😳 Accidental Proximity 😳 (F4A) (Travelling with Your Tomboy Bestie) (There’s Only One Bed…) (Embarrassed to Horny?)

Transcript

And lo, they were delivered! Oh, salvation, civilization, carpet, a bed, and four walls. Oh boy, I am missing! Travel does not broaden the mind, travel exhausts the mind.

With aggravation, cramped spaces and airplanes. This is what comes from living on a tiny island, you can't get anywhere without those stupid sky things. But it matters not, we are safe, in a hotel room, everything is okay.

What's the matter? You, why are you standing in the door? Ed? I'm aware there's one bed.

I don't see your conniption. Oh for God's sake, how many times did we share a bed when we were kids? I promise you have no fear from me of wetting the bed.

I stopped about three years ago. Nom nom nom. Stop being a fecking weirdo and just lay down.

We've been on our feet all day, then we've been cramped in a small space, you just need to relax. Standing stiffly in the doorway is not relaxing, come. I will come fetch you.

I will, I'm up, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. Now you come. I will throw you on the bed and I will lay next to you and we will pass out together.

Cause that's what real friends do, you're welcome. I might spoon you in the middle of the night but don't worry. Nothing too drastic.

Because this was the very last room and they said well it's either this or nothing and I said you know what? Somehow, some way inside I can stomach sleeping next to somebody I really trust. Call me a perverted sex witch, I know.

You'll be asleep in no time, don't worry about it. You won't even know I'm here. Unless I start jetpacking you in the middle of the night, but you know.

Across that bridge and all that. Oh come on, I'm only half joking. Ever since puberty came along you've lost a tenderness to you.

You used to cuddle me all the time when we were babies. You'd be all snuggly and mmm. I'll keep you safe, that's what you used to say.

And then there was big storms and I was like mmm I'm not scared but can I sleep in your room? And you were all I'll keep you safe, we'll be safe together. You did.

You little liar. Why lie? It's so cute.

Because you would have protected me, I know you would have. Because you're a big strong softy underneath all that awkwardness and stiffness, I know. I'm going to hug you now.

And you're gonna either tolerate it or like it, it's your choice. I'm gonna hug you now. And you're gonna either tolerate it or like it, it's your choice.

Thank you for coming with me. Because one, I don't have any other friends and two, you're very patient with me. Me with all my anxiety and we're gonna be late, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

No, it's four hours too early but we need to go, come on. And with the twitchiness on the plane and I need to get off, no, no, no, no, no, sit down. Sit down.

I'm saying I appreciate your calmness and the fact that you tolerate me so thank you very much. Oh, see, I said you were just a big softy. You being all, I don't tolerate you, I like you.

No. Who's making fun? No one's making fun.

I am making appreciation. More strangely, you deserve to be appreciated. I know, what a concept.

It's almost like I like you. It's almost like you're a very, very decent human being. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Because then they'll circle like vultures and they'll want to take you away from me and I don't know. I don't share, I'm clinging with my people. Because you're rare, like shiny Pokemon in the 90s.

No, you may not have my shiny Charizard thingy jigglypuff. I don't remember the names. You may not have my shiny bestie, get your own.

I would never trade you. Not even for chicken nuggets on a night out. Not even if there was a Diet Coke thrown in.

Because I have invested in you, I've spent time with you, I have bonded with you and you're just gonna have to suck it up? This is a lifelong commitment. Thank you for coming with me.

Because I really, really, really, really wanted to go and you were like, well, nobody else is gonna go with you, so I'll come with you. I know, you didn't hate the idea, but you didn't love it as much as I did, so thank you. You're just such a wholesome spud.

You're just such a wholesome spud. You're the cutest little potato ever. Because even when you don't want to do things, you do them because you know it'll make me happy.

What is cuter than that? It's the pinnacle of cute. Uh, well, you're just gonna have to get over that because you are cute.

Very. Everybody wants to be cute. Who doesn't want to be cute? Well, I'll suck it up because you are.

Okay, how hard am I gonna have to squeeze you until you understand that you are cute? Like this? More like this? Say it.

Say you're cute. Then I'll say, you are feckin' adorable. Suck on that.

Then you got a little cheat kiss thrown in too. Now we're at that stage. The stage where we can be cute and cutesy and hug and squeeze and kiss occasionally.

That is friendship. Oh, so you've never kissed a friend? Well, no, but I've always wanted to.

Your friends are the best people to kiss. Because they like you, they love you, they want to protect you. Why would you not? They're the best people to kiss.

Ah, c'est la vie. We're alligators' cheat kisses. Okay.

Before I pass out, I need to go brush my teeth and change into something that is not these. Keep your knickers on, I'll change in the bathroom. Prudy prude.

Actually, I take that back, sorry. A guy once called me prude and it really stuck in my crawl. You are not prude, you just know your own boundaries.

Sorry. I didn't mean to be a dick, I was just. ..

Anyway, take your time. I'm gonna go change knickers. I shall see you in a bit.

Also, you are very cute, so get over yourself. We are now officially ready for Bedfordshire. Mmm.

Are you a lefty or a righty? I am a starfish, crocodile spinner, everything, so it really doesn't matter. Left it is.

Mmm. Have you calmed down any? I told you the exhaustion of a day would make it all okay.

Who cares who you slept next to, you've been on that aeroplane for god knows how long. Nothing matters except laying down in the dark. Mmm.

Mmm. I'll be fine. That's cool.

It's more of a hobby. Are you warm enough? You sure? Actually sure.

Because you're the type of person who says, I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine, and then you're freezing your bones off. I don't know, it's almost like I know you. You sure? Let me feel.

You're all chilly. You're a cold, clammy mess. Shush, come here.

Guess you need jetpacking. It's no problem, I insist, I engage, I am one with the decision. It's fine, I told you I have knickers on.

It's not jetpacking unless I wrap my legs around you. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Let the thickness encapsulate you and warm you through.

We might as well be good for something. Ah, you see, everyone says that, everyone says, oh, thick thighs are in. They are a feckin' nuisance.

Because they never fit in jeans. They are heavy, they rub together, and everyone's like, you're so lucky, it's like, you try having them then. They need salve and moisturizing and taking care of, it's like tits.

Oh, everybody loves tits until it's time to manage them. Oh, everybody loves tits until it's time to manage them. Oh, they're sore, they sting, they bruise, they wanna be in a bra, they don't wanna be in a bra.

You try getting them into a sports bra and it's like wrestling ferrets. They are high-maintenance globs. You are welcome to have them.

Mm-hmm. I'll leave them to you in my will. I bequeath thee the thighs and breasts.

And I'm not talking about a KFC bonus bucket. I've missed you. Well, somebody had to get a faraway fancy job and leave.

So now I'm relegated to dragging you on trips you don't really wanna go on. I know, I know. You didn't wanna not come, just.

.. I wish I saw you more. How many other ways can I say this? I am knee-deep.

And I only like about five people and you were one of those people, so. .. If you could find a way to stop having a successful career away from me, that would be.

.. really good. Are you warming up? Mmm.

.. Mmm. ..

Mmm. .. Mmm.

.. Mmm. ..

Mmm. .. Mmm.

.. Mmm. ..

Mmm. .. Mmm.

.. Mmm. ..

Mmm. .. Mmm.

.. Mmm. ..

What? I'm not making noises. Whatever.

Mmm. .. Mmm.

.. Hmm? What? What noises? I'm just breathing.

I look so weak. God! I'll breathe over here then.

Sensitive fucker. Mmm. ..

If you wanna hear real noises, I can make them. Mmm. ..

Nevermind.