know, comfortable places. I don't get as uncomfortable in my own space because it's designed to be my, my, my comfy place. And so having to get used to being outside, literally my comfort zone.

And even though I'm home now, I'm still dealing with the pain and the after effects of having been in, in chairs that weren't designed to have me in there for, well, from one in the afternoon to almost 11pm at night. So with a brief rest here and there, very brief. So, but I spend a lot of time trying to appear perfect, trying to hide my flaws, particularly when I'm comes to my health, because it's unsexy.

Nobody wants to have sex with somebody they've heard, they look at and see as broken as aging, even though I, everybody still swears that I look as good at 40 as I did at 20, which is, you know, nice to hear, but you never know if you can really believe, believe it. In my case, it's shocking that I can appear so physically and mentally fine one minute, and the next, I can be almost completely incapacitated. And the side effects are unsexy, unappealing.

Nobody wants to fuck the girl in the wheelchair. Nobody wants to hear an audio from somebody who can only articulate her sentences 50% of the time. That's not sexy.

But conversely, that's also not real. It's certainly not in my life. And this is my reality.

Sometimes, yes, I get to be the cute little, you know, baby girl, little red riding hood or the, the indomitable mistress that is in control of everything. And sometimes I am just human, broken and flawed and imperfect. And sometimes I hurt.

And what breaks my heart is how it seems like your image as a sexual being gets completely destroyed this second you are imperfect. The second I am seen in my wheelchair when I have to go to big events because I can't be at my feet that long. The same thing will happen is what happened is me sitting too long in a very uncomfortable surface.

Fortunately, my wheelchair is very well padded. And I usually have a back pillow or some kind of lumbar support when I'm in my chair. But also, you know, like I, fortunately, I was with very dear friends yesterday that know and have seen.

They knew what they were dealing with. They weren't surprised. Unfortunately, one of them was a nurse.

So I was I was in very good hands. But I have seen the look of pity. The look of fucking pity that clouds over somebody's face.

And you can't you can't lust after someone you pity. You can't lust after someone you pity. It just demeans them in ways you don't understand.

And I know people think pity is kind, but it's. .. And sometimes it's necessary.

Sometimes you do have to take pity on those that that can't help themselves or find the healthy thing to do with them within their own lives. But for the rest of us that are trying to have normal lives, and yes, we've had the shit that we can't control happen to us. But we're trying to be fucking warriors here.

Don't pity us. And don't be afraid of us and stop thinking that we lose all sexual appeal just because some part of us is broken because I've got news we're all fucking broken. Every one of us is broken in some way, shape, or form.

Believe me, I have so many things that I am ashamed of. The things that make me most embarrassed, especially when it comes to sex, is because it's another way of being. It's another way in which I feel I am broken.

And I'm not going to lay them all out in this one audio because I can't do it all at once. Letting you hear me fight to find the words or to speak the words when usually I am so very coherent. Letting you hear the stutters.

Letting you hear the imperfections. And hoping that if this is the first time you have heard me, that you hear this and then give some of my other work a listen so you can appreciate the difference. This is only a part of me.

This is only a very small facet of who I am. And this in no way detracts from the fact that the best thing I can do for myself right now to make sure I don't have another full panic horrible seizure is to try to not be in pain. Yesterday I was very fortunate.

I still had some narcotics available. They passed a lot of prescriptions. Today I have nothing.

It's just a tiny little pot and the ability to cum. And I've said this in the past, your ability to orgasm can get you through a lot of fucking shit. And for me, it helps with the pain.

And it also helps when I'm stuttering bad like this. It helps reconnect things. It's almost, in my experience, it's almost regenerative letting myself cum when I'm dealing with seizures and neurological problems from my autoimmune diseases after I've had flare ups.

So honestly, the very best thing you can do when you are in pain, or if you feel like you're capable of it, is trying to get those good juices flowing by cumming. So that is precisely what I'm going to try to do because honestly, it's pretty much all I've pretty much all I've got left at this point. I'd really rather not deal with the body shakes of having been in too much pain and not being able to cope.

I'd rather the body shakes of being in way too much pleasure and not being able to cope. Let's see. I think I'll hold my clip stimulator because it always does the job and it's easy to hold.

But I am sure I'm going to question myself at least a dozen times after I've finished recording this about whether I ever want this actually to be heard. Because as open as I do my best at being, even I even I am ashamed of not being perfect, which is stupid. Is stupid.

But I fight so hard to seem normal. And I want the people who know me I don't want to be pitied. I want to be someone people look up to.

Yet this subby side of me really wants to be a girl that gets rescued by tall, dark, dashing strangers. But I'm working on being a subby side of me. Self-rescuing princess.

So I guess that's what I'm doing right now. Since I don't have anybody here to help me come, I'll just have to rescue myself. Oh, God, it's weird that even as the tension in my pussy is mounting, I can feel every other part of me just starting to relax.

Oh, yes. Oh. I know a lot of my listeners actually were kind enough to throw some messages up that I could use some energetic healing.

I could use the happy thoughts you guys have when you listen to me and you make yourselves come listening to me. I think I almost felt you out there, which is why I felt like I owed you my vulnerability.