2. Alternative Relationship Styles

Transcript

The Positive Aspects of Our Monogamous Conditioning In Module 1, I spoke about the monogamous conditioning that pretty much every person on the planet experiences as they grow up. But I also want to speak to the well-intentioned, aspirational aspects of that monogamous programming that shouldn't be ignored. These are the emotional goals that society believes monogamy is solving.

So this isn't a comprehensive list by far, but some of the top positive values are Trust Honesty A deep knowing and connection with another person Building security together Planning for old age Emotional transparency and intimacy And the commitment to valuing and cherishing a partner even as life changes around you. These are all beautiful personal qualities and essential relationship skills. But here's the simple secret.

You don't have to be in a monogamous relationship to build these values. You don't even have to be in a romantic or sexual relationship to build these. And when you choose the path of non-monogamy, you have the opportunity to build them in all of your relationships.

The Negative Aspects of Our Monogamous Conditioning On the flip side of these positive monogamous values and relationship skills, there are a myriad of damaging core beliefs and assumptions that our monogamous conditioning perpetuates. Why am I bothering to talk about this? Because most of us don't even recognize the conditioning that helped shape our own underlying beliefs, which influences all of the choices we make in our lives.

I'm also sharing this with you because it's my experience that when someone knows ahead of time the kinds of obstacles they're going to face on a journey, then those obstacles are easier to overcome because they won't add to the struggle by being blindsided by them. Okay, first we're going to tackle the biggest and most romantic of these. The One True Love Fairy Tale How much of our childhoods are filled with one true love fairy tales? Stories of people falling in love with princes or princesses, or of film characters finding each other against all odds?

Or the millions of tales that feature tragic love triangles, where there is no other possible solution except that one person loses because we're told that there is only one person on the planet that is meant to complete us? When was the last time you watched a TV show or movie that didn't have two characters struggling because they both loved the same person, or that didn't have a person in the middle feeling stuck because they're forced to pick one love over the other? Notice the stories essentially end when the characters finally say, I love you.

What happens after that? And how does that compare to reality? Do you see where the fairy tale part comes in? Do you see how the societal expectation of having a one true love is not only unachievable, but harmful as a person tries to understand how to be content in their own lives, or to feel complete or whole from the inside out?

How many people do you know remain in relationships for longer than they should because they're trying to meet this fairy tale ideal? We're also taught that if we're attracted to anyone but our one true love, partner, then we're also taught that if we're attracted to anyone but our one true love, partner, then they must not actually be the one. Like somehow our attraction and our hearts turn off when we're in love.

Not to mention that without being given any other guidance for relationships, we're programmed with the subconscious message that when a relationship fails, we ourselves are a failure. Do you sense the paradox? You are already complete exactly as you are right now.

And you most definitely have a one true love. That person is yourself. Everything else is gravy.

Entwinement. Another piece of monogamous conditioning is called entwinement. If you've ever observed a couple and realized that you can't tell where one person ends and the other begins, this is an example of entwinement.

They seem to think alike, talk alike, sometimes they even dress alike. They often neglect their friends and are rarely seen apart from each other. If one partner likes something, then the other partner thinks they have to like it too.

The conditioning is, if you don't want to do everything together, then maybe you're not really in love. Maybe you've had relationships like this yourself. I have.

And the crazy part is that it even feels good when you're doing it. There's this sense that less boundaries means the connection is more sincere or more loving. What this really highlights is unhealthy attachment and codependence.

When a person loses their identity or sense of self in the relationship, it's usually because they have allowed themselves to become entwined with their partner. I believe one of the most important practices a person can learn in their adult life is how to be interdependent, how to honor their full and complete individuality while also being in relationship. Wholeness is a practice.

Sex is everything. Another piece of cultural conditioning is the notion that sex is at the forefront of every relationship. We're a culture obsessed with sex.

While simultaneously shaming ourselves for wanting it or liking it, this contradiction creates a false belief that the sexual act is a relevant marker for measuring closeness or the success of an intimate relationship. Sex is just one of a countless number of ways to spend time or connect with someone. It's a choice to hold this activity in any higher regard than another activity like cooking together, playing a board game, cuddling, or taking a walk.

