3. Intro to BDSM

Transcript

Fantasy and roleplay Now that you have a sense for what is included in the wide wide world of BDSM, the first assignment is to think about fantasy. Do you fantasize? Are there any thoughts that turn you on so much that you would come just thinking about them? For example, sex with another woman, sex with two men, group sex? Or perhaps you don't know what fantasy is and you don't fantasize at all.

My advice is to first do your homework. Don't worry, this kind of homework isn't boring or graded. But it will definitely pay off.

Before diving into BDSM, you will want to start thinking about what turns you on. This is a project for you and your partner, but start separately. Maybe you believe you already have a good sense of your turn-ons and turn-offs, still it makes sense to explore some new territory separately and together.

You can each listen to different fantasies and roleplays. Take note of the scenes that sound hot to you even if they involve people doing things you wouldn't want to try in real life. Make sure you have a list of things you like and don't like.

The second assignment is to think about reality. What do you like or think you might like in the real world? Which is your bedroom? Do you like the idea of actually being restrained? Do you like a lot of sensation or very little? Are you afraid that a spanking might hurt too much to be erotic, even if you like the fantasy of being bent over and exposed?

Do you like the thought of being in control or giving up control, or both? Separating out your desires, distinguishing between turn-ons in private fantasy and potential turn-ons in reality, will help you start thinking about what your mind wants and what your body wants sexually. Sometimes those things match up perfectly.

Most of the time, they don't. You might enjoy fantasizing or roleplaying about things you have seen rather than actually doing them. And that's okay, because fantasy is very powerful.

Sometimes it's more powerful to think about kinky activities and sexual plays than doing them in real life. If you don't want to do certain things, you can still do some dirty talk while you're playing with your partner. You can describe what would you like to have done to you, or what would you like to do to them.

You can whisper into each other's ears, telling some little naughty details that turn you on. Don't forget describing feelings, smells and taste that will just amplify your fantasy experience. This can be a great turn-on for the both of you without actually engaging in an outside-the-box sexual behavior.

Roleplaying Roleplaying is like acting, but without a polished script. Although some people come up with a version of the scenario they want to play out, many people wing it. Roleplayers improvise their dialogue and activities by drawing on movies, books, television, history and real-life scenarios.

They use the power differentials that exist in many everyday relationships to give an erotic charge to their BDSM or other sexual encounters. Laying the foundation Once you have an idea of what gets you excited, it's time for a discussion with your partner. For some people, starting a discussion feels natural and easy.

But what if you find it difficult to talk about sex? If guilt or shame affects your ability to communicate your desires? Many of us have grown up with feelings of shame and even disgust that surface when we think about sex, even if we enjoy sex.

We have also been exposed to negative beliefs about sex that affect us, even if we know they are not accurate. Leaving those negative feelings and beliefs behind is a decision, but it is also a process that is quicker for some people than others. How do you overcome negative emotions and communicate with your partner? Tossing away all the constraints placed on us by society and our upbringing won't happen overnight, and we shouldn't expect it to.

We can take baby steps. Go slow if you need to. Healthy sexual exploration comes from a place where we can try something new without judgment.

If we like it, wonderful, if not, we do not need to condemn ourselves or others. We can simply walk away and say, not for me, just like you would if you didn't like a new kind of cuisine or a movie. Many of us are not completely paralyzed by guilt and shame, but not exactly sure how to move forward into experimentation either.

Here are a few strategies to get you started if you fall into this category. You might want to first leave little notes for each other where you can share your fantasies. Face-to-face discussions are eventually the most useful, but if you're shy, you might enjoy thinking about your partner's fantasies more privately first.

Try having multiple short conversations, not one big ominous talk about BDSM. Pick a comfortable place to have those conversations. Conversing over a romantic dinner might seem natural to some people, but if you're easily embarrassed, you might also try broaching the topic during a car ride or while exercising together so that you're side-by-side rather than face-to-face.

Don't make the conversation feel too serious and overwhelming. This isn't a test that you need to pass. Have fun together talking about the possibilities that you have turned up in your research.

Take turns showing each other the photos and stories that you liked and talk about the details. Once you have found some areas of overlap in your fantasies, you can start talking more specifically about what it would be like to turn those fantasies into reality.