💋 🚘 Backseat Date Night 🚘 💋 (F4A) (British Tomboy) (Driving Us Home After Work) (The Car Brakes Down) (Cuddling on the Back Seats)

Transcript

Good evening, beautiful person. You okay? Ready to go? Good.

Let's skedaddle. Mm-hmm. Skedaddling mainly consists of walking slowly through the car, I guess.

I'm glad you understand. Mm-hmm. Good.

Let's go home and do nothing for 48 hours, please. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Let's go home and do nothing for 48 hours, please. I'm in the mood to be violently inactive.

I have a gift for doing nothing. I can't squander it, don't ask me to. Hello car.

Take us home. Oh, you're gone all right, Steve. Hello car.

Take us home. Oh, you're gone all right, Steve. This job is looking at pace with my life or I would not come back here.

I would spend my days on Instagram, eating and occasionally kissing your face. I would prioritize that, yes. But the job does pay for the life, so what can you do? But be grateful and drive your ass home.

Here we go. I don't like it when it snows. I mean, I do, it's pretty, but I don't like the snow when I'm driving.

Cause it's scary and I'm a baby and I don't like scary snow. And I especially don't like it when I'm carrying precious cargo. You, you ninny.

Well, if I get into a car accident, that's on me. But if I'm with you and I crash and you're inside, I can't even finish that scenario. We're not talking about the same lot.

Essentially, I just don't like driving with you. Because you're a limited edition and I'm. ..

can't make friends. Never mind partners, so let's just stop that imaginary scenario right there. You are loved, bitch.

Accept it. Oh my god, shoot me. It is not possible for one person to be this sleepy.

Or hungry or ready to lie down in the dark next to you. But somehow I do it. I think I have lasagna in the fridge.

Mm-hmm. Oh my god, I need a bath. I need to soak my bones, they need to float.

That's fine, the car always makes noises. No, this is just usually the part where I don't. I'm Beyoncé up and I'm like, all the single ladies don't have car problems.

Or because they don't like going to the garage, they're intimidating. They're always like, so what's the problem? And it's like, I don't know, the car made a noise and it's dinging and help.

It's just another excuse to pay someone to make me feel inadequate. It's fine. Soggy gets us from A to B, it's all good.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I don't know, I was told it was rude to yawn. But it's very strange that we apologize for it, because we don't even really know why it happened, so why are we apologizing for it in the first place?

It's kind of like migraines, you don't have a migraine and then you go, I'm so sorry I had a migraine in front of you, like, what? Society is a bunch of rules that make no sense and they make us all miserable. Thank you, I made it up.

Just like society. What are you doing with your night, my love? They're going to have a shower, they're going to put some PJs on and they're going to relax.

I like to do that much. You sound sensible. It's why I fell in love with you.

You are sensible. Oh. Excuse me, being sensible is very attractive.

I don't want to be going out with a dafty. That role is already taken in the relationship, thank you very much, stay in your lane. Know your place.

Dafty is occupied. Oh, shut up. Stop it! No flirting while I'm operating a vehicle, this could end in tears.

Oh, oh, what? Oh, fuck, what? Now what, what, what car, what? What car, what? Why is it beeping at me? It's flashing red.

That's not usually a good sign. It died. Come on, baby car, we're only ten minutes from home.

Ten minutes by you, two hours by us walking, come on. You can do it. Now it's just.

.. The battery's died, hasn't it? I don't even have the energy to cry.

I'm going to text the breakdown people. What three words, location, come find us, I'm an idiot, thank you very much. I'm sorry I'm the girlfriend.

I'm sorry I have an old crusty car, I'm sorry. Forgive me, I'm poor and lazy. You annoyed? I'm fine.

It's okay if you are. And of course it breaks down when it's freezing and snowing and our tits are going to drop off. Maybe, maybe they will, we might find out.

Hello, service people, how long will you. .. Estimated time of arrival, four hours, oh great.

Should we just leave the car and walk home or. .. Oh, sorry.

What does it say? Please remain with the vehicle with your hazards on. Cool.

I perfectly understand if you wish to break up. I do understand, but I'd also be very upset, so. ..

But it's your call, free will and all that. Don't tell me to shut up, I'm offering you a guilt-free breakup. Well that's nice, thanks for staying.

Four hours. Four frickin' feckin' hours, I'm so sorry. You can shoot me now.

The UK and their damn firearm safety! Fine, we have no access to guns, you'll just have to strangle me. Apparently that takes a lot longer than you think.

Yeah, too much hard work. How about I stay with the car, you walk home, I'll stay on the phone with you, so if anybody tries to kidnap you I'll be like, get back motherfucker, I know nothing but I will be very cross and I will bite. Why aren't you using my brain? I can just call you an Uber.

No, because I have to stay with the car. Yes, but you don't have to stay with the car, you can go home and have a bath and chill out and have a nice evening because you don't have a shit piece of car. No, no, no, don't do that thing where it's like, no, I'll stay with you, it's like, why? We both don't have to suffer.

This is what I want. Why? We both don't have to suffer.

This suffering is optional, you can opt out. I will absolutely not hold it against you. My pinky promise.

Oh, why do you have to be a nice human being? Just go and be selfish and have a nice time. I love you so much but you're so stupid.

This is the wrong option, okay? If I was looking at this objectively, I would say it's wrong. Don't do that.

But you're not dumb, don't act dumb, where are you going? Pardon? This is not a date night, what is wrong with you? This is my piss-poor planning.

And slight ADHD coming to the foreground and making us pay for my mistakes. You don't want to stay here. No, you don't, your empathy is getting the better of you, I've told you about that.

Hello? Why are you getting in the back? This is not a taxi.

You fiendish, stubborn, wonderful person, I'm coming. Hello. Thanks for joining your sad sack, girlfriend.

But you're going to be all cold. I'm not going to be cold. You're very, very cute, do you know that? And stupidly thoughtful and foolishly loyal and just.

.. really great but it doesn't work to your advantage. I'm not going to be cold.

I'm not going to be cold. I'm not going to be cold. I mean, I benefit from it but.

.. I feel kind of bad for you. I'll make it up to you, okay? Are you really going to stay here four hours? Four hours in a crappy car, freezing my titties off with me.

I mean, you could be at home, snuggled up in your PJs, playing some kind of game that I don't understand but I'm very happy for you to play. This is incorrect. This is an incorrect choice.

You are foolish. Fool of a toque. Hold thy tongue in the presence of moi.

We are not talking about work. We might as well use this opportunity to finish up. What blasphemy are you speaking? We are not in work, so why would we talk about work? Rhetorical question.

I really love you. I really, just. ..

squish your face, rage, cute, love you. But please shut up. No emails.

No client. No meetings. No lender from accounts, okay? None of that.

Because on top of frozen titties, you'll also make my brain atrophy. Please don't do this to me. Why don't we talk about the fact that you, you, you, have really appalling taste in women.

Now I know I'm a bi-little goblin, and that's kind of the appeal. It's like, ooh, what is she, sweet and sour or just plain rancid? But really, I say this subjectively, you can do better.

But I don't know what else to tell you apart from the truth. You wouldn't want me to lie to you, would you? Hmm.

.. Me do better? I don't think so.

Mm-mm. Me don't know so. Because you are adorable, sweet, loyal, helpful to a fault, puts yourself in harm's way just to help me.

You just, you're made up. You were written by a woman with self-esteem and high standards. And somehow I found you, and it's a glitch in the Matrix that I will have to bear, and by bear I mean yes!