It only seems to have more value because we've been conditioned to believe that it does. While a lagging bedroom life can be a symptom of some sort of emotional distance in a relationship or a symptom that one partner is struggling, overemphasizing the need for voracious and regular sex play in intimate relationships not only overlooks the very real and lived realities of people on the asexual spectrum, but perpetuates the false belief that sex is the primary measure of relationship health. The Relationship Escalator The term Relationship Escalator was coined by Amy Guerin in 2012.

If anyone has ever asked you where a relationship is going or has said something like, when's the ring coming, you've experienced the compulsory societal pressures of the Relationship Escalator. Again, rooted in this monogamous ideal, the Relationship Escalator is the assumption that a real relationship follows one progressive path. You meet, fall in love, get married, live together and share finances, have children, and so on up the escalator.

The ground is even moving for you as you climb. We're also taught that if someone doesn't want to escalate the relationship, then they must not truly be in love with us. Can you see how this circles back to the one true love fairy tale, and how it conflicts with each person's sovereignty in co-creating their intimate relationships on their own terms?

To be clear, you can have rich, lifelong, and meaningful relationships that look exactly like the Relationship Escalator. And you can have rich, lifelong, and meaningful relationships that look nothing like the Relationship Escalator. It's the societal pressure to conform and the expectation that everyone should want to be on the escalator that's the problem.

Emotional Labor and Relationship Assumptions When you're feeling down or need emotional support, who's the first person you reach out to? If you're coupled, I'll bet it's your romantic partner. The underlying conditioning sounds like this.

If my partner loves me, then they'll be here for me whenever I need them, regardless of what might be going on in their own lives at that moment. If they don't drop everything to cater to my needs, then they don't actually care. To take that a step further, people often expect their partners to be mind readers, or believe that their partners should know them well enough that they don't have to ask for what they need.

You are the only person who is responsible for looking after your needs, and your partners are only one of the many resources you want to have available for yourself when you're seeking support. The flip side of this is feeling like you have to make yourself available at all times for support, even when you aren't in the right headspace or don't have the energy. This is an unreasonable expectation in any relationship, intimate or otherwise.

The idea of putting a partner's happiness and well-being over our own is a mainstay of traditional romantic monogamy. It tends to be reinforced during the earliest stages of courtship as we obsess about our new person and essentially engage in addictive behavior. It's an idealized approach meant to prove how much we love our partner in the hopes of creating trust and security, and is an amazing way to build codependent, even toxic relationships because it creates a precedent whereby we give our partners too much control over our choices across the board, not just romantically.

This can also affect our self-image over time, as we habitually make someone else's comfort more important than our own needs. Learning what healthy boundaries are is vital to combating this. Personal value tied to outside of the self.

Relationship expectations can go the opposite way, too. Sometimes we're in relationships where we think that asking for anything more than what is already being offered is selfish or unreasonable. Or we think we need to ask permission to spend time away from our partner or with other people.

There are even some people who believe that if they don't exhibit a certain amount of jealousy then their partner will think they don't love them enough. And even this can hit an extreme. If someone feels like they're nothing without their partner, or they feel unworthy of any other love besides the love coming from that one intimate partner, you are the only person who gets to decide what you will do with your time, your body, and your heart.

Your personal value needs to come from within. And lastly, we'll be talking about the notion of forever. The last piece of monogamous conditioning I want to introduce you to is the notion of permanence.

Permanence is the idea that whatever is true at the start of a relationship should always be true, and that any shifts in the relationship must be seen as catastrophic. This becomes even more emotionally complex if you have any past traumas yourself. Change absolutely can be scary, but shifts do not have to equate to bad.

In fact, it's just as likely that change will bring you more joy and perfection than you had before. You will make your life far more enjoyable if you learn to embrace change with a sense of curiosity and adventure rather than fear. In Module 3, we'll explore the spectrum of alternative relationship styles from monogamish to relationship anarchy.