1. Why We Fake It

Transcript

One of the most commonly reported struggles women face during sex has to do with their body image. Our body image is our internal perception of our physical body. A negative body image means that we have a critical or judgmental perception of how our physical body looks.

This only becomes worse with stronger thoughts or outside influences of how we are not measuring up to the societal standard. Our expectations of how we think we should physically look is heavily influenced by surrounding society and culture. Advertisements, film, magazines and male-dominated industries narrowly project an image of how the female body should be represented.

An ideal of the female body is portrayed in media that only a few can identify with. For the rest of us, this stigma can shape a negative body image that creates insecurities about our physical appearance. Once we have a negative body image, it will be very difficult to switch our thought direction into creating a healthy, sensual and sexual connection to our body.

The higher self-esteem we can create for ourselves, the more at ease we will feel while intimate or naked in the presence of another person. It is easy to fall into a negative and self-critical headspace that tells us we look inadequate naked, which prevents us from relaxing in a way that is needed in order to reach orgasm. But with working on our self-image and development, we can achieve anything.

More specific than a generally negative body image, many women struggle to feel comfortable during sex due to insecurities about how their genitals look. For example, women can become self-conscious thinking that their vulva is ugly or worried that it tastes or smells bad. This could be influenced by the wide range of feminine hygiene care products such as soaps, wipes and deodorants designed to freshen up female's genitals.

Also, as porn becomes more and more easily accessible online, women can feel the pressure to think, this is how I should look. It is no wonder women feel shame about their bodies when they are naked. Instead of women appreciating that their genitalia is a beautiful and arousing part of their body, just as unique as their fingerprint, they may grow preoccupied with concerns of what their partner thinks of their naked genitalia.

And yet another reason may block their enjoyment and ability to fully relax during sex, which can lead to faking an orgasm. Another widely occurring obstacle to the female orgasm is the expectations around reaching orgasm easily and quickly. On average, female orgasms are reached within 10 to 40 minutes.

However, many women expect that they should climax within just a couple of minutes and then can lose hope if they don't. It could be said that many women do this because they don't consider themselves worthy to take the time needed to reach their climax. They may feel pressure to come within a certain amount of time and that they don't deserve time and attention during sex.

Some women may even feel that they are rushed as they become distracted with their to-do list, work or other obligations. This then creates the excuse that they don't have the time for genuine sexual intimacy. They then feel that they just want to get it over and done with, so they achieve this by faking it.

Oftentimes, women prioritize their partner rather than asserting themselves. This is particularly common in a sexual context. They forfeit expressing their own specific needs, wants or desires.

Historically, this is believed to stem from the fact that women used to be second-class citizens where little value was placed on them legally and by society, while not having equal rights as men, or even livestock for that matter. While our society has evolved tremendously in the movement towards equality, there is a long-standing history which still holds influences to our society. It is often observed that women are less assertive than males as a consequence of inequality.

If we come back to how this might be noticed in a sexual context, where women may shy away from admitting that it takes a bit longer for them to reach orgasm as they may want to appease their partner. We, as humans, are very exposed and vulnerable during sex. This is why many women avoid having these conversations around this topic.

They can feel uncomfortable or they may think it is inappropriate, insensitive or even a critique of their partner and their technique. The assumption here would be that they'd make their partner feel insecure about their sexual performance and hurt their ego instead of standing up for what they might want, desire and their own pleasure. So, many women may seek to preserve the partner's ego instead by faking it.

A selfless act of love. Naturally, these are not the only obstacles and blockages that women experience during sex. I have merely shared a few commonly occurring examples as seen in research, literature and by practitioners such as myself who have come across these issues with their female clients in therapy.

When it comes to overcoming the struggles that I have mentioned, there are some main recommendations that I can offer. But before going into these, I would like you to start by taking a moment of stillness and ask yourself what your specific difficulty or block is. If asking yourself this brings up shame for you, I would encourage you to try to stay with the question and try to allow yourself to think about this without critique or judgment.

Try to let go of your inhibitions by curiously thinking about what gets in the way of your pleasure during sex. There's no right, wrong, good or bad answer. What's important here is to try to place less weight on judging, criticizing or shame-related thoughts and instead try to place your attention on your sexual satisfaction.

If it helps, then imagine that nobody will ever need to find out what your answer is. If you identify more than one obstacle, then try to specify which the greatest or hardest one is and start by addressing that one.