2. Why We Fake It

Transcript

When it comes to the main recommendations that I would offer for some of the most commonly occurring struggles, I would first like to talk about how we can start to improve a negative body image. If negative thoughts about your naked body get in the way of your sexual pleasure and reaching orgasm, then mindfulness can help. This can be helpful whether you struggle with a generally negative body image or a more specific one in relation to a certain body part, such as the genitalia.

Mindfulness means being in a present state of mind on a moment-by-moment basis. By being present, we are being in the moment and not thinking about the past or the future. That we only pay attention to what is happening right now in this moment.

Thoughts about the past can mean things that happened years, months, weeks, days, or even minutes ago. And similarly, thoughts about the future can be thoughts about seconds, minutes, weeks, months from now. And when we practice mindfulness, we try to pay less attention to those thoughts and focus more on being here and now, in this moment.

Meditation is one type of mindfulness practice. But there is also other things we can do to practice mindfulness. And it mainly involves connecting to our five senses while engaging in a certain activity, such as when breathing, reading, walking, cooking, eating, washing, showering, and so on.

If we practice mindfulness during sex, then we would put the focus of our attention on what we can feel, see, hear, scent, or taste. And if we engage with our senses in this way during sex, then we will be more connected to the moment and less caught up with negative thoughts that will get in the way of our pleasure. The concept is that we cannot fully focus on our senses and be occupied with negative thoughts about our body at the same time.

My second recommendation is in relation to perceived pressures around coming easily and quickly. If you have expectations of this nature and your reality doesn't match these expectations and you instead find that they obstruct your orgasm, then it is time to deepen your understanding about the female orgasm. While the male orgasm in general is reached in about 6 to 10 minutes, the female one in average takes anything from 10 to 40 minutes.

So there is a whole lot of pleasure that has to take place before you reach climax. The orgasm doesn't come out of nowhere, but if you expect that it should pop out quickly, then these expectations may diminish your pleasure. And feeling pleasure is a key to the orgasm.

Our expectations can obstruct the orgasm because we cannot force the body to react a certain way just because we want it to, similar to other physiological responses such as crying, shaking or sweating for example. Your pleasure is enhanced not by focusing on the goal, but on enjoying the process of reaching the goal. This is where the mindfulness can help.

But I would also encourage you to expand your knowledge about the female orgasm. There is a plethora of information on this available that you can read in books, listen to on podcasts or watch on educational videos, which I would highly recommend. If you then think that you don't have the time it takes to understand how you can reach orgasm and putting this into practice, then I would like to invite you to ask yourself How much time do you really dedicate to your own pleasures?

Do you think and feel that you place adequate time on this? If your answer is yes, then I would like you to reflect on why sexual pleasure is not considered a pleasure of yours. If your answers are no, then I would like to encourage you to think further about why this may be.

Maybe there is something here about not feeling worthy of your partner's or your own genuine time and attention. Maybe there are some behaviors that need to be introduced here that prioritize and place more genuine time and energy on your deeper needs and feelings. The third and the final recommendation that I would like to share is in relation to communication.

On developing a deeper understanding of how the female orgasm works, by understanding that it is a pleasurable process that naturally can take a bit of time, you may have gotten a deepened understanding of your satisfaction and it is now time for you to open up to your partner about this. It is important to guide your partner to what you would like so that you can spark a deeper sexual connection and one that could last in the longer term. An example of how to do this would be to gently place your hand over your partner's and guide them to the area of your body that you would like touched.

You can even guide them further by keeping your hand placed on theirs and directing it in the preferred movement. Offering positive verbal feedback is also particularly important. Praising your partner when they touch you or move in a way that you enjoy is an excellent way to guide them through the pleasurable process of reaching the female orgasm.

Bearing in mind that men get arousal through visual means, it is likely that they will get very excited alongside you in this process of moving towards a more authentic, intimate experience.