4. Seduction & Sexual Self Awareness

Transcript

What do you want your ideal sex life to look like? This is the question that you should be asking yourself. Because the more you prioritize your sex life with yourself and with your lover or lovers, the more relationship satisfaction you will be able to achieve.

I'm Marla Renee Stewart, co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay, Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex. Your sexual identity is an important part of maintaining a healthy and happy sexual life. What is it that you need to enjoy your sexual experiences? It's important to be honest with yourself, think thoroughly through the answers and tap into your authentic self, not what you should be doing, but what you truly want to do.

If you are in a relationship or in multiple relationships, I think it's important to do this with them so that you are all on the same page about how you want to prioritize your sex life. This concept comes from Dr. Ian Kerner, and I found having these quote-unquote relationship goals really help to establish accountability between everyone in the relationship.

Again, you'll need paper and something to write with for these prompts. Talk through them, but make sure that you keep your final answers simple, succinct and easy to understand. This is a relationship reference tool, so keep that in mind when you're doing this exercise.

The first question is, what does it mean to have great sex to you? You can think about previous times that you've had sex, whether with yourself or with someone else, and thought it was fantastic. What was taking place when you were having great sex? What made it so good? How did they touch you? How did they sound? What was the environment like? The next question is, what should sex look like each time you have sex? Are there things that you want to do consistently? You know, most of us tend to get into sexual patterns because we know what feels good to our bodies, and the faster we can get to those things, we know that it will feel great.

However, these patterns over and over again tend to get boring over time. So think about the things that need to be the most consistent for you. For example, is oral sex a requirement for every time you have sex? I mean, it is with me, but you know, that's a different story.

Maybe it's a requirement to always have an orgasm. Whatever it is, it's all up to you. Again, the question is, what should sex look like each time you have sex? The next question is about frequency.

How many times a week or how many times a month do you want to have sex? Although it's recommended that three to four times a week is a good amount, especially when thinking about taking advantage of all of the amazing health benefits that sex has for you and your lover or lovers, you should really think about what feels good and feasible for your schedule and your energy levels. You know, how many spoons do you have? If that's once a month, that is okay.

There are no wrong answers here. Again, if you're in a couple or if you're in a relationship, it's best to talk these out, right? To get some sort of compromise so that, you know, all of you will be satisfied in your sexual relationship.

The next question is about exploration. How often do you want to explore something new? Whether it's a new position, place, toy, et cetera, when is a good time to do something that is new to you or new to your relationship?

Maybe it's once a month or once a quarter. Although it's fun to be ambitious and think that you may want to do something new every week, I've noticed with my clients that it feels too unattainable and unrealistic to have that kind of goal. It's a really aggressive goal, really.

And that's just something to take into consideration. Now let's think about your sexual assets. What are you proud of? If you're having a hard time figuring that out, asking previous lovers, go ahead, do it.

It doesn't harm you. It's okay. Asking previous lovers what they loved about having sex with you is a great place to start.

I know it might be difficult, but the best part is that it would be a brief moment in your life and it could inform you tremendously about who you are as a sexual being and how others may perceive you as a sexual being. So go ahead and ask. The next set of questions are really geared towards folks who are in a relationship or in multiple relationships.

It's best to do these questions together so that you are on the same page and understand the context in which the answers are given. The first question in this section has to do with orgasm. You may have heard about the orgasm gap in which one gender consistently has more orgasms than another.

And with that said, when you're with your partner, is it okay that you have only one person orgasm during a sexual experience? Why or why not? It's imperative that our brain has a justification for why we would or would not allow something.

So make sure that you list that out as well. The next question has to do with the role sex has in your life or your lives. What role or roles do you want sex to have in your relationship? Is sex for stress relief? Is sex for bonding? Is sex for pleasure? Is sex for duty? Basically, what is or what are the reasons that you want to have sex in your life? What does it do for you? Now let's think about your disappointments when it comes to sex.

We've all had those. If you are ever disappointed during sex, after sex, when should you voice your feelings about it? Would it be directly after sex? Maybe the next day, perhaps? Thinking about when you'll have that conversation is crucial to you and your lover's improvement when it comes to your sexual life together.

If you keep your disappointment secret, one, it probably won't get better. And two, you'll avoid sex because you don't want to continuously be disappointed. And three, you will start to build resentment with your lover over time, which will draw you farther away from them.

Communication is detrimental in this case. On the other hand, when the sex is great and everything is going fantastically well, it's nice to relish in your lover's sexual energy. So what does your partner bring to your sexual relationship that you appreciate? What do you love about them when it comes to your sex life? List out all of those things.

Now keeping this around will help you to remind yourself what you love about your lover or your lovers. And when they annoy you or you get frustrated by them, this is the list that you can turn to to try to get that smile back on your face again. Believe me, you'll need it.

As we are thinking through your ideal sexual relationship and your sexual identity, what do you want your sexual future to look like? How do you imagine it should be in the future, in the near future, or maybe in the present right now? This conversation should be fruitful and working towards something together keeps you connected.

Lastly, are there any standards, expectations, maybe even some nuances that you want to have documented? Write them down now. Do you want to include some kink in your life? What more do you want for your sex life? Speak and write it into existence, and then you can work towards making it happen for yourself and your lover or your lovers.

Now that you have gained more awareness of yourself and others, it's time to put all of it into action. Join me in the final session as I help guide you through how to initiate sex and ultimately get what you want. Thanks for listening